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Author: Subject: life and times of essence
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[*] posted on 9.29.2005 at 03:55 PM



On a happier note. I am going to North carolina in two weeks to see my best friend. Im excited about escaping my life for a couple of days. hopefully i will come back with a clear head and readyto take on the world. Maybe I will have tim to think without being influenced. Im excited. Thats the point. This is a well needed break. When I come back im going to begin looking for a second job so I can start saving more money. Cause I really have to go.



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[*] posted on 10.6.2005 at 04:02 PM


Lets see whats been going on in my life. I have had a break form school for the last couple of days which was kind of a breath of fresh air. I only have school today and tuesday of next week then im leaving for north carolina on Wednesday morning. Im excited about that I hope I enjoy myself. Its like going into unknown territory which is kind of what I need right now.

On another note I think im falling for my baby fadda .(Like I havent already fallen with all the talking I do about him on here...lol) He has been trying for these past couple of weeks and though things may not be great their good. I would like to see him more often outside of the club. I feel like hes opening up to me little by little and I understand because I am just as skeptical as he is. Theres alot about me that he doesnt know. Like the fact that I used to be a man(LOL) Seriously if he understood my past then he would understand why I am the way I am.

The funny thing is I dont want to pursue anyone else. Its crazy. So much to choose from and I want him. There is something about him. Ok im going to stop there cause im scaring myself.

In other news I found out my ex boyfriend has went back to his old ways and im kind of happy. I dont think I would be able to handle him loving someone else. I rather he just f*ck them and leave them. Its selfish I know but what can I say. In all honesty if he does fall for one of these chics I know they will never be able to take my spot. I am his first real love. None of them will ever be me.

What else is going on in my life lets see.......The usual beating off men with a stick...lol...I guess thats it. School is going well for the most part.




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[*] posted on 10.17.2005 at 04:34 PM



Im back from North Carolina and it was a breath of fresh air. I didnt do anything spectacular down there but it was cool Hit up a couple of clubs, Met some cool people and had my first expereince @ a strip club which was cool. Overall my trip was cool.

I got some more stuff to say but not enuff time so I shall return. Until Next time. Tata




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[*] posted on 10.20.2005 at 04:45 PM


Weirdest [Censored] happened last nite. My baby fadda outta no where asked me if I loved him?
Was speechless for a minute but then he asked again then he said " I love you" I dont know if he was joking or if he meant it but meant it in a buddy buddy kind of way. We didnt get into detail cause you know I over analyze everything so I didnt get the chance to ask him but I will get to that as soon as I get his full attention again. I dont know what possessed him last nite but just hearing the words leave his lips gave me this weird ass warm feeling inside even if he didnt mean it.

N e way i havent forgotten that I have to come back and tell you about my NC trip I will as soon as I get some good time. Until then Tata




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[*] posted on 10.25.2005 at 03:38 PM


Let me take the opportunity to tell u about my trip to NC. It was cool. i got down there after my 13 hour bus ride at about 8 the nite and proceeded to go to some club called South beach with watered down drinks. It was an expereience thats all I can say.
One thing I noticed by being in the clubs down there was that big girls down there dont care. In NY big girls are real self conscious. Atleast the ones I have seen in the club down there they drop their 300 lbs down and get they eagle on just like everyone else.:booty::rofl:. I respect them for that. They are comfortable in their skin. My bf was explaining to me that in NC their 17 guys to every female so their is a male for everyone and then some. That was a trip fpr me. N e way friday and Saturday nite we went so some club called 910 and apparently this is where the thugs and cuties hang out. I had a good time there both nites.
Saturday nite we went to two strip clubs and it was cool. just hanging wit the boys. Wasnt really interested in the chics but they were a site to see and they kept trying to hit on me. Little did they know I was just there to have something to do and not because of my sexual preference.

