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Author: Subject: A turkish jesuit named Hasan
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[*] posted on 10.28.2005 at 03:06 AM



okay so the above prose did not turn out the way I wanted to. the idea was not the content but the style i had the curve prose thingy going and the damn thing went straight. i really just made up a bunch of words that might sound like something good. but I was reallllllllllllllly going for the style. well i know I won't do it again.

today was the last if monday he leaves.

i tried to keep my mind off of him again. i treked with my roomie's boyfriend, cash checks, court, drug mart. and that was just in time for work. and I trained someone to take my position today. then I went to meijers. all day my mind was kept busy. but I somehow ended up focusing on my ex because being a bitch is what she thinks I was made of.

However, by the end of the short night I have retreated as always back here in my lonesome, Now vacant room sitting by the computer listening to The Ghost song by the doors: "Choose the day Choose the sign of your day; the day's divinity."
And just listening to the doors. watching microscopic bug rush to the only light source from the puter and smash them with my thumb. The low hum of the fan calms me. the cold blanketed window protects me.

the comforter only slightly ruffled by a single person in a twin bed. pop cans, beer bottles, dirty and clean clothes, scattered shoes and boots of various sized. plates of old food:pizza, noodles, some concotions of random spices. And all i can think of is him. while jim morrison yells at me in a drunken fog spirts and sweat and coke to "break on through to the other side, still I can only think of him.

And while thinking of him I'm sad. depressed and unusually suicidal. I'm sick. I spent most of the year trying to ignore my lust. and now that we've grown closer its had to let go. I was so overly excited tonight I just knew that because this is the last day he'll see me he would come over just o say goodbye if not hello. . . "good morning."

I am done I am through I have to sleep and dream of the fantasies were once real.




"You think it is easier to forget about your troubles when the trouble is destroying you"

-U2 'The Troubles'
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[*] posted on 10.29.2005 at 03:48 AM



London Electricity.

that's the dj we saw tonight I just came in good from cleveland he was was @ Mercury. He's pretty decent. but he didnt' play any house and very little drum and bass. it was okay because this is the first time I'd ever seen a real DJ.

this afternoon he came by but not before I went to his room to hug him and leave. taht was it just a hug no words no sad song no kisses just a hug because I began crying. Last night I almost felt like the only thing to do was cry and if crying was it then death wouldn't be last. He was shaving. how odd that I would choose a time that he would be shaving. I'm almost too tired to wonder if that means something.

He stopped by on his way to work I didn't want to speak to him because no matter how he says things even if he's unconcious of it he always manages to come off as a total prick. he said he'll miss EVERYone and that he's been saying goodbye to EVERYone. not me not I'm going to miss you the most. though he did say it to me one night when we were in bed together. I honestly do think I love him. and I never use that word.

I've had boyfriends and girlfriends. and family that has died. but Inever cried. infact this is the first time I've cried since I was nine. this is not in my character for me. I was truly hurt last night I clinched my pillows tight and felt the emptiness of a cup in my stomach the need to keep drinking when the glass if empty. sometimes the thirst is so great you can't put the glass down. And when you do you feel you've lost something and its [Censored] irritating. should you just fill it up again and drink it will quench the thirst. but will it fill the void? it is not the same water.

when he walked out of the door he grabbed it and I told him not to close it. He's smart and I want to think he understood what I meant. that this is not the end. WE WILL see each other again before long.

I want to decide if I should see him tomorrow spend the night???. . .

cry to the angels cry to the wolves
be humble to the spectra and the holves. the stampeding of something great. of confetti and mardi gras. the excitement of anger hormones rushing the same path as the drive for lust. . .




"You think it is easier to forget about your troubles when the trouble is destroying you"

-U2 'The Troubles'
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[*] posted on 10.30.2005 at 07:17 AM



is it really necessary to say it. I've said so many times before. lets do it for shits and giggles,huh. I Love him I love him I love him. there. do I feel better???

