Cocoa Lounge
[Login ]
0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this page
Go To Bottom
Printable Version | Subscribe | Add to Favorites  
 Pages:  1  ..  6  7  8
Author: Subject: life and times of essence
esssence
Cocoa Lounge Addict
*****


Avatar


Posts: 1674

Registered: 9.27.2004

Location: NEW YORK

Member Is Offline


Mood: Content

[*] posted on 9.25.2006 at 02:09 PM


I havenít posted since the 14th damn. Letís see what has been going on in my life. That weekend I went to a party with my best friend. It was cool besides the dudes hounding me not being able to take no for an answer. I told everybody that tried to talk to me that I was there with my man which really was just one of my friends that was standing next to us. I know I did something the Friday but I cant remember right now.

My grandfather passed away on Tuesday night. The initial pain hit hard but I think I have been doing really well given the circumstances. Its like you donít realize how much your going to miss someone until they are really gone. I barely saw my grandpa but im going to miss hearing ďHello QueenĒ as his greeting every time I did go see him. I am going to miss his upbeat attitude, even when the cancer was kicking his ass. I just fear that my grandma and my dad are going to break down and that would break my heart.

PAPA GEORGEY R.I.P 8/24/28 Ė 9/19/06 Ė Gone but not forgotten, I will carry you in my heart always and forever. Sad to see you go without seeing the next generation of the family but I know you are in a better place looking down and protecting us. I LOVE YOU!!

Unto the less depressing things, My best friends baby shower was on Saturday. It turned out really well. She got a gagillion presents. Im really happy for her and I cant wait for my little princess to arrive. There was mad drama but I would have to come back to do a recap.

Moving on I saw my baby last nite. I had a funky attitude yesterday but him being there made it much better. Gave me temporary relief. I got to spend the latter part of the night with him and woke up next to him this morning which is always comforting.

Today is my sisters 26th birthday. She is a old ass woman. LOL. Nah she just need to settle down now and give me some grand babies. LOL.

Im leaving for Jamaica in three days. I have to go home and pack because I am not going to have any other time to do it. My grandfathers wake is tomorrow night and then his funerlal is in Jamaica on saturday so I get to be in Jamaica for 4 nights which is great but bad given the circumstances that I have to go. Then when I come back next week im leaving for Miami on Thursday which gives me a little extra vacation. Im looking forward to these 2 weeks because when I come back im gonna be on my grind between work, school and trying to move.

I dont feel like typing anymore so until next time ...tata




http://a248.e.akamai.net/f/248/5462/2h/www.artisanartsonline.com/images/b316vdxt.jpg

"EVERY MAN IS THREE MEN. WHO PEOPLE THINK HE IS, WHO HE THINKS HE IS AND WHO HE REALLY IS"
-- FONTAINE
View user's profile View All Posts By User U2U Member
esssence
Cocoa Lounge Addict
*****


Avatar


Posts: 1674

Registered: 9.27.2004

Location: NEW YORK

Member Is Offline


Mood: Content

[*] posted on 10.4.2006 at 11:20 AM


Since my last post, I went to my grandfatherís wake the Tuesday night. He looked so peaceful lying there. I did really well I only broke down when my sister and my brother broke down. Im surprised because normally im the emotional one. The Thursday I flew down to Jamaica. It was nice to be around my family but still sad about why everybody came together in the first place. The Friday we had Nine Night for my grandfather and it was really nice. Saturday was the funeral. It didnít feel like a funeral though we were celebrating his life. There is nothing comparable to church in Jamaica. He had a large turnout. Even an aunt that I didnít know about showed up at the funeral. Goes to show my grandfather did his dirt but was still severely loyal to his family. I know he was looking down and smiling. I was doing real well at the funeral also until my aunts started having their moments. At the burial site my dad lost it. He finally let go and anybody that knows me knows that my daddy is my rock, he is my shining star there is no love comparable to the love I have for my dad. So seeing him in a vulnerable state kind of sent me overboard and I think thatís when I really broke down. Funny thing is through all of this I have not seen my grandmother break down once. She has been rejoicing and celebrating his life. I never seen a woman strong like that little midget lady. I donít know where my family would be without her. She is the backbone of our family without a doubt. Sunday night we sat around the yard reminiscing, thatís always a nice experience. That pretty much summed up my trip to Jamaica I didnít do anything fun or exciting. I came back Monday after one long drawn out something with customs. Returned to work yesterday and today and tomorrow Im leaving for Miami. I hope I enjoy myself. I need this break.