Sunday Morning I had a hangover throwing up all 13 hours on my way home. What a way to end my trip. Never been so happy to be home in my life. All my BF male friends tried to get at me by the way but I had to shut em down:date:

Now im back in NY for the past week or so back to the bullshit. I missed my man friend. He has been acting right lately I just hope it lasts. He trys to make an effort to speak to me everyday. He shows interest in me as a person and he is allowing me to get to know him kinda sorta so things are looking up. Just got to keep my finger crossed cause lord knows he is influenced easily. I guess its all a part of being young and not knowing yourself. I think if things start to go sour this time I can actually let go because I know I honestly tried and we just werent compatible. I would be content as long as we remained cool and kept that respect for one another.

On another note my ex boyfriend back. I still love him what can I say thats never gonna die but we havent actually gave it a conscious effort maybe I should :dunno:
What is meant to be will be

Until next time ....tata




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[*] posted on 11.6.2005 at 07:57 PM


Where do I begin. My week has been a long one. Where do I begin!!!! I go to work and school everyday but besides that. I had a job interview on Thursday for a paid internship @ this fundraising company. i would really like the job. I feel it would give me a head start in my career and my entrepreneur plans. Plus it would be extra cash which would allow me to keep up my plans to move at the end of december.

On the ship of relations note. I dont really know what to say or do. Its like when you know somebody may be poisonous but you have to be poisoned in order to believe it. Like the wet paint sign but u have to touch the paint any way. My babay fadda hes young ( Ok thats not an excuse because im young too but I feel like I had to grow up alot faster than ppl my age) and easily influened by his surroundings so no matter what I say or do its not enough because I dont hold as much weight I guess. I just feel like he is trying to live up to everyone elses standards but his own and in actuality I love the person he really is and not this half a front he puts on for other people. Its like one minute he can be a complete sweetheart and the next a complete ass hole.
If I had to describe him I would say he has two sides like most people do. He has the softer side(which is still pretty rough I told him hes going to abuse his wife...back to the point) which is the side I see most of the time but we both have big egos and big pride being from the same sign we have alot of similar personality traits and that [Censored] bucks sometime. I think alot of what stops us from communicating is im scared to let my guard down because I feel like I will just get more caught up if i do. (Sorry went on a rant) Back to the point. Then there is the other side of him that still has the ego problem that he is going to have to learn to subdue to get ahead. Hes real focused and business minded and I like that just got to work on his approach. Hes real mysterious too u never know whats on his mind and its like pulling teeth trying to find out. He has a real problem with expressing emotion but I think thats because he hasnt found the right person to talk to. I think hes scared but Im working on it. Hes a really good person just changes faces often.

Im not saying that im looking for a relationship with this guy but I feel like if things keep progressing im not going to be cool with the fact that we are just friends because the things I do for him now and the things I think about doing for him should be for my man rather than that n*gga that is just my friend. There is so much that I hold back just because im afraid if I cross the line for "friend" what do I have to offer someone I have a committed relationship with. Not neccessarily marriage cause that [Censored] is overrated. Dont get me wrong I want to get married but i want it to be right.( Off topic again). I think(this is my overanalysist coming into play) he sees how other selectors in the business live their life and he doesnt dare to be different in fear of what everyone else may think. Basically as much as he claim he is he isnt his own man. He is like 80% his own man and the rest is up for grabs. So I just give him his space and hope that as he grows that he realizes he has to live life for his self and not for everyone else (sh*t took me 21 years to realize it) but who knows if I will b a fraction in his life when he finally realizes.I think thats another thing too. He feels like im not going anywhere so he can continue with the bullshit. What he fails to realize is that the only reason I havent given up on him yet is because I see through his bullshit.

Im tired of writing so until next time.....tata




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[*] posted on 11.15.2005 at 04:45 PM


Another week!!! Its like the drama is never ending, regardless of the madness going on in my life I feel a sense of calm over my body.

