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Author: Subject: life and times of essence
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[*] posted on 11.22.2004 at 05:34 PM


So it is a rather boring day on the lounge. Hey its monday!!! Anyway I had to come and write wha t transpired over the weekend. Friday after sitting in my house all day my best friend calls me and tells me she wants to do something so im like bet we end up going to pick up my other best friend who is in town for the week and we have an official girls night out at red lobsters sipping daquiris and talking people business. It felt like old times seen as how everyone has their own lives now we hardly see each other. I had tons of fun.
Saturday I sat in my house for the majority of the day also until my ex boyfriend called me and asked me to pull out his hair for him so im like no because you get on my damn nerves. Hes like awww what did I do now...make a long story short I ended up going to get him and taking out his braids while he lay in my bed with his hung over ass because he went out the night before. We talked a little and then he was like he was ready to go so I dropped him home and im like I'm glad your moving because I have to cleanse you from my system. ( oh yeah if I didnt say it hes moving to SC he been moving for like 2 weeks now and I think finally left Sunday morning) . Anyway hes like oh so your just going to forget about me I was like that would be damn near impossible but I need to erase the thought that there can ever be anything betweeen us again because I see you living your life I need to do the same so then instead of getting out the car hes sitting there like he has something to say and im like what? and hes like I dont know when I figure it out I will tell you. That just pissed me off so when he knows im nmad at him he has this stupid thing where he kisses me all over my face and then gets out the car. So I need to close that chapter of my life. The healing process begins now my new life begins January 1.

Sunday now I sit in my house all day until Mr. Cooke comes over so I can braid his hair.
That was pretty much my weekend. Nothing to extravagant. I have more to say but maybe some other time...tata




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[*] posted on 12.27.2004 at 02:05 PM


Damn I havent posted in my journal for over a month thats crazy. Let me fill you in on the happenings in my life......lol. So that dude that i told you I had 2 cut off cause he had ulterior intentions is really messing up my availability. He got niggas coming at me sideways in the club talking about they dont want to get too close because they heard I was his girl. Im like whoa nelly..im single what the hell are you talkin about.....anyway i called him and basically told him about himself and all he keeps saying is you know you my boo..:blah:..im going to make you fall in love with me you will see and a whole bunch of nonsense im like dude are u serious why would i even allow my self to get caught up in such a fucced up situation.Thats what I get for being nice to people. So ever since then he has been calling me and texting me but i dont answer or return his phone calls.
In other news my friend finally came around and realized what is important to her. Bravo to her.
Im basically living out my club years now I feel like i party atleast four days out of the week which is crazy. But I consider it to be networking.
In other news I havent heard from my ex boyfriend since he moved. I hope hes safe. Slowly but surely getting over him so maybe him not calling me is better off for the both of us. Still love him to death though.

ill be back later to tell you the rest.




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[*] posted on 12.27.2004 at 03:26 PM


Im back....So anyway my current ex boyfriend if thats what you want to call it..I dont know....keeps asking me if I still love him and if i miss him and on one hand I just want to say yes but on the other its like i wasnt 100 percent happy being in that relationship with him one because he still has some growing up to do and two because we didnt see eye to eye on things i felt was importrant to me so why settle. It was better that i got out while the relationship was still young than go deeper and find out that what we had really wasnt meant to be. My intentions was never to hurt him at all.
In other news these dudes I come into cntact with on basically a daily basis have been hitting hard all of a sudden. Im shocked that they would try to talk to me. Im like is this really what dudes come to the club to do and if so do they not see this dont f#ck with me grimace on my face. Half those dudes aint about [Censored] and its sad because the other half that may be have to suffer.Maybe its because they know they cant have me because I have no intentions of talking to any of them. No more drama for 2005.I mean the attention is cute at first but then it becomes like a burden when you got dudes coming at u from every angle. Its crazy.