I miss my baby. He left for Florida last night so I didnít get to see him since I been back, hopefully I will see him when I get down there. Im still loving him and he is trying and for that I am happy. I am slowly but surely becoming more secure with our ship of relations because he doesnít give me any reason to doubt him. But u know me im still skeptical. If he understands me he will understand why and wont hold it against me but instead just try to reassure me. I know he understands because he is the same way. Other than that life is at it should be.

Until next timeÖ..Tata




http://a248.e.akamai.net/f/248/5462/2h/www.artisanartsonline.com/images/b316vdxt.jpg

"EVERY MAN IS THREE MEN. WHO PEOPLE THINK HE IS, WHO HE THINKS HE IS AND WHO HE REALLY IS"
-- FONTAINE
View user's profile View All Posts By User U2U Member
esssence
Cocoa Lounge Addict
*****


Avatar


Posts: 1674

Registered: 9.27.2004

Location: NEW YORK

Member Is Offline


Mood: Content

[*] posted on 10.11.2006 at 03:06 PM


AWWW Man. Where do I begin? Just came back from Miami yesterday. I went down for Miami Carnival. What an experience it was. Met some real cool people down there. It was really five females I was pretty much rolling with the whole trip and between the six of us we had Miami on lock. I had an attitude when I first got down there but I just swept it under the rug because I told myself that im going to have the time of my life that weekend and with that said I did. Thursday was kind of dry but Friday nite we went out and that was the most fun I have had in a club in a while. I havenít partied that hard in ages. Im not gonna recap the whole weekend because what happens in Miami stays in Miami (LOL) but it was a f*cking blast.

Didnít spend time with my baby fadda the whole time I was down there. He was kind of pissing me off too because even when he wasnít doing [Censored] he didnít have time for me so I just let him be. If u asked me whether he was behaving himself or not ÖÖI would say NOPE!!!! But I cant knock him its not OK but like I said before at this point its whatever. I got the memo a while ago !!!! I honestly cannot call it when it comes to this dude and thatís part of why I stick around and part of why I know that I should leave. Its like he has split personalities sometimes and its not cute. This love [Censored] is for losers. Itís so funny because all I want him to do is understand certain [Censored]. I make it a point not to ask him forANYTHING even when I am entitled to it I donít ask for it and all I want is for him to show that he cares and appreciates certain [Censored]. Case in point, the night my grandfather died I was on the phone with him. By the time I got the news and clicked back over I was already hysterical. And the first thing he said was im coming over. In my state of grief if only he knew that with that simple gesture it meant so much to me. But then he never showed up. ???? Did I miss something? So its like I know he cares but sometimes he just fails to follow thru and it irks the [Censored] out of me. Case in point again last night I was having a bad nite. He hit me up, I told him I was in a bad mood, he Ďs like im on my way home gimme a few im gonna call you so we can talk. He never called. I donít care you can gimme every excuse in the book because if you were on your way home and your cell phone caught on fire (hypothetically) I know your house phone works if you were really that concerned you would have found a way to get thru to me. This is why its so hard for me to gauge if he is truly genuine when he says things sometimes because he sends like a million signals mixed into one and I honestly donít have the energy to decipher it. Its like when I see it written out it doesnít make sense the way it makes sense in my head. Im having a really hard time analyzing the situation and putting it into words which is exactly why I donít say anything to him because I donít want to feel like im nagging or constantly complaining because that is not the case at all. Majority of the time he makes me so happy and other times he is a complete [Censored] and oblivious to the fact that he is being an [Censored] and it completely pisses me off.

Moving ON, I got to chill wit dudes I havenít chilled with in what seems like forever so that was fun catching up and just hanging out and having a good time. If god spares my life I will be back next year.

Back in NY stressed the [Censored] out. First I come home to my house in shambles because my landlord decided he was going to do work while I was away. Painted the house and did not cover anything. My damn furniture has paint splotches everywhere, my hard wood floors, my f*cking carpet. If that wasnít bad enough they took off all the covers off of the lights and the outlets and never replaced them. Im like dude you do realize that we live here this isnít an open f*cking construction site. I was too thru. Then my friends are acting funny style. Its like you really donít know who to trust these days because everybody has a hidden agenda. Wit friends like those who the hell need enemies. Im just taking everything in stride and trying my best to let it pass but honest to god, yesterday was the most stressful day I had this year. I was doing good living out my no stress in 2006, going 10 months strong and then its like everything just happens at once. But they say god never gives you more than you can handle so heís just telling me im one strong lady when he burdens me with so much.