I learned yesterday that my grandfather has lung cancer and is going in for surgery tomorrow morning to have part of his lung removed. I feel helpless because there is nothing I can do to fix him. Im scared that one of my grandparents will have to go before the other and the other will be lonely and heartbroken. I cant imaginge one without the other. This is some major surgery he is going in for and I dont think I have come to grips with how serious this may be. Im just praying the surgery is successful and he has a speedy recovery.

Next the guy my sister is talking to is being a real [Censored] and causing her so much stress for no reason. Though they share some weird commitment he is very controlling and doesnt handle the fact that she has male friends well. In actuality he doesnt handle it at all because everytime she goes out with them he stops talking to her. So I asked her is she willing to give up her friends that have been around for a minute just to be in love. She said they have to compromise but obviously @ this point from his standpoint that is not an option. So im like do you actually want to be with this dude with all the [Censored] he puts you through. I dont get it.:headscratch: but I wish I could cheer her up. Another family problem I cant solve.

In my own love life as much as I HATE to admit it I think Im in very strong infatuation with baby fadda. Cant be love cause he treats me like crap 70 percent of the time. So im going to settle for infatuation. I dont know how it happened but it crept up on me. I find myself missing him and thinking about him constantly. I also wonder sometimes if I cross his mind half as much as he is on mine but that is one question I would never know the answer to. The point is I dont want to feel. Atleast not for him because im afraid or rather I know he can never feel the same. I dont even know if he FEELS!!!


I dont know im trying to keep my spirits up. Im doing a really good job but I feel like its but so long before I break.

Until next time tata




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[*] posted on 11.17.2005 at 06:58 PM


Lets see. Well my grandfather got the surgery he will be in the hospital a few days. From what I have heard so far it has been successful. So im very glad for that.

In other news my uncle crashed my mothers brand new car that she didnt even drive yet. I feel really bad wish there was something I could do to help her out but funds is limited. My uncle dont have a job so god knows when he will be able to get repairs or buy her a new car.:steam::angry:

Next my stinky(baby fadda) left for florida two days ago and I miss him. I missed him when he was here but now that I know he is not in the near vicinity I miss him even more. It sucks cause I dont want to miss him @ all that would just prove the fact that I have feelings that I dont want to have.

Thats all for right now. Until next time Tata




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[*] posted on 11.27.2005 at 01:35 PM


So brief update. Things have been going well so far just trying to keep a smile on my face and my head high.

I have about a month of school left and a month to move and find a decent paying job.

I know this is supposed to be a happy thing but im so scared. I have these feelings for someone that im sure doesnt feel the same way about me. Hes a really good person dont get me wrong theres just so much to the story that I cant explain right now. I shall return to give u the full scoop. Until next time. Tata




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[*] posted on 2.7.2006 at 05:00 PM


Now that I have dug my journal out from the trenches I can give an update. WHooo its been so long.

Where do I start. So my baby fadda that im always talking about I think its over. Not that we were ever really in a realationship but what we had is over. He just stopped calling one day and I stopped taking the initiative to try to make things right between us when I was the only one suffering. I cant front I miss him but what can I do. Cant make somebody want you that doesnt. What didnt sit well with me was he calls my homegirl everyday multiple times. She doesnt tell me but im with her often enough to know. This is the same guy that couldnt find time to talk or come see me. That kind of pricked me but im taking it in stride.(No stress in 2006)

My bestest bestest best friend is coming back to in a couple of months im really excited about that. I know that if no one else understands me she does and I love her so much for it and I get to help her plan her wedding so maybe she can hurry up and give me some god babies.

I moved out of my mothers house. WOOOO HOOOO. Me and my sister and one of her friends got a BEAUTIFUL apartment out in Brooklyn. So far besides the fact that I have no furniture it has been great. I miss my mom and my lil sis but I still go back 2 queens practically every weekend.

In other news I have met this guy well the funny thing is I knew him since the end of 2004 its weird cause we only talked online. Thats a long story about how we met anyway we started talking on aim and we have alot in common. N e way all along he was an online buddy we stopped talking 4 a couple of months and the other day out of the blue he reappears and im's me and we been talking often enough ever since. He wants to take me out but.....He is a sweetheart and smart and alot of other things but im still hung up on baby fadda.