The semester is over I think I did fairly well. My absences may be the only thing that greatly affects my grade because my work is definetly up to par.
I have a job interview on wednesday for a bank I pray to god that I get that job so I can do for myself..save up enough money to hopefully move out. Im working on it.
I guess thats it for now until next time tata




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[*] posted on 1.2.2005 at 11:55 PM


Happy new year journal. No new years resolutions really just leave whatever happened in 2004 in 2004. Me first eveyone else after. This is my year. I'm turning 21. I have decided that I want to go to atlantic city with a couple of my friends. Chill. Gamble. stay in a hotel for the night come home the next day party hard the saturday night. Turn 21 the right way.

In other news I finally got my two way back ...I'm on it right now. I'm excited.

My ex boyfriend finally called me to let me know he was alive so I can stop worrying now.
I'm getting tired so I will elaborate tomorrow. Tata




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[*] posted on 1.14.2005 at 09:34 PM



Guess whos bizack....MMMEEEEEEEEEE...yeah..i havent been on here in what feels like forever. I missed mad stuff. Geezzz. Anyway to fill u in on my life not much has happened just need to find a job other than that 2005 seems to b my year. I will b back to elaborate...tata



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[*] posted on 1.28.2005 at 11:35 PM


So 2005 is not looking up today...I still dont have a job, my two way got stolen today. Like literally ripped out my hands. My ex boyfriend hasnt called me back since the beginning of the month. Im kind of down but trying to keep my head up. Soemthing good iz going to come of this and when im blessed its going to be a great day. Atleast thats what I try to tell myself. Until next time...tata



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[*] posted on 3.8.2005 at 06:15 PM


I havent been in here in a hot minute. Well to brief u on things I still dont have a job. Actually I worked as a Temp @ Essence Magazines Advertising Department which really gave me insight into the field that I am about to enter once I graduate. So that was cool but as u know all good things must come to an end. So back to the drawing board.
My ex boyfriend still hasnt called me and i have decided to stop living my life wondering what is going to happen with him in the future. Im pretty sure he is out there doing him because he sure as hell is not focused on me. So what can I do but accept the fact that things just arent the same between us. When im ready to feel again he isnt and its only fair because I did the same thing to him.
In other news I have slowed down with the party life I only party mon, tue, wed, fri, sat sundays are optional....lol. Atleast im not Just partying. Im trying to do something with my life.
For 2005 I have sworn off love because love doesnt love me. I know im still young but I feel like my life is just passing me by lonely. I want to meet that person that I have an instant connection with. Someone that understands that I do have flaws but is willing to look past that because to them I am the most beautiful woman inside and out. Im not feeling this whole trial and error thing. Its like each time I get involved with someone thinking that he may be the one and the relationship fails a part of me is taken away and its not a nice feeling at all. I want to live life to the fullest...I want to love like I never have before. Dammit is this too much to ask. Maybe if I stop dealing with these trick ass negroes and actually do a serious lond drawn out pre screening before I get involved I may have some luck. I dont want to be lonely.Its hard because all my real female friends are married, coupled off or in happy friendship with benefit relationships. I guess im the odd ball out the group because I cant get n e of these things. Its not that I cant get them but now that im older and I have somewhat learned from my mistakes I have such High standards for myself its hard. I dont know I cant call it im just venting right now.
In other news school seems to be going well so far. I made deans list last sememster:ty: thank you thank u. This semester is going by extremely slow but I only have 3 more classes after this to graduate and then its off to real college hopefully.
Until next time...tata




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[*] posted on 4.5.2005 at 06:27 PM


Damn its been a while..so much to tell so little time. Once again I started another temp job that is about to come to an end. I love this job wish I could stay but like I said before all good things must come to an end. :nopity:

I turned 21 last week friday!:birthday:....It was ok. I went to red lobsters with my friends and sister...came home cut my cake( yeah im still a kid @ heart).....then went 2 the club.... negro said some slick sh!t pissed me off for the rest of the night. Saturday I slept for the majority of the day and then my fam threw me a suprise party...it was really cute.