The day before I left my exís sister hit me up to let me know he broke up with his girl and she couldnít be more happy because she is hoping that there is still a chance of us being together. Not trying to burst her bubble but I donít see that happening at the moment. I mean yep I love him to death but we on our own [Censored] rite now. Of the men I have dealt with since we broke up none of them know and understand me the way he does and its not because he is a rare species its partly my fault but also partly theirs because the reason why he knows so much is because he actually cared to ask and actually listened when I spoke. Im not one to put my business out there but if you ask the right questions and I feel youíre worth my time I just may let you into my little world. I know he is always going to be there for me and vice versa but everything happens for a reason and that is why we are no longer together. She told me he told his girl came to her asking about me and she asked her why she was so concerned about me and she told his sister that he told here that he still loves me and that was never going to change. She wasnít too happy about that (LOL) No wonder every time she saw me she got a screw face. I get a kick out of that [Censored]. Cause of all his gfís no matter how hard they try I canít be replaced. We may not be together but we are friends to the end no matter how much we fight and go on I hate you binges we always bounce back. If they canít understand that then they need to hold they corners cause I always come out on top. What can I say he spoils me.

Thatís all for right now..Until next timeÖÖ..tata




http://a248.e.akamai.net/f/248/5462/2h/www.artisanartsonline.com/images/b316vdxt.jpg

"EVERY MAN IS THREE MEN. WHO PEOPLE THINK HE IS, WHO HE THINKS HE IS AND WHO HE REALLY IS"
-- FONTAINE
View user's profile View All Posts By User U2U Member
esssence
Cocoa Lounge Addict
*****


Avatar


Posts: 1674

Registered: 9.27.2004

Location: NEW YORK

Member Is Offline


Mood: Content

[*] posted on 10.30.2006 at 04:35 PM


Im really slacking on the blogging, itís been damn near 3 weeks. Letís see what has been going on in my life since I came back from MIA. I finally saw my BF the Wednesday after I got back. I had to play catch up for a while in school because I missed two weeks of classes. I did manage to go out that Friday night to this dude I know bday party. It was cool. Hood drama as usual these days in BK but other than that it was our mini Miami reunion.

This is big: AT 2:45 ON OCTOBER 15, 2006 MY BEST FRIEND GAVE BIRTH TO MY LITTLE PRINCESS JAYLA ROSE 7 POUNDS 8.2 OUNCES. I spent the majority of that day in the hospital and you know I donít have any patience but it was all worth it to see her.

That Sunday I helped my dad move back top BK he left his wife as I so sadly predicted would happen a couple of months ago when they got married. I finally have my second home back in BK so thatís definitely a plus.

Ummm that third week in October was pretty uneventful my baby fadda was in Florida once again. And it was straight work and schoolwork for me. Because I sure did have a lot of schoolwork.

Fast forward to last week. I had a presentation to do for my English class, which I got an A in so maybe I wont fail this semester after all. I dunno about my Psych and online class though. Friday I didnít go to work because I had something to do for school but I got to spend the majority of the day with my bf and he was a total sweetheart for the day. He helped me cook breakfast (his version of cookingÖLOL), helped me iron my clothes to and lotioned my back when I got out of the shower with out me asking. He pretty much made my day. Gave me a break from the everyday bullshit in my life, which I so greatly appreciate. Its funny how the most miniscule sh!t will make me happy.

Friday night I helped my dad move the rest of his stuff and by the time I got home I was exhausted.

Saturday night I went out to dinner with the girls and we had hella fun. I laughed for the majority of the night. I didnít think it was possible for me to actually hang out with females @ this point in my life and not want to chop off their heads but they are mad cool.

Last night I went out to dinner with my two best friends. We took my little princess out on her first dinner date so Ang could document it in her baby book. She is gaining weight and finally getting some color but still freaking adorable as ever.

Umm other than that my life is as it should be. One of my friends is on some next [Censored] but I donít got the patience to deal with shorty right now. Always gonna be there for her and as far as im concerned we shall forever remain friends but I have definitely outgrown the bullshit games she is playing. If itís a cry for attention so be it but if she really needed to talk all she had to do was come and holla at me. I thought that our friendship was on that level but apparently I was mistaken. When she is ready to talk she will call until then I donít want to be bothered. Shorty is lying to me for no reason. I never gave her a reason to not be 100 percent real wit me. Lying to me about dumb [Censored] at that and if our friendship meant anything to her she would correct this problem real quick cause she knows if anything I HATE LIARS!!!!