I came in at midnight and usually the phone line is disconnected because we are always on line. but last night I told God that friday cannot be the last time I'm going to see him. it can't happen. then at work I asked God, can I see him, if this is it then can I see him again if its not meant to be its not.

well like I said the phone line is never hooked up. Valinda could not pick me up tonight she had a date with some idioit who was not the moron she's currently [Censored]. in fact he took me home and we had an 'intervention' because I went on babbling about James and that I want to see him. like I have to see him. and then we talked about him and valind and that's just one bus I'd rather miss. Dear God they are so f ing stupid. 2 am rolled around and he called. . . I would like to continue but I have to go in at 330 today.

"I'm stumbling wounded in the dark."-BT.




"You think it is easier to forget about your troubles when the trouble is destroying you"

-U2 'The Troubles'
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[*] posted on 11.4.2005 at 07:50 PM



I sometimes wander away in my head unaware of the scandulous rumors sullied and unfiltered in content. Strange how this young man never speaks of a girlfriend or boyfriend yet he regulary, a deep state of inebriation, confesses his fornication.

he is present. Sodom and Gamorrahits sucessor is reigning here plyaig most high.I am in here a child of yours thta is a sinner by nature; influenced by the nurture of others. These Sodomites grab my senses. I fight but I do not give my blame to them. i look in reflection. it is my own weakness and insobriety that follows the hautiness of the arrogant and ignorant as well. My tongue falls like a dog in heat; a slithering snake forced to crawl on its belly. IT IS YOUR FAULT. The neverending lust fiering within me for quick simple pleasures. pleasures I've chose not to physcially indulge in. My body still reacts, you know. these lusty fleshy desires.
I lay down to you and lay down my soul to be cleansed a permenent pressing. REACH OUT AND TOUCH FAITH.

Today I felt like a psychopath: I smiled but felt nothing. Disturbed by the benality of others I wanted nothing more than to chase everyone about with a chainsaw and some pliers. And while about, indulging myself in a pleasureable fantasy of deaths. Not expressing death. true, non-forgiving death.

People who for some reason chose to be complex and work hard at it.
People who chose to be bitchy and tell everyone about it. . . then smile?
People who indeed are flippin' stupid and yet pretend to be genius.
People who talk unecessarily.
People who don't like MAD RANTING, someone once said. mad rant is not annoying. Its annoying when there are too many stupid people that you have to occassionally mad rant about
People who. . . Got damnit. just people.
I am one of those people. YOU are one of those people. as much as YOU want to deny it YOU are. YOU say stupid [Censored] too. so go rub ya nose somewheres.




"You think it is easier to forget about your troubles when the trouble is destroying you"

-U2 'The Troubles'
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[*] posted on 12.1.2005 at 01:43 PM



today is surface over depth. simplicity common sense and "like everyone else"

I thought about danielle today. a thought that still unsettles me to the point of near rampage. don't know why though and i haven't thought about james as much either. I called him the other day and he said he was "entertaining" so I quickly hung up and a rush of childish butterflies and giggly hand gestures rushed over me. and i suddenly became panic. as in the past i had never gotten attached to anyone even my own father i was so. . . indifferent, for lack of a better word. I'm panic-stricken and want to buy 5 copies of'"Less than zero' and 7 copies of 'American Psycho' and 20 copies of 'Lunar Park' that's bret's latest novel. He said it was semi-autobiographical. I layed down and prayed for a hypnocognic sleep (i'm sure i spelled that wrong) or even a spell of somnambulating would suffice. instead i didn't go to sleep iwanted to take a halcium but i ran out. not a druggie. . . I just needed my mind at peace. 20 minutes later marcus comes over bloodshot eyes and all holding a cannister with flowers on it and says "So i got paid from my other job today and I need some for the week. i know you were out last time so now you have to make it up to me." I said okay and he came in and we lit up talking about. politics and the current Cedar Fair situation. my panic from then on had washed over me in an "awesome wave". i had never been interested into finance before 3 years ago working at cp but now; budget cuts, lay offs, and now internationals are working at cp. A brazilian just moved into my apartment. she lives next to me.
anyhoo i may contine this journal tonight right now I must get my check i have bills to pay. i think i may go to tower city. i think its in cleveland not sure but sandusky's mall is crap.