The thing that made my weekend
1.Was the happy bday email from my "baby fadda". This guy that I like.
2.He was also at my suprise shin dig but I didnt get 2 see him(DAMN). My dad says he seems like a cool dude though so thats definetly a plus.
3.Im a grown woman now. Really!!! I got ID to prove it (LOL)

My ex boyfriend came back from the dead...gonna call me the day b4 my bday and tell me he has been back in town 4 2 weeks but was " scared" to call me.....BULLSH!T!!!!!!!.....but as usual after giving him a piece of my mind I forgave him and let him take me to lunch on my bday. It wasnt that same yearning feeling for him though.... I guess time does heal everything.

School is going okay...im not as focused as I was last semester but im still doing good.
So much more to tell but have 2 go to class so until lata...tata




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[*] posted on 6.21.2005 at 02:36 PM


Damn I aint been in here in two months. I cant keep up with this journal bit. Guess I got to brief you on the happenings of the past two months. Hmm...where do I begin. So as you know my ex boyfriend is back in town and though I am not completly ova him I have been living with out him. I have probably seen him all of four times since april which is a good thing and I dont speak to him often. I stilll love him to death but with all these new things occupying my time I reallly dont have time to dwell on what could have been. My other ex boyfriend. We still keep in touch. I dont speak to him often either. He claims he wants me back but I know he is out there doing him and I am not mad at him because like I stated I wasnt completly satisfied in that relationship.

I started talking to this guy in April. Just for my journals sake I will refer to him as my baby fadda...lol. Long story. I told him im gonna have his kids cause I want them to have his beautiful complexion and his baby soft hands. He was a real sweetheart when we first started talking. Im not a mushy person affectionate but not mushy. N e way he used to call me baby and sweetheart all in all he was a real sweetheart won me over real quick(thats how they get you). He used to say little things that made me cheese from ear 2 ear (even though I would never tell him that ) He kept a smile on my face daily. In the beginning he found time to come see me if it was only for ten minutes it meant alot to me to know that even though he may have been busy he was still thinking about me and still wanted to see me. Or if he didnt hear from me for a day it didnt feel rite. Notice all of that is past tense because its like he decided he was doing it all wrong and flipped on me. Now two months lata I cant call it.

I ask myself am I expecting too much??? Is me getting bored in a relation ----- ship where the person cant find three seconds out of the day to call u or an hour out of his week to spend with you not justified??? But im not really pressing him because I know hes not really looking for a relationship and in a sense im not either but im not against the idea either.

In other news my bookie butt has started saying words. o....im talking about my little cousin thats basically my son He is the cutest thing. He started saying "tata.ok shee u( C u)". If he sees something he think u should be seeing he says, "U shee". He says "Hi sexy". He is the greatest. If no one else can put a smile on my face that little boy can.


This is 2005 I said I wasnt going to let anything get me down and I am trying my best but its hard. Real HARD!!!! I dont know what else to write so until next time......tata




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[*] posted on 7.8.2005 at 08:32 PM


Hey!!!!! So todays weather sucked it rained all day and for some reason that always puts a damper on my mood.

Lets see whats been happeining in my life:

I think I have finally come to the realization that though I still love my ex boyfriend I am no longer in love with him. I think I am holding on to what used to b instead of what is now. Its like he is a completly different person. We both grew into compltely different people. Though we are still very compatible. I dont think it would be wise to try to rekindle something with him even though he is the only man that I have completely opened up to and who knows damn near everything about me and always knows what to say or do to make me happy. I think I need to move on and date ( if thats what u want to call it). My other ex boyfriend theres not much to say I do love him but I cant be with him. Theres too much to explain but like I said before things that are important to me we just dont see eye to eye on.


Now as far as my baby fadda.....u know when u know something is bad for u but u just dont want to let go. Its something like that. He has this whole mysterious aura and he wont let me into his shell. I guess the challenge is what keeps me around. But I think im gonna be ready to throw in the towel pretty soon because I dont want to get my feelings hurt. Thats not in the plans.
Either im going to get to know him and love him and then realize I cant be with him because thats not what he wants.

Or im gonna hate who he is and be mad at myself.

But if I walk out on my own terms everybody wins.

Other than that my life has been same old not filled with much excitement and pretty mundane but im tryin gotta turn it around. We will see!!!