I had some other [Censored] on my mind pertaining to BF but I donít have the time or the pressure level to write about it right now. So until next timeÖ.tata.




http://a248.e.akamai.net/f/248/5462/2h/www.artisanartsonline.com/images/b316vdxt.jpg

"EVERY MAN IS THREE MEN. WHO PEOPLE THINK HE IS, WHO HE THINKS HE IS AND WHO HE REALLY IS"
-- FONTAINE
View user's profile View All Posts By User U2U Member
esssence
Cocoa Lounge Addict
*****


Avatar


Posts: 1674

Registered: 9.27.2004

Location: NEW YORK

Member Is Offline


Mood: Content

[*] posted on 11.7.2006 at 04:39 PM


I havenít given up on cocoalounge its just that myspace has this private feature where no one can read my thoughts but me and seen as how somethings are left to be just that (my thoughts) I switch up between there and the lounge. I will be back soon to give an update.



http://a248.e.akamai.net/f/248/5462/2h/www.artisanartsonline.com/images/b316vdxt.jpg

"EVERY MAN IS THREE MEN. WHO PEOPLE THINK HE IS, WHO HE THINKS HE IS AND WHO HE REALLY IS"
-- FONTAINE
View user's profile View All Posts By User U2U Member
esssence
Cocoa Lounge Addict
*****


Avatar


Posts: 1674

Registered: 9.27.2004

Location: NEW YORK

Member Is Offline


Mood: Content

[*] posted on 11.10.2006 at 02:04 PM


Last night I came to the sad realization that I have come to so many times before and just haven't done anything about. Mainly because im scared, im scared of losing him I cant lie. He has grown to be one of the important things in my life over the last couple of months. I know I love him but I don't know if he loves me for the right reasons or if he is in love with the thought of me loving him or if I put way too much into loving him for it not to be reciprocated. Join my state of confusion for a minute as I walk through my very rocky journey that I have been going through for the last 7 months out of the 19 months I have been dealing with him. I know I love him. I love him deeply and for the right reasons cause the good come with the bad right? But like I have said before I am scared of loving him more than I do and even worse im scared of losing him.



Even though I have ABSOLUTELY NO REGRETS I honestly think if I would have just walked away in January when he suddenly popped back up I would have been better of. We both would have been. I could have left him to do what he does and I would have been more focused on myself and the [Censored] I needed to get together before I could find what I was looking for. Honestly coming back into this I had no expectations because I was so used to being disappointed by him because he was famous at this point for running in and out of my life. He told me at one point he went back to his ex and at a next he was dealing with some next chic while the whole time he was telling me that he was just "REAL BUSY" and that was why he couldn't find time to spend with me. If knowing that for all those months he was lying to me (telling me he missed me and he cared about me when he really didn't) wasn't my cue to run in the other direction then I don't know what should have been but I like the very loyal and sometimes naÔve chic that I pose as I stuck around. I didn't have any schemes to make him my man or any brilliant plans to change him into somebody I wanted him to be because despite the bad he has a lot of good qualities. I will get back to that in a minute. I just wanted him to acknowledge that he had a good thing, in me. I think I was constantly putting myself out there and sacrificing and fighting to win him over and in the end what can I say I really accomplished? What was I really fighting for? It's real [Censored] up because I have NEVER invested so much into making someone else happy. * Side note- to discuss Q for a minute I understand that he was way ahead of his times in HS because that boy did everything to keep me happy emotionally and physically and I took it for granted because like I didn't have anything to compare him to. He was my first serious relationship so I took the fact that he was giving me the world for granted because I didn't know any betta. Damn is this really Karma???



Back to the man at hand, some days I couldn't be happier and then others its like why am I here. Why am I doing this? He is blatantly honest about having trust issues with females and not wanting a relationship and I cant lie because in the beginning I didn't want one either. My whole perspective on him coming into this was that he is young and he don't know what he want and there is a million females out here and until a man has experienced the different aspects of females he is not capable of understanding the meaning of finding the chic that is going to be all about him because how can you realize when you have a good thing when you have nothing to compare it to? Back to the point, in the beginning I said to myself im just gonna have fun with this fine chocolate man and what ever happens, happens. Never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined that it would get this deep and I don't have any regrets just kind of surprised that he let me get so close. I know there is a million and one things about him I don't know and may never know but for a brief moment I felt like he let me into his shell and allowed me to experience him without all the barricades and bullet proof vests and armor that he has up around him all the time and it felt GREAT!!!!!