"You think it is easier to forget about your troubles when the trouble is destroying you"

-U2 'The Troubles'
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[*] posted on 12.1.2005 at 04:48 PM



i didn't get to accomplish what i hoped. i still didn't get my credit card or my bro's birthday card but i did stop and get some lithium. i hadn't really taken any in a while. but i talked to my doc for a sec because I felt myself walking in the street unconsciously while cars were veering fast and honking their horns angirly. He asked me how i felt and i said okay. he asked me why I came in today .I told him the truth. I went out to take care of some serious business but i walked in the street. and stood there for a while. he asked or rather he stated trying to kill yourself. I resounded goodness no. because i wasn't . i'm done with that in-love-with-death [Censored]. that was like years ago when i was alot younger. he said he knows. he said compulsion. I said what does that mean and he looked at me. I said i was just kidding. we talked for a while and i fell asleep in his office he woke me up and gave me this prescription. so now i'm doing lithium again. which means no halcium. that kind of sucks. i think after this though i'm gonna take it easy for a few months. drugs are make me write some good [Censored] but its all an illusion. ya know. something i've never thought to write or had the confidence to write is now resting on a writing website for others to ridicule. the price of fame i guess.

oh yeah i don't think i mentioned my roomie moved out a while aga so i have this tiny room to myself. which is good. it's cleaner and it smells better. i feel more organized.

i resolved to call james again. i sound obsessive i know but i'm really not this sad. i'm just going through the throes of being an obsessed manaical writer. starving and mad because of it. I was going to call him and tell him i'll fly to ny. wonder what he'll say probably cough and say uh well you see the problem. . . blah blah blah.

all of this sounds like i'm so depressed fat girl (if i offended someone, sorry lose weight because i don't like fat people.) but i'm really not sad. it is this weather ya know. i have a canle sitting in front of a snowy window. the curtains partically open to reveal a scenic picture of beauty. the backdrop is the abandoned brick building. it's nostalgia of a time when i was in elementary school and i first realized i wasn't there. i remember the blank expression on my face when i saw everyone playing on the grits and clay. their was emptyness. but not like something was ever there to begin with. just void. i didn't feel the boys chasing the girls. i didn't feel the crushes of boys and girls. the confusing erogenous feeling you get when a boy or girl touches you. . . funny. it happened yes but i felt nothing. i remembered when i literally saw myself leaning on the fence my jacket got caught in the wiring and i yanked it furiously but when i saw my body i was paused like i slipped out of consciousness. i looked and was almost translucent. i don't think anyone saw that.

i remember this from an abandoned brickbuilding. outside my window.




"You think it is easier to forget about your troubles when the trouble is destroying you"

-U2 'The Troubles'
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[*] posted on 12.1.2005 at 10:32 PM



here's and excerpt from my latest short story. if figure if i get patient enough i will turn this into a novel or something. this is part two but in a random order. catch my drift.
anyway its called 'More kids (group therapy session 1) enjoy.