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[*] posted on 7.30.2005 at 01:21 PM


I think I really am my own worst enemy because I live for everyone else but myself sometimes. Im always trying to make everybody happy and I end up getting my feelings hurt or unappreaciated in the end. I need a vacation so bad. Just me myself and I cause Im so tired of everybody else. I think im just going to rent a hotel room for a day that has a jacuzzi and pamper myself cause sometimes I feel like im losing focus and losing control of my life by the day. The only thiing is even afta I come back from a day of relaxation its rite back to the bullshit. I wish I could run away from myself. ITs crazy. Im not even depressed just not happy with how everything is going. I dont know what to do.



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[*] posted on 8.2.2005 at 02:50 PM


So I made up my mind. I am going to the air force. Im not going to fight for this flucked up country but instead going to better myself. Discipline myself as well as broaden my opportunities with the financial help I will be receiving. I have been giving it some thought for quite some time now but I think today I have officially made up my mind. I got to stop living for eveybody else but myself. I got to do what I feel is best for me and this will take me away from the bullshit and drama of every day life. Its going to be odd and new and uncomfortable but I think I will be able to handle it. Its the physical training thats going to get me. As skinny as I am I can barely run up my house steps without breathing all hard but I figure if I start working out now by January I should be in shape. So thats the plan.



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[*] posted on 8.10.2005 at 07:32 PM


So I brought the idea of the air force to my family and friends and it was about 75% negative feed back needless to say they have me reevaluating.

I been on a serious up and down roller coaster these last few days but I dont feel horrible or anything just not like myself.

Every male from my past has reappeared and all at the same time. My ex boyfriend who I was with for all of three weeks when I was 15 has gotten out of jail after being locked up for the past five years and decides he is still in love with me and we need to " talk" so he is coming over my house on Sunday. Im gonna hear him out but I doubt the outcome will be as he wished.

My best friends brother who I have this mysterious bond with came back to NY for the weekend and decided that he wants to spend time with me. Needless to say we didnt get the opportunity to chill with his bestfriend( my ex that just got out of jail) just coming home they were togther for the majority of the weekend.

My best freind is stressed about school and I just wish I could take all her troubles away because she tries her best to do that for me. I miss that girl like crazy. Shes in Arizona and hopefully will be coming back by the end of the year.


My ex boyfriend is sending me mixed signals but I aint really stressing shorty. Cause I really dont know what I want at this point.

My baby fadda is somebody else at this point cause thats not the person I was introduced to and I havent called or spoken to him in about a week. I wonder what will happen when we run into each other again. I really have no hard feelings about the situation. Live and learn thats what I been doing and what im going to continue doing. When I die I can honestly say I lived life. I May have been hurt along the way but its all a part of life and I can say I picked myself up and kept it moving.

I have been having night mares every nite since sunday nite and its beean about alot of sh!t but the one that stuck out was the ones about snakes. It was really weird so I dont want to recap it but my mom said what it means is that I have an enemy in my camp. She said if the snake ate me it means that my enemy defeated me and since it didnt it means im going to overcome any obstacle that this person throws in my way.

That pretty much sums up whats been going on in my life. Until next time. Tata




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[*] posted on 9.8.2005 at 03:16 PM


I havent reallly been on the lounge for socializing purposes as of lately but I came here today to get some sh!t off my chest.

Im on this roller coaster ride called life and its taking its toll on me. Im seriously feeling like any day now im just gonna break and lose it and go postal and im trying really hard not to. The [Censored]@d up sh!t is that I dont even know what the source of my unhappiness is. I think its just me wanting too much all at once.

1. I want to move out my house so badly because every day I go there I feel like im losing a piece of my sanity but the funds to move arent really there yet. When I move I dont want to have to want for anything so im working on the saving portion.

2. I want to meet someone that im attracted to in all aspects and actually has my best interest at heart at all times and loves me whole heartedly and not half ass.

3. I want a career not just a job. Im itching to start my businesses but I have alot more information I have to get first.

I want all these things not neccessarily in this sequence. Im only 21 and I feel like I should have began my life already but yet its just passing me by.