To get to the matter at hand, Last night I asked him "What I was to him?" His exact remarks were and I quote " I wouldn't say you're my girl but you're not my friend either, it don't have a name you my baby girl, I love you a lot but I don't know what I should call it." Now excuse me as I piece this together for myself and if he was reading this he would say that you can contribute this to females being too emotional but I don't care. Im spoiled there is no if and or buts about it and I want what I want dammit. I wasn't mad because honestly I didn't have any expectations for his answer. It just kind of put everything into perspective for me. The opening sentence "your not my girl" could have been left out because its common knowledge and im reminded of it everyday " but your not my friend either" as far as I am concerned we are friends there may be more to it than that but that's the basis of our relationship. " Your my baby girl" let me explain why this bothers me so much not that being his baby girl is a bad thing maybe under different circumstances I would have been ecstatic about this but a couple weeks ago we were having a discussion about this chic and while im on her I might as well give you the background on her. I guess they went to school together they used to deal with each other I guess it didn't end on bad terms because they got back in contact with each other after the fact. Case in point shorty is still feeling him and no matter what he says he has the opportunity but given the absolute right opportunity he would still [Censored] with her. So this bothers me and I HATE the fact that it does bother me but that comes into play with the whole jealousy thing which I absolutely HATE also (my theory jealousy stems from insecurity which are two traits that I have never really experienced to this extent until I started dealing with him mainly because I had no reason to. With him knowing that there is no real basis to our relationship I have every right to be insecure because he can leave whenever he pleases taking a piece of me which I try so hard to hold on to with him. Isn't it funny how one thing leads into something completely different? Damn back to the point). So he was explaining to me his relationship with her and he was like I wasn't in love with her or anything but that was my baby girl. Rule # 364 in the female handbook (LOL) - No female wants to be able to be comparable to some next chic especially some next chic that you really had no special ties to. Comparing a chic to some profound chic in your life is one thing but to some next average Jane is a NO NO! And I know this is absolutely petty because he didn't exactly compare us but I guess that's just me being "emotional". Sometimes I wish that I didn't have such a great memory when it comes to such dumb [Censored]. Ask me to remember my schoolwork and I cant but ask me what he said to me 10 months ago and I can run it off to youlike nothing. [Censored] sucks doesn't it! "I love you a lot" made me all warm inside. " but I don't know what I should call it" Call it as it is, what you see is what you get.



Now that I have made him seem like a completely horrible person I will say that he has qualities that I LOVE. He is the sweetest person in the world when he wants to be he is real protective. " Call me when you get here so I know you OK" " I know you was sick so I was gonna come spend time with you" little stuff like that means so much to me without him even knowing it. He is that dude that checks me when im wrong instead of being passive like most dudes I have dealt with that let me get away with murder just to have me in their life. Though before today I would have never admitted to it because I have this ongoing battle with myself about my take on submissiveness but I need that sense of dominance in my life. He is caring. He makes sure im OK during the day, when I go out, during sex. He is affectionate but only behind closed doors cause you know he got a bad man image to uphold and he got an availability status to keep up and he has to be aware of his surroundings no telling when one of his womenzzzz mite pop upÖLOL. But when he touches me nothing else in the world matters at that moment and when he's holding me there is no place I would rather be. Man the list could go on and on about the qualities I absolutely love about him but who wants to talk about that? Going back to the good stuff.



I wrote this more so for myself but its easier to write when you feel like your writing for an audience and because it easier to analyze your life when its on paper. Getting back to the point.