YEAH I KNOW its sad when a n*gga treats you like sh!t and u stick around and let opportunity pass u by but I just got this feeling. I dont know how to explain it but I just feel like there is a reason why he is still on my mind.

Other than that I got a full time job that pays well and Im happy here for the most part and can finally start doing things that I want to without wondering where the money is coming from.

Thats all for now folks. Until next time...tata




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[*] posted on 2.17.2006 at 12:36 PM


Another Day! Holiday Weekend very excited about that. An extra day to sleep .:gn:.

In other news still thinking about baby fadda. If hes ok what hes doing if I crossed his mind etc etc. I spoke to him a couple of days ago so atleast I know hes alive and well.

SOOOO.... we went to a party Saturday Nite and he was there naturally so u know I had to put on my game face and act like him being there didnt have n e effect on me but inside I just wanted tohug him and kiss him and tell him everything that has ever been on my mind(but I wouldnt do that in my wildest dreams). N e way hes talking to my homegirl and I was walking in their direction to get off the stage and then I see my friend introduce him to some next chic and in my head im like nope cant be what I think it is but just in case it is. I made an about face and walked in the other direction. If I said I wasnt tingling I would be lying but had to remind myself no stress in 2006 especially ova some dude that doesnt want me. Later that nite just to see what she would say I said to my friend Im not talking to you if that was an intro between HIM and the next chic cause apparently she knew her. Can I tell you she told him????? So im like :wtf: . Thats not cool but naturally I didnt say anything about it cause knowing me and my temper I probably would have said some not so nice things at that moment. Maybe like 2 days later I called her on it and she told me yeah she told him because she was mad that I would think that she would do something like that. So I asked her "so from now on when im mad I can say whatever I want to and its justified because I was mad" long story short I was upset for maybe 5 min and then I repeated to myself no stress in 06.

I dont know when it comes to her sometimes its like I know she means well but theres always that question in the back of my head.

My grandpa has been in the hospital for the past week because he never went back for the chemo the last time he got out the hospital. Its crazy. I hope everything works out cause i dont know how my grandma will make it.

Supposed to go out tonite and have dinner with this dude not a date just chilling. I hope he doesnt think its a date. Maybe I shouldnt joke around and call everything a hot date when im going out.( NOTE TO SELF) He seems like a really cool person though. Im nervous feel like im cheating on baby fadda because im going out alone with another dude(even though we are not together its f*cking crazy im being loyal to a dude I dont even have a relationship with...think im losing it or he obyeahed me ...LOL) Ne way maybe he can take my mind off babay fadda for the nite because I know he aint thinkin about me.

I havent been in much of a talking mood this past week. I really just wanted to be by myself and analyze alot of [Censored]. I think im on the rite track so far for this year and I would like to keep it that way. Im analyzing and over analyzing alot of my friendships and either im the worst friend in the world or im just not an easy person to get along with and understand. I would like to say its the latter.

I had so much I wanted to say but I dont feel like it so I will keep it for another day.

Until next time Tata




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[*] posted on 2.21.2006 at 11:56 AM


Ask me where I spent 1400 dollars in the last two months but it sure is missing form my bank account. Plan on keeping better track of my finances from this day out. I just plan on doing a lot of saving theres alot of ish I want to do this year.

To the good stuff. So I didnt go out on Friday atleast not with the dude but I did go to the city. Long story that I rather not rehash but instead forget.

In other news I saw baby fadda this weekend. Things are different now though. I REALLY have no expectations of him now cause I realized thats where I was going wrong. If I have no expectations I cant be disappointed. It felt nice to have him near though plus it doesnt hurt that he is so f+cking adorable. I dont know why hes suddenly interested again but I know if I ask I will just get a bs answer anyway so im just going to let it go. I let him volunteer the information cause thats the only time I get real answers.