On the walls are child drawings of families and little notes next to them saying familial things.
Preservation of life and “surviving the game” are common theme. On one wall is an acronymn of the word success and the title is “Seven Steps to Success Beginning with Success.” I looked around the room searching for Horus eyes to catch mine but they never did. In fact he kept his head down sloutching in thought.
In my mind there are things that remain unsettled and there are things depressed by the syringes of random medicines. Thoughts that I try to get to but are sheilded as if to say maybe next time. Maybe at a time when I’m not so doped up perhaps. I don’t know but I’m panic-stricken now because there are bouts of loud noises in the next room because we are next to one of the “quite” rooms that are not so quite. I think Tamika is in there now. Yesterday it was this new kid Martynas. He came with his [Censored] friend Dariusz.
There is an lustful rage in me to tear apart Horus body parts in individual groups and molest each part of them. Sodomizing his mouth with his penis and finger his rectum with my fingers. I can’t shake this urge and I ask to excuse myself.
Dr. VOnKluge start to say something but retreats and lets me go.
My intial intent was to go to my room to fall asleep but I remember Tamika and I go next door. There’s a nurse still in there and it looks like she’s giving her something in a syringe. Though Tamika is still fighting, the meds they gave her are starting to have an effect on her. Her arms a slumped and her body is haunhed so much that her head is almost touching her knees. The nurse gets up ready to go to the door and I move away.




"You think it is easier to forget about your troubles when the trouble is destroying you"

-U2 'The Troubles'
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[*] posted on 12.2.2005 at 07:01 PM



today three more brazilians moved in i think they are gay one works in the water park he's a life guard and the other two work in house keeping with me. I must admit i'm the international hag. they are smarter and they are very clever. last season I had learned polish just by being drunk all the time. and not just a few words like i was learning conversations. i hope to do that with the brazilians. i think they speak portugese. just a minute ago i took my roommate downstairs. she was the first brazilian to move in and was kind of lonely ya know. so i introduced her to them and they are downstairs talking in their langauge. yesterday she told me that before sept. 11 she could go down the street to get her visa and it would take no time. Now she waits 7 hours to get her visa. that's just how long the line is. and get this, the day she got hers was on a slow day because it was set aside for students. just think if it was a regular day people would waiting twice as much. She's 20 years old and is in her fourth year of college to be a veterenarian.

i like their greetings. when she came to the door they all greeted with kisses on the both cheeks. I've seen it before but only on tv. As simple as it were, and this may sound dumb, it was a quaint culture shock. As much as i love our democracy, our amendments, and constitution(s). i would love it so much more if we had this and a cultural appreciation to each other. that sounded so gay. I realize that our cultures and subculture(s) are our tv's our fast food or fast paced laziness, but just to stop and look around a bit and see life in a philosophical and more catechistic wave would bring like individual peace; 'one with self' type thing. And thus creating a flow of peaceful energy throughout the country. there is a word for this but i cannot begin to spell it and if i try i'd only embarass myself. ya know. if someone were to read this i would like to know the correct spelling if yo u could actually make since of my monk rant. but there is an 'other hand' to this. the americanized flow of energy but i won't spoil my experience with more . . .'fast-paced laziness'.




"You think it is easier to forget about your troubles when the trouble is destroying you"

-U2 'The Troubles'
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[*] posted on 12.4.2005 at 10:32 PM



I slept most of the day and i think i can honestly say i've rested. i awoke eventually at 7 and realizing how bad i smelled i took a shower. i don't think anyone could smell me though a couple of people came over to use the puter and actually commented on how nice it smelled. nothing new really. this evening a gay brazilian and his straight brazilian friend came over. they were so nice and greeted me with kisses like they do in brazil. i was excited, as mundane as it were. some lesbians came up stairs and were playing football in the hallways with the guys next door not too long ago. our door was open and the other roommates joined in. i took quick glances at the neighbors door and i saw john, that's who i wanted to see. i then quickly retreated back inside the room and sat on the chair pretending to watch an adam sandler movie. the brazilian girl barbara remained on the couch assudious on the tv. out of concious i turned around and i saw john turn his head quick. i can tellhe was looking at me but i think he was really looking at the tv. i won't tell him that i like him because i'm still hung up on James but i do make it obvious that i'm interested. when his roommate comes over, the one i smoke with, i always ask and giggle childishly "so what's john up to" he says nothing and proceeds to say that he's disgusting. i sometimes think johns tells him to say that so i won't be so attracted to him. I can catch a hint.

they all left and played down staris wtiht he lesbians. Peace and quiet. 20 minutes later the came to our room. which is only sordid for John he never stops over. but the brazilian is here and i think hes instantly interested. she is cute. she's 20. i didn't feel uncomfortable because i had already went to my room so i didn't feel i had to leave the living room but i left my door cracked and heard them talking. he certainly was hitting on her.