In the end my real issue is this, this is the bottom line, the grand finale. Since I have allowed myself to fall so hard and so deep where do I go now? Where do we go now? [Censored] is great now. I LOVE HIM I can say it openly and honestly and not feel a way about it but that seems to be the problem. THE PROBLEM IS I LOVE HIM. Im not his girl and im not pressuring that situation either because titles are a big deal until you have it and then you don't really want it anymore. Yeah it would be great to be exclusive but then all moral values that were OK when I wasn't his girl is no longer OK because I am his girl and that's when all the problems come into play unless both parties are willing to compromise and compromise doesn't seem to be in his vocabulary and that's where we have had and are gonna have problems and then that's where the handoff of the title comes back into play. So the sub category under the real problem is I cant handle him being with someone else. I mean I have no choice but to accept it and switch over into that really just friends category because I have told him too many times I cant see myself knowingly taking back burner to some next chic I can deal with a lot but that's not one of the things Im willing to put up with. Then the other sub category is where do we draw the line? Well I should have been drawn a long time ago but now that we have bypassed that boundary what now? Where is the DEAD END for us? If things just diminish gradually then its one thing but I been saying this for a minute but I feel like this is going to go on until one of us finds something better or just cant take it anymore and is that really fair to either one of us? And the conclusion is that im so scared that its gonna be me with the broken heart, Im scared that he's gonna break MY HEART and that's something I have experienced ONCE in my 22 years of life and even though it is a part of life I vowed if it was avoidable I would never like to experience it again. So im scared that in the end when he does find what he is looking for because as you can see through this four page ramble I am so loyal to this dude and unless Prince charming comes along and drops into my lap while he is not around then im not gonna notice this Prince charming because im so focused on him that I cant see past him right now and not looking for anyone else. And the conclusion to the conclusionÖLOL why this REALLY bothers me is that for me being scared is a sign of weakness and if there is one category that I would never want to fall into because I absolutely despise it, it is being WEAK. So there you have it. Now that I have officially got it all of my chest I feel better. It may seem crazy when you're on the outside looking in but certain [Censored] is out of my control like these dumb ass shyts called feelings. WHOOOOO!!! Im done.




http://a248.e.akamai.net/f/248/5462/2h/www.artisanartsonline.com/images/b316vdxt.jpg

"EVERY MAN IS THREE MEN. WHO PEOPLE THINK HE IS, WHO HE THINKS HE IS AND WHO HE REALLY IS"
-- FONTAINE
View user's profile View All Posts By User U2U Member
esssence
Cocoa Lounge Addict
*****


Avatar


Posts: 1674

Registered: 9.27.2004

Location: NEW YORK

Member Is Offline


Mood: Content

[*] posted on 11.17.2006 at 04:43 PM


Hasnít been that long. Not much going on in my life. School as usual is kicking my ass but it will all be worth it as I am walking away with that paper in my hand.

I think I mentioned them before the 2 girls that I met in Miami well we all been chilling since we came back and as far as I know they are mad cool. We all click which is surprising especially for me who does not make friends very easily. Everyone assumes im the biggest bitch until they actually get to know me. We had game night at my house on Sunday night. It was about ten of us all together and the whole time was filled with peer laughs, food and good times. Other than that one of my friends started this circle of educated females that share thoughts on different things and it seems to be working out well so far but it needs some tweaking. Itís kind of like group therapy because even though you may not be going through it at the moment it you may have experienced it prior and can speak on it.

Next BF actually questioned my loyalty last night. Im not gonna front it stung because he asked me the female that would do anything and everything for him. The one who has his back no matter if he is right or wrong. The one who always has his best interest at heart. I was shocked I cant lie and the reason why he questioned my loyalty is even more obsurd but u know what I cant do any thing else to prove to him what I have been since we started talking so if thatís how he feels thatís how he feels I donít know what else to do.

I cant have a discussion with this dude cause if I have a contrasting statement he automatically assumes that we are arguing when 8 times out of 10 thatís not the case im just simply disagreeing. But with him once he feel like he has said his piece he doesnít want to hear anything else and just becomes ignorant and I have told him that I cant talk to him when it comes to certain things and he asked me why? He should have been able to answer his own question. Somehow I always end up the bad guy simply because I wanted to call him on his bullshyt or didnít do things by his standards and its frustrating, especially when he talks to me like im a little kid instead of a grown woman. Its not fair to me because then he makes me feel like im turning into this person that I definitely donít want to be. I cant call it sometimes when it comes to him. Havenít seen him in two weeks because every time we have a disagreement and get over it another one comes along. Think God is throwing me curve balls to?? Is this the sign I been asking about?? I dunno

Yo my sister sent out an email last night to the deep thought circle and I would be lying if I said she wasnít telling certain aspects of love story in a nut shell. This is what it said:

ĒLessons I've learned in love:....I've fallen for many a love in my lifetime...all taught me lessons that I carry with me to the next, sometimes a worst habit than falling for the wrong love in the first place..."how dare we ask a good man to pay for the mistakes of some fool before him"-Madea....We all know when its the wrong love, when more times than not your wondering where in his heart you stand...and what other bitch is standing next to you. When every month or so you asking him if HE's ready to put a stamp on your relationship. When he's quick to come and even quicker to go. When you constantly saying I'm not his "girl" but he treat you like his girl though.....