My weekend was cool for the most part nothing too exciting. Did a little partying but I was in chill mode for the majority of the weekend.

Until next time tata




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[*] posted on 2.21.2006 at 02:08 PM


Looking back and reading my journal just reminds me of how confusing I am. By reading it after the fact I can look at some of the situations from a different perspective. I change emotions so often its crazy. Gotta work on that.

O boy the drama I have been through and all the different emotions. If I could go back I wouldnt change n e thing what doesnt kills me only makes me stronger. I just have to start making better decisions cause I be gettin myself into some fucced up shiit.

Just had 2 post that. Until next time...tata




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[*] posted on 2.22.2006 at 03:55 PM


Going to make it a point to try to keep my journal updated..

You ever want to ask a person so much but are scared of the responses you may get???Thats how I feel when it comes to baby fadda. I dont know if he feels that im just not interested in him as a person and what he does but thats not the case.

N e way. Another day. Nothing special happening round these ends. Just wish I was getting some :butt:. but im not really complaning.SH!T yes I am. Since April I have been sleeping with the same dude and even though he isnt giving it up as often as I would like( atleast once a week preferably more instead of months at a time) I wont sleep with n e body else at this point. I couldnt even if I tried cause of this thing called a conscience( freaking sucks).
Until next time tata




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[*] posted on 2.27.2006 at 12:20 PM


Its been about a week. Lets see whats been happening.

Friday we had girls nite out. We went to the movies to go see Madeas Family Reunion it was about seven of us and we had a ball.

My best friends brother called me at 4 in the damn morning just to talk. He said he figured i would be up because when we used to go on our runs to nowhere when he was in NY it was always mad late at nite or morning I should say.

Then baby fadda calls me at 6 because if he got to be up I got to be up too. O boy. I wasnt complaining though because that time is when we have the best conversations. Boy how I would have liked for him to be at my house beside me though but thats a whole nother story.

Saturday I went to the furniture store to try to pick out my dresser and head board saw 2 sets that I like now to save the money to get it. Maybe just the dresser first the headboard can wait but I need somewhere to put the rest of my clothes now. Then me my best friend and my sister went to the mall. I bought these really cute shoes and some tops and I got a really cute Guess pea coat so I can get my grown woman on(lol). We went back to my house and was being dumb as usual when all of us get together till the wee hours of the morning. Spoke to baby fadda early morning too. Wanted to be doing :lovers::hump: but I would have settled for just him being there but he was out of state.

Sunday was a chill day. Baby fadda was supposed to come by but I dont ever believe him n e more until he shows up cause hes good for standing me up. Good thing I didnt get my hopes up cause he didnt end up coming but he wasnt in the best of moods. Atleast he called this time as opposed to jsut blowing me the hell off. I cooked for him though just in case he did (but I would never tell him that...lol). I made bbq chicken and sweet potatoes and corn. Didnt cook any rice cause we really dont eat rice often in my house but I would have cooked it for him if he asked nicely.(lol)
Overall it was a very nice weekend. See doesnt take much to make me happy.

Next 6:50 something this morning my pager is going off. My dad is like call me as soon as possible. Im thinking its an emergency so I roll over and call him. He's like what if I told you I could get you a car for 500 dollars. Im like what kind of car?? Hes like my car. Now my dad likes big ass cars and im a little itty bitty girl so he he has like a buick not really a throw back but it looks like an updated taxi cab. So im like damn its not the cutest car and what I expected my first car to be but its a car that gets me from here to there for the time being and I could always sell it after the fact and get something a little daintier. So im still thinking about it but I will probably end up taking it. Only got to pay 100 dollars a month for insurance soooo im not really losing anything. Just an extra got damn bill. Gonna have to come up with a budget cause this is bannanas.

Thats about it for the update so until next time TATa




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"EVERY MAN IS THREE MEN. WHO PEOPLE THINK HE IS, WHO HE THINKS HE IS AND WHO HE REALLY IS"
-- FONTAINE
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