I'm still hung up on James.

now i'm here in my room. I do kind of miss valinda i felt like i could hang out with her and feel comfortable and i didn't mind sitting in the living room to watch tv and not feel the urge to say something. she found me interesting and i felt the same way about her. we were samuri. she felt the same indifference to people as i do. kind like me and my best friend noticing the stupidity in people before the good in them.

they want the american dream which laymen have limted to whatever they have defined as the american dream. they want the parties the drunkeness the american men. . . and women i guess. they want all the sodomy and stupidity and they find it fascinating. i'm dissappointed. at least the polish understand the meaningless behind it all. my rant has driven me mad. I can't see the future of a underhanded fascist country seeing inside the box. everyone wants to be on the outside of it that whatever was there has been rapped, tortured and [Censored] so tortously that it is no longer the desire. I prefer to say on the inside. the four corners immure me and i can immure it with my knowledge. i willnot allow it to rape my mind and ass-[Censored] my soul with is simple-minded tactics.

there is no more and i will put an end to this now.




"You think it is easier to forget about your troubles when the trouble is destroying you"

-U2 'The Troubles'
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[*] posted on 12.10.2005 at 01:16 AM



i'm losing it. my mind has carpeled into some unidentified mush and i can't help but wondering if just before i leave here i'll enraged to do something stupid. this sounds very juvenille i know but i'm not the type to get frustrated easily. so another [Censored] brazilian moved in and i'm pissed. i didin't talk to her and i still don't know what her face looks like. I refuse tolook at her. she's a bossy little bitch. the other brazilian barbara pissed me off this evening. she used my puter for 4 hours and then used the phone for another two. I have to work at 9 in the morning and this is the i'm using the internet fo rthe first time. i"m pissed and i started crying because i realize i have to leave sooner than i thougt. i simply cannot devulge in this any longer. portugese speaking biatches and there brazilian friends and their american hags that cling to their every portugese word. right now i'm on the net looking for a roommate in ny so i can move quickly and then when i get there i can find my own place. i just need to get out of here. im' feeling like the ghost of a total and complete stranger. "this is not an exit"



"You think it is easier to forget about your troubles when the trouble is destroying you"

-U2 'The Troubles'
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[*] posted on 12.10.2005 at 10:13 AM



this morning i woke up at 715 to the sound of Rock the Casbah. I fell back to sleep assuming the brazilians would be in the bathroom. they usually work morning shifts because they have to get their forty hours a week and the morning is the longest. So i slept for fourteen minutes and woke my self up at 7 29. I wiped the crust out of my eyes and went to the refrigerator to get my ice pack i usually put on in the morning because my face felt a little puffy. I ate my cinamon toast crunch while the puffiness subsided. I then took it off and reached for my black Carolina herra towel that cost only ten dollars at tj maxx. i grabbed my acne free and my apricot face scub and proceeded to the shower where I washed vigorously for 20 minutes with my new tone body wash with cocoa butter and anti oxidants. after I have completely washed i brush my teeth with sensodyne extra whitening. I feel like i've brushed to hard so i stop just before 3 minutes and 39 seconds. I then wash my face with the Acne Free purifying cleanser followed by the invigorating apricot scrub that gently exfoilates my skin to radiance. I use this because the acne free dulls my skin while killing acne causing bacteria. after this i step out of the shower sure that a brazilian has made her escapade to my room on my computer. i know that she won't be able to get online because i've unplugged it and I know she doesn't have the common sense to realize it is not broken. i dry fast and walk to my room. My clandestine suspicsion glazes over me. there is no one in my room execpt for me.