I've devoted years of my life to learning one particular lesson. The woman who goes through hell and high water for the affection of a man ends up bruised and worn down, tainting a beautiful gift from god: LOVE. A man worthy of you're time, affection, mental and physical will not need you to jump through rings of fire, walk the tight rope, wrestle a lion, justify his blatant disregard or suck and [Censored] yourself into an oblivion tryna be his superfreak to prove your sincerity. At this point in my life, I'm tired of the b.s......at this point in my life I've given myself permission to say.. "my way or the mutha fluckin highway" we are a gift, and should be treated as such. If a man is not willing to but you on his top priority list tell his ass to step. In time hurt will heal....the bruise on your ego and the blow to your pride will hurt far worse from feeling used, abused and made a fool when "your all" don't work......TRUST....but you will meet another and maybe another and another after that....but life will continue to go on......don't consider any man your OMEGA until he puts that rock on your hand. CHURCH!!!....VIP ALL DAY!Ē

All I can say is preach on!!! With age comes wisdom for most I hope that saying applies to me.

Other than that life is as it should be still learning, still loving him, still hoping certain [Censored] was different but still my life goes on!!!


Until next timeÖtata




http://a248.e.akamai.net/f/248/5462/2h/www.artisanartsonline.com/images/b316vdxt.jpg

"EVERY MAN IS THREE MEN. WHO PEOPLE THINK HE IS, WHO HE THINKS HE IS AND WHO HE REALLY IS"
-- FONTAINE
View user's profile View All Posts By User U2U Member
esssence
Cocoa Lounge Addict
*****


Avatar


Posts: 1674

Registered: 9.27.2004

Location: NEW YORK

Member Is Offline


Mood: Content

[*] posted on 1.16.2008 at 04:41 PM


Wow November17, 2006 that was all of over a year ago. So much has happened I wouldnít even know where to begin.

I am still in school. Double Majoring so I have about two looooooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnggggggggggg years left. I may consider going to winter session or summer sessions of the upcoming semesters so I can be out of there quicker. I am so ready to be done with school.

I stopped talking to BF in July of 07 turns out he has been lying to me for 2 years. At least that is how I feel. Quit him cold turkey. No form of communication and the fact that he hurt me so bad made it that much easier. At that point it was minimal tears. I cried enough in the time that I was with him.

Naturally my ex who I will never shake because we are friends first before lovers is still around. That is a case all in itself that is rather lengthy to catch up on all that transpired between the two of us over the last year and a half.

I started dating this summer after BF and I left. Like really dating, just conversation no sex involved and I have come to the conclusion that while it is nice to experience other people and new things. I donít have the patience. I just need a regularÖ.LOL. But in order to find that person I guess I have no choice but to date. I am no longer settling for bull [Censored] relationships. Funny thing is I met this really great guy. I mean damn near perfect biggest problem was that the 1. HE waited six months to tell me he doesnít believe in GOD 2. Sexual attraction made a shift after a while and 3. Heís not circumcisedÖnot that I found out. I didnít sleep with him. He told me and sent me a picture one day after a very heated discussion but as you can see out of the 3 the biggest problem for me was that he did not believe in GOD. That was the deal breaker so im back to ďdating datingĒ because I was focusing a lot on him because he was so interesting.

So thatís a VERY brief recap of my 2007, moving on to 2008. I started of f the year freaking fabulous. A bunch of my friends from HS popped up. I had my old friends, my new friends and liquor. My house was packed but I had a very memorable night. So memorable in fact, that I woke to a bunch of drunken fools in my living room. O the memories.

The weekend after New Years was my exís bday. They kept a surprise party for him in Jersey that I attended. All my old friends were there as well and his sister who im pretty close to and THAT CHIC that he told me he wasnít [Censored] wit n e more but happened to be under his tail the whole night. Needless to say it got a lil awkward because everybody knows how we still feel about each other so it was hard for me to see him with another chic and it was hard for him not to act weird towards her because I was there but at the end of the night I prevailed because he always puts me first and for that I will forever love him. His sister also made it quite clear that out of all the females he has dealt with I am her favorite and will forever be her sister in law even tho her and THAT CHIC are good friends. A lot more happened that night but im tryna do a quick wrap up.