Its not like im not doing anything positive with my life because I am still enrolled in school and working but I just feel like I should be doing so much more.

Another thing that has been bothering me is that I [Censored]@d up and caught feelings for my baby fadda. I try not to let it affect me and just forget about it but its really not happening. All I want at this point is for him 2 know that there's so much more to me than he knows and thats because he never cared to find out.Thats whats bothering me. That someone may be out there with the wrong outlook on who I am and what I stand for.

I feel like by me starting out the ship of relations on a I dont want anything serious vibe and then I slept with him about a month if even that long after the fact he took it as the sex was all I was lookin for. But it wasnt and now I cant go back and change it. I dont believe in all that waiting three months and sh!t because a dude is gonna do what he want to do regardless whether it be 1 week or 3 months after you slept with him but theres always that quetion in my head if he thinks I do this with every dude I talk to. We never really had a chance to discuss my past relationships but he does know that the majority of them were long term and by talking to me know that I carry myself alot better than that so he cant possibly think that rite???

What can I say sh!t happens. I just wish things could be different.

I cant remember everything else I wanted to write so until next time....tata




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[*] posted on 9.29.2005 at 03:45 PM


So I have some time before i get off of work so I can fill my journal in on my life.

Lets see where do I start. As of lately I dont know if im going or coming. How I feel right now its like everything is just not falling into place as I expected it to. I just want to :wizard: and disappear. Come back and start over.

My baby fadda that I was talking to that I stopped talking to that I began talking to again (LOL)is taking me on a serious roller coaster ride(As you can see). I dont know what it is about him but whatever it is has a strong hold over me cause I havent even tried talking to anyone else. I feel like I should just let it go but I dont want to.
I actually had a tarot reading to day. It told me that the guy in my life (he is the only guy in my life at the moment) is not ready to settle. (Which I kinda knew) He is still young and immature. ( Hes not immature but he is young)Is not sure where he wants to go in life yet.( He has an idea and whatever he chooses to do I go his back 100 % cause I know he has the determination to be successful at whatever he want to) Hes insecure because he feels that I have more experience than he does. ( That I will never know cause hes not good at expressing feelings. I wish he felt that he could talk to me) It also stated that I can get what I desire from the relationship because he will stick around as long as I put up with him. He will not leave the relationship it is up to me to let go. ( This is starting to prove true) It said that this may not be what I actually want because he may start to irk my nerves. ( I hope not) This may sound dumb but it could damn well be true. Which is very scary.

Our ship of relations we have is stressful at times and he is challenging but atleast now hes taking the initiative to do things that he has been lacking to for the past couple of months. Hes trying and its not unnoticed but I wonder how long its going to last. And honestly I dont think im asking for too much.

F*ck the tarot in all honesty I just want to be loved(by him or another prospect). I want to know what its like to love somebody unconditionally and have somebody love me whole heartedly. Skip all the game and bs guys throw your way. i just want to meet somebody real for a change. If thats wrong then I dont want to be rite. I think when I do find that person there is very little that I wont do to keep that person happy . Hopefully I can let down my guard for once in my life.


School is going fairly well so far. So thats a plus in my life. Im doing work study this semester and the office I am in is cool. My sister and i are trying to move and im going to make an honest effort to save all my money that I dont need to cover neccessities so i can be ready by december. By december I should be obtaining my associates degree and getting a job in my field as well as transfering schools to get my bachelors. With gods blessings I should be able to do it all. I just feel like I need to get out my house.I need my own space to come home to at nite.

On another note. I met a really nice guy. I have known him for a minute he goes to my school he was in one of my math classes a couple semesters ago. I only talk to him in school. We probably talked on the phone all of three times. Now that im actually getting to know him hes not half bad but I dont see anything comming of this but friendship. Im basically just living every day one at a time now but I feel like I should be doing things differently as far as relationships.

Im still young so who knows what my future holds. I will just put it in gods hands and hope he guides me and protects me and hears my prayers.




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"EVERY MAN IS THREE MEN. WHO PEOPLE THINK HE IS, WHO HE THINKS HE IS AND WHO HE REALLY IS"
-- FONTAINE
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