after i have dried i spray Victoria Secret's Love Spell body mist followed by Victoria Secret's Love Spell Body creme. I put on my uniform and go back to the bathroom and with a white Johnson and Johnson 100% cotton ball and dap 7 drops of Acne free renewing toner. I let it dry and turn on the computer. at this time it is 8 03. When it has dried I squirt a generous amount of Acne Free Repair lotion in my hand and masage it into my face. I feel the revelation of something new today. Not like the unrelenting depression i felt last night. I see the cold moving day melting into the peaceful night and i feel I will accomplish my enraged desires to fill the ignorant with knowing and kindness. I will fill their eyes with blood and they will be rebirth.

after this i go back to my room. my computer has froze up so i unplug it. i look at the time and realize that it's time for me to leave anywhy so. i grab my Yale letterman's jacket that i bought when i thought was going to yale and i walked out of the door. i realized i left my eyeglasses but decided against going back to get it. i proceeded downstairs and out of the complex door. I felt the silence of today it was not cold but there was snow on the ground. I didn't mind walking but I saw a brazilan walking at 8 30 in the morning back into housing. I followed him up the stairs. I don't believe he knew that i was following him until i bumped into him as he unlocked his door. He said hi Gert--- but i didn't not let him finish.

I went back to my room and sat on the floor cross-legged. I felt a still heartbeat. there was no sound. i could hear except my thoughts rampaging maniacally. My fingers are still covered in blood as I type this message to you.




Okay so before everyone starts to freak out this is only part true. I've never killed anyone in my life. but i did walk outside and came back in to call off. I just wasn't feeling it today.




"You think it is easier to forget about your troubles when the trouble is destroying you"

-U2 'The Troubles'
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[*] posted on 12.12.2005 at 04:25 PM



so the past two days i've been kind of horny. Porno isnt' doing the trick. there is this guy who comes over like all the time and i think he wants to [Censored] me but I'm sooooooo serious that he's scared. today when he comes over i'm thinking he'll accidently-on purpose trip and his dick will slip. then there is this girl she came over about two hours ago. Fairly ugly girl crazy overbite but her body was hot and i think she wanted to [Censored] me to. but i told her once that i wasn't into chicks anymore and now she just gives me this lustful glare.

i'm off until sunday and bored i called the sandusky register, that's the local paper and asked for a job. that was yesterday and the lady told me to call back today. i havent' done that yet. right now i'm doing reasearch on the death penalty and prostitution overseas. I have this desire to go underground and start a publick forum and place it in mass annoymous production. I think i will accomplish something by doing this. the current state of affairs has driven me into a rage in my head that can only be countered by the powers that be. the high class upper buttcrack society that pleasures on preying on the weak because they know we count on them.

other tHAN THAT EVERYTHING IS JUST CAKES, CRUMPETS, AND TEA




"You think it is easier to forget about your troubles when the trouble is destroying you"

-U2 'The Troubles'
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[*] posted on 12.15.2005 at 01:47 AM



yesterday this gay guy came over because he wanted me to burn a cd for him. I said okay. he looked on the couch and saw that i had 'The Serial Killer Files' next to me on the couch. he made jokes but rather seriously asked if i had planned on killing anyone. I reluctantly said no only to deter him from any further premptive notion that i may have killed someone or thought about recently.

I haven't worked since last tuesday and i won't work until Sunday.