Last weekend was my other homeboys from HS bday so we all ended up meeting up again and O what a night it was. Laughter was unlimited and action non stop. One of my friends just came home from doing a 5 year bid and when he left my ex and I were still together and back then nobody thought we would ever break up but things didnít go as planned so he wanted answers. We never really discussed what transpired with friends so needless to say it turned into a big heated debate and we were the topic of discussion the whole night because we had contrasting stories as to what really happened. @ the end of the night we ended up having a heart to heart and that was the end to an almost perfect night. Some other stuff happened that I donít care to discuss.

Fast forward to the week that just passed BF has been pretty persistent over the past couple of months trying to plead his case and I finally give him a chance to just talk and chill freely and would you believe this MF didnít show up now if that doesnít scream nothing has changed I dunno what does. So I retroverted back to my no communication cause I honestly canít deal with the stress and aggravation.

So thatís my 2007 in a nut shell. Minus a few drama filled, party packed moments that I donít have the energy to rehash. We will I may discuss it eventually.




http://a248.e.akamai.net/f/248/5462/2h/www.artisanartsonline.com/images/b316vdxt.jpg

"EVERY MAN IS THREE MEN. WHO PEOPLE THINK HE IS, WHO HE THINKS HE IS AND WHO HE REALLY IS"
-- FONTAINE
View user's profile View All Posts By User U2U Member
esssence
Cocoa Lounge Addict
*****


Avatar


Posts: 1674

Registered: 9.27.2004

Location: NEW YORK

Member Is Offline


Mood: Content

[*] posted on 2.25.2009 at 01:40 PM


GUESS WHO's BACCKKKKKK!!!!! I missed this place. I see not much has changed few people from when I originally joined are still here. Its been over a year and boy what a year it has been. Just glad to have a forum to voice my thoughts again. Probably wont be as often because between all the new repsonsiblity at my job and school I barely have a social life.

Where do I begin?? Definitely have stopped romantically dealing with BF however we are really good friends. I still talk to him on a consistent basis but havent seen him in about a year. He understands that im living my life and I understand that he is living his and I am ok with that.

Stopped dealing with the non beleiver. I could never seriously be with someone who did not believe in GOD. Glad I didnt sleep with him or I would probably be so hard on myself for not finding that out sooner. It was good whlile it lasted and he even took me out for Valentine's day last year. Just as FRIENDS.

As of the end of February last year I came back into contact with this guy I knew since freshman year in HS. He experessed that he liked me back then but as a freshman in HS who has her own insecurites and then this is this super quiet guy with bad acne trying to mack to you..CMON! It would have never worked two quiet people just dont go together. N e way we made it through HS with cordial exchanges, he used to play basketball in with my ex boyfriend so technically they were friends if thats what you want to call it. But that's not the point atleast not yet. The summer after HS we worked together and I saw him slowly coming out of his shell and developed a crush on him but never voiced it. 10 years later we find each other on a popular social network and just exchange how you been and all that good stuff. He gave me his # but I never called. i have never been a phone peson. About three months later I giv ehim my number because...to tell you the truth I really donet know. But about a month later I get a text from a # I dont know and we have been talking ever since. I guess we are dating if that's what you want to call it. Needless to say my ex is not to happy about this. He feels like I betrayed him by dating someone he knows. WTH ya'll were not really friends. Definitely didnt keep in contact so whats the big idea!!!

Fast Forward. its been a year and im starting to get antsy. I know I have a commitment problem but as shallow as it may seem I feel like he should want to be with me in its entirety and he hasnt made mention of it. Has all the perks of a BF and treats me like I am his GF wihtout the title. Sound familiar?? LOL. Histroy repeating itself and im definitely trying to break the cycle before its too late. DAMN THIS HEART OF MINE!!!!

So much has happened over the past year I wouldnt even know where to begin so I will just treat this post like it is my first instead of trying to recap the past.

Until next time....tata




http://a248.e.akamai.net/f/248/5462/2h/www.artisanartsonline.com/images/b316vdxt.jpg

"EVERY MAN IS THREE MEN. WHO PEOPLE THINK HE IS, WHO HE THINKS HE IS AND WHO HE REALLY IS"
-- FONTAINE
View user's profile View All Posts By User U2U Member
 Pages:  1  ..  6  7  8


  Go To Top


Powered by XMB 1.9.8 Engage Final SP2
Developed By The XMB Group © 2001-2008
Black Female Celebrities
Modifications installed by XMB Garage © 2004-2008
[Queries: 19] [PHP: 98.1% - SQL: 1.9%]