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Author: Subject: Straddling the Fence
biracialgal
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[*] posted on 4.13.2009 at 02:56 PM
Straddling the Fence


So, here is my first entry.....

Who am I, and what am I all about? I am just your average run of the mill, biracial gal who loves her family, was raised more Afro-centric, and is discovering the history of her European side.

Right now I am dealing with getting to know a family that I felt never really accepted me. My African-American side of the family was always very accepting and loving and I just felt accepted. But, there were rumors and things regarding my European side of the family that suggested that the family didn't want to be a part of my life because I was mixed.

It turns out that while some of that rumor was true, not all of the family felt that way. And so now, even as an adult, I am dealing with past disappointments, and reaching out to get to know them.

It is very emotional at times because my parents are deceased, and there are a lot of unanswered questions. I am also dealing with having negative feelings towards one side of my family because I felt really abandoned.

I am greatly looking forward to learning about all sides of where I come from.

Hmmm....what else can I say about myself...

Some people automatically understand me, and some people automatically do not. I have friends that say that they cannot understand how people cannot realize I am mixed, and other people who somehow.....feel the need to question my loyalty. I understand where all of those issues come from, and I just continue to be me. I think some people assume I am just trying to identify with a group, and that I don't share the same ancestry.

Over time, most people come to realize that I am who I am, and I am just being real. Yeah, I get the weird looks when I discuss my love of grits and the Gap band, but, well, people get used to it. :)

I have turned my love for how I was raised and the culture I was raised in, to also be a love of learning and understanding other cultures. I love to learn about people all over the world as much as I love learning about myself.
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biracialgal
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[*] posted on 4.13.2009 at 06:24 PM


More info....

I was raised in a household that emphasized the strength and history and culture of African-Americans.

As such, from time to time, my spidey senses are a bit too sharp, and I am apt to raise an eyebrow if I think someone is getting a bit out of pocket with typical stereotypes...which, can be funny to view at times, because there is that look of puzzlement that comes over a person's face when they say something about African-Americans, and I reply with facts about why their stereotypes are not true. This is sometimes odd to people cause they wonder why I am so passionate about things.

I will say that my experiences have been that some people from my African-American culture have at times, not been so kind to me...they either didn't know we shared the same ancestry, or they thought that maybe I was the kind of girl who focused on being lighter skinned...which I don't. I like who I am and how I look, and sometimes wished I was a bit more golden as I can look a bit sickly when it gets to the winter months, Not so good. I don't like the complexion issues we have in our culture, and I do not date men or ever dated men that would comment on my complexion. If a guy says he doesn't like this or that kind of sista, then I am not going to date him based upon the principal of his statements. I have also had some slack from my European ancestry as they either don't know I am mixed and say some of the craziest things in front of me, or they subtley look down on me, or they do silly things like point out a good characteristic I have, but try to ascribe that to only one half of my genetics.

So, yeah, there is slack on both sides from time to time, but over all, I feel more accepted by my African-American side and culture.
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biracialgal
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[*] posted on 4.14.2009 at 11:37 AM


Today is busy with tax deadlines and trying to get everything done. I am also feeling a bit weird because my Easter was good, but there was drama with my bf, and drama around getting the right directions to a friends house.

So, aside from the goodness of my bf going to church with me (which I am very happy that he did), and the yummy dinner, it was kind of too emotional.

My bf and I have a good relationship, and there is a lot of things we need to work on. I think our roles in the relationship got a bit out of whack and we have to try and get back to how it was when we started dating, ya know? I love him with all of my heart, and I feel he loves me too, and I realize that I want him to be 100% sure that I am the right girl for him. He lives in a different city and has been spending a lot of time at my place. He stated that he wants to spend more time at his place as it cuts down on him spending more money in the city and then, when he does come over, he ends up staying up super late at night, etc. So, he wants to spend more time at his place, and well, I have to respect that because yeah, it doesn't make sense to be paying for rent if you aren't there more than half the time, ya know?

I also think he is working on saving money and he ends up spending more money when he comes over here (not necessarily on me, but you get the drift).

I love him and he loves me and he has made it clear that he doesn't want "space" or any time outs or anything like that. I think it is just that when he comes to my place, I am very loving and kind and do the whole "warm meal" and love and all of that.

On top of that, I am just stressed in general and a bit emotionally worn out.....but, once the tax deadline is done and my taxes are paid, then I will feel better. :)
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