TOday i went to the library and got all of these great books on capital punishment: Capital Punishment by Michael Kronenwetter, Kiss of Death: Americas Love Affair with the Death Penalty by John D. Bessler, A flame in Barbed Wire: The Story of Amnesty International by Egon Larsen, America Without the Death Penalty: States Leading the Way by John F. Galliher, Larry W. Koch, David patrick Keys, and Teresa J. Guess, When the State Kills: Capital Punishment and the American Condition by Austin Sarat, Road to Hell: True Story of George Jackson, Stephen Bingham, and the San Quentin Massacre by Paule Liberatore, Capital Punishment: Current Controversities (it is slightly dated and i believe its a reference book), and The american Heritage History of the Bill of rights (the eighth amendment because it talks specifically of capital punishment) by Vincent Buranelli and introduction by former Chief Justice Of the United States(1969-1986) Warren E. Burger. They are all due back on the fourth of next month. I'm looking foward to read most of these the one i'm currently reading is pretty boring though. but there are some little quick facts that although aren't quite useful are very entertaining. I must say however, nothing is entertaing about state sanctioned death. but that's life right.
when I went to check the books out i was totally bumbed out and looked either like a uber dyke because i lost 5 of the 6 earrings in my ear but i left one in. my hair was braided (i just took them down tonight) and i had on a grey and black hat exposing the front of my hair. i had on long legged jeans tims and a long trench coat. I walked up to the woman and nearly scared her. she tried not to show her. . . concern as she scanned and dated each book but i could not help but to laugh at her failed attempt to be objective. Sad I thought how society, as it has been, has come to the throes of being intimidated by a girl dressed down. lol. Now the procedure after checking out the books usually is to give a bag with so many books but she was so frightened that she just kept switching her gaze from the books to my face. Could it be that maybe she thought because i'm black i can't read? Or is it my youthful face that says mockingly"real education . . . ha"?
or was that i am black and i just so happen to be checking out books that are the basis of minority imprisonment and the prevelance of death row?
I took my books and as i walked towards the door I could hear her talking to the other librarians and I could almost feel the FBI flying over head and I could almost hear the click of magazines and the shuffle of boots surrounding the library. I only imagined how could they find me so fast. As today didn't they pass another Patroit act or something and did it police or allow the FBI to get library checkout records. I don't believe the latter is true only becuse i just saw it on Paula Zahn a few hours ago.

oh oh oh oh great news James called me. eeeeeeked with excitement i am i can't stop smiling. the government can take me now but i would be smiling because james was thinking about me. though i don't think he was personally thinking of me. someone may have reminded him to call me or asked how i was doing. lol. even still this is only an assumption i don't read minds. i like to rest ignorantly thinking that he is still thinking of me.

one of my closest friends isn't talking to me and specifically said she's probably talk to me thursday technically that's today. Itold her my plans to sell everything and give away most of my clothes so i can have some quick cash to be in NY by the end of January. she wasn't to thrilled about that. i told her when she gets there in august to seek me out and we'll find a place together. or it may be best to look just before she leaves and then we can look together. . . that's what i meant.

my best friend called me at 3 30 this morning. not that it's unusual but i hadn't really talk to him in a bit. when i answered the phone i yelled jokingly that he must live in cali in pt time or in brazil where is like high noon or something. we laughed and as always ended up talking for three hours. I did not sleep until something like 7 30.




"You think it is easier to forget about your troubles when the trouble is destroying you"

-U2 'The Troubles'
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NY_writer
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[*] posted on 12.16.2005 at 03:38 PM



i'm wondering about that kid he called me again at 4 this morning. he never does this twice in a row. but i had actually just came back form the bar now a mec of a brazilian migration. I did feel the minority but i did feel the sense of being in a minstrel show in blackface. I felt that because me and my friend are dancers we were like the black celebrirties with nothing to go for except dancing. a random brazilian came up to us and said "picture, picture." i told her to [Censored] off. she says oh i want to show the dancing and something else about black people. I said I know and i don't want to take a picture so leave me alone please. I was very polite. she says okay its' no problem its okay you don't take picture just for friends. I told her okay i'm not your firend and i'm not you little darky. granted idon't think she meant for any of that. but i still have this blind hatred towards any race that finds black people are only good for the stereotypes. I am racists that was never a question for me. and if anyone were toasked i say the same yes i am and so are you. well no i'm not. yes you are. you are because you asked me if i were. and because of that you now have this prejudice attitude that all black people are blatant racists. and if it were a black person engaging in this conversation id simply say they are ignorant. I'm a radical liberlist i fell that black people are conformists and rather than do something and progess to a new level of BPPSD and Angela Davis's and Bobby Seales and Huey Newton's we prefer to continue our education in these conformists institutions. I had a professor an african american studies professor and he always talked with his head down and radicalized everything in a quiet montone that to me flourished his indifference to a youth that only wants to pass a class instead of beating the [Censored] out of supremists. Now this praticular lecture and all but one black students. but in his poerty classes he was clearly in opposition of the white man. I had a best friend in his class and she'd come home nearly crying. . . lol. i thought maybe that was a little out of hand for him to make someone cry but its his course and until someone complains he will continue to be an exetremist. I believein self education. the disciplinte to go t o a library and gather the proper information to fill the minds of the ignornat and create a progressive level of intellect. I believe in focus of study. and creation of a militant community towards self preservation and smashing communtiy and state standards to be the minority.
i believe that this creation of the mind will scare and intimidate those on their staffs made of fools gold and jewels and eventually will fall to the majority and accepte the majority as the menshiviks




"You think it is easier to forget about your troubles when the trouble is destroying you"

-U2 'The Troubles'
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NY_writer
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[*] posted on 12.17.2005 at 09:25 PM



tonight is the christmas party at louie's a bar unoffically for Cedar Point and Castaway Bay employees. I wanted to go but there will be some people i won't be too thrilled to see and maybe some i should see. this guy who is actually surprisingly smart asked me to go and i said no. earlier today he tried to analyze me. he asked me some questions and said that enought i got you down to a tee. I said well honey you didn't have to ask me some random cipher like questions. you could've just asked me. I have not secrets i resent those who for some reason want to be mysterious because when you really think about everyone is transparent. everyone is virtually the same the same emotions the same overreactions of mediocore situations it's really disgusting. i told him i am not that hard to figure out. when i said this i thought about the many people that have said i was complicated and weird. I"M NOT [Censored] COMPLICATED. what the [Censored] does that mean. Just because i don't have an emotional vomit every 3 days or cry endlessly one week out of the month does not make me complicated. in fact it makes me logical and not a tired old wreck. I have common sense (sometimes i can be ditsy) but i still have common sense.

but this is fine this kid is actually smart. I think he may be somewhat intimidated by me because of my radical extremists stance but that's just what i do. he came into my room and asked me why am i so into all this stuff, this was upon his gaze of all the capital punishment books, and i told him no matter how you look at this plight it is still killing someone. and it has to stop. this is barbaric i was thinking earlier today that today we look in our psychology books and read about the horrors that were inflicted upon the mentally ill by the so-called sane socio elites. and some of the commoners who could afford to see the minstrels of the mentally incapacitated. How disgusted we get when we hear of this. and then slavery and the holocaust and the not so talked about slaughter of the indians. We turn our cheeks in horror and wonder how could this have been acceptable in society to even denounce that someone is even human and call them 3/5's or to have the right and the power to simply not feed a group of people to be slaughter later on. or tread on someone else's domain their homeland and enslave them and kill them and then call the land yours. we find this just too fantastic to believe. I mean to deny someone their basic human rights. another human just can't do that.

Then i looked ahead maybe a hundred years and saw my great great great and so on granddaughter reading a text book and crying and wincing in disgust at how did this world this society found it LEGAL and JUSTIFIABLE to end someone else's life how could they sit and watch someone hang until their death and only God knows when they exactly died. how could they watch smoke belch into the air from a human the smell alone could chase a skunk out of the room and then take off the mask to reveal his face beyond recognition. How you stick a needle insomeones' arm and watch them twitch to their death some may just sleep others may twitch THEN die.

i was sadden by these thoughts but they gave me hope that if she is reading about this now in its' past tense than maybe this [Censored] will be put to rest.




"You think it is easier to forget about your troubles when the trouble is destroying you"

-U2 'The Troubles'
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