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Author: Subject: A turkish jesuit named Hasan
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[*] posted on 3.30.2005 at 06:16 PM
A turkish jesuit named Hasan


today was its as it was yesterday. this'll be short. trust me. I scraped labels off of the garbage cans with angela who was taking her sweet time. I did 3 in one hour while she was working on her first for 2 hours.
jody and courtney were putting the labels the cans we just scrapped. Josh and Crickets crew were sweeping the lagoons. yesterday I was drunk and Crickett threatened to put me on the lagoons if I was going to cut him with a bobby pin. I told him I wasn't scared and her I am not sweeping the lagoons.
I want so desperately to see the new ride but i've been stuck in the Point Pavillion doing cans. we still don't have any water in the park but they turned the electricity on. I saw Wicked twister go up. i love that ride but not as much as the magnum. man, I miss Sam and Jenn they were cool even though Jenn fuccked me over a couple of times she was still a good manager. Sam was awesome I loved his facial expressions when he would realized just how stupid the people he works with are. Cathy has his job now. She didn't even work when she was the head of area one now she's Department Sup.! I am DOOMED




"You think it is easier to forget about your troubles when the trouble is destroying you"

-U2 'The Troubles'
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[*] posted on 10.17.2005 at 11:05 AM



it's been while I know. I've been slowly catching my death. Mostly with nose bleeding migranes, moving, demotion, changing jobs. this life I have i wonder if this the breakdown of. Is this the dark point of breaking? I have been depressed lately. still stuck in a passing town I shudder to think is this where it ends? Is this where my future lies; my calling.

yesterday was so dark for me. the sun was out and people were walking. it was cold and the leaves were dancing their last dances before they fall.

I got this new puter so I can start typing again the stories I write but it feels harder. Maybe I am no writer. I'm just like the lot of A general public who writes stories only their peanut brains could love.

a guy I've known for a while and worked with opened up to me yesterday. I was helping make beds and he asked me about my writing. and he began telling me he was a writer and he writes about the past which was extremely dark. I almost cried. though he doesn't know that. later that evening I talked to a complete stanger who wanted to write and model as well.

what does this mean?

God entertains angels as strangers perhaps? I may have gotten that wrong.

uh, lets see whats my mood. . . oh yes, There's Beauty in the Breakdown.




"You think it is easier to forget about your troubles when the trouble is destroying you"

-U2 'The Troubles'
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[*] posted on 10.17.2005 at 01:12 PM



a old story written from depression and loneliness:

An ill-knotted pain gripped my stomach as I sat in the cheap mahoghany chair in our spacious kitchen an omnious gloom hallowed over the sullied dished and the overflowing trashcan and the unfiltered fish tanks. Outside it was dark; a common daytime theme had remained redundant as often as the blistering winter at a climax this feburary. It snowed only lightly. So light that it could only be seen by the help of the street lights. and the sprinkles would glow in thier passin. cars veered past wrecklessly and quickly like the sharp pains at no stand still and worsening with each passing car that sliced the drizzlies like warm butter.
]The window was broken and could only almost close. It would trick you as it slid smoothly across the metal track and would abrubtly stop just less than an inch.
Right now the wind and could and dampness screamed and whistle and humed a flat tune of a rich soft melody playing a duet by piccolo and baritone. Oh! How would this pain continue. Lonesome as I. I have no one to entertain no one to relinquish with they've all left with spirits and sodomy. . .




"You think it is easier to forget about your troubles when the trouble is destroying you"

-U2 'The Troubles'
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[*] posted on 10.18.2005 at 03:50 AM



so it was monday wich is x nith and i went. all cp employees get in for free. well I thinkk I may ha e drowned my sorrows too far in some amaoratto some thing and what a the bartender called pink sky. man that was not right . there was something wrong witn that drink. I aiont never been thiks drunk. I can't even see staright. i' feel like tthe ghost of a complete stranger but one that k,ows me.



"You think it is easier to forget about your troubles when the trouble is destroying you"

-U2 'The Troubles'
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[*] posted on 10.18.2005 at 07:48 PM



today I could sleep for days and rest none. slept because I had to but could not relax. I moved because I had to go but could only stand still. I breathed only to feel cold and see the mist of that total and complete stranger.

a friend called me today and wanted me to hang out with her. she bought me lunch and we talked about her pregnancy. she's still fighting the demons that wish to have nothing to do with her. and the one demon that goes out in the middle of the night. I did not know a pregnant woman could not sleep on her back. I guess it makes sense though.

I walked back dreading to clean my body and my room. too depressing some may say but I did it anyway and fell asleep to the virgin suicides dreaming of highways.




"You think it is easier to forget about your troubles when the trouble is destroying you"

-U2 'The Troubles'
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[*] posted on 10.19.2005 at 04:36 AM



it's 5 something in the morning and I feel different. when I turned 21 I felt the same when I was 20 and when I was 20 I thought my life was over. I was not 20-teen. just two zero. I figured Ican't handle life now I'm supposed to put down my childish ways ". . . spake like a child . . . became a man and put away childish things."

I'm 22 and I still don't think I quite understand that. I'm more mature than most I know but I don't seem to understand the simple things or at least they are simple to the layman.

I used to fantize about lusting with guys I had crushes on but tonight changed that. a guy the complete antithesis of what I stand for. He's semi- racists, anti-semitic, and that c word that decribes belittlement of women. and could you believe I can almost call him one of my best friends.
tonight he came over and we talked. he talked I listen and I think he wanted to tell me something but held back instead he said that the dreamt he had sex with black woman that was me. I laughed hysterically because that's all I can ever do when I'm told these things. "YOU fantize about me. no. you're crazy." my thoughts.

I've liked him for a while before this and I laid down and thought what it would be like if I actually fell in love with him. if I could look next to me and see a man who can almost safely call himself a racist and then say "I love you."

YOU don't know him and YOU don't understand this. its much more simpler than it seems. or maybe more complicated. hell [Censored] if I know.

I can see the waves following the water and the fishes being pulled by the forces. no light. gauzy and dirty. being pushed away from the shore that no one wants. The sun disappears but you can still see its rays from the horizon.
dancing distantly in the moon now is the broken fennce. its white paint chaffed and scraped opening life of death.




"You think it is easier to forget about your troubles when the trouble is destroying you"

-U2 'The Troubles'
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[*] posted on 10.21.2005 at 05:40 AM



I sat there writing or excuse me signing-this its my first book signing so I can only say what I did to get to this chair- and there she is my beautiful daughter. 17 years old. She had cut her hair really short but spunky. its 2023 I'm 40 years old.
"its a pleasure meeting you Mrs. Hughes."
"Thank you but I'm divorced."
"Sorry can you sign it to Deborah James the Writer Max."
"Sure." I can't imagine how many times today I've signed the Writer Max. It wasn't even a big part of the book. It was mentioned once and it was the writers hand that had its own concious who was Albert Fish. The book was really supposed to be about Albert Fish. But everyone suddenly identifies with 'the writer max. My daughter, her name is Beulah, comes to me and sits next to me and tells me that she wants to go to a party. "With whom" I command signing the writer max. and she says "with this guy that I really like." all I could think it what would James do. He would probably say use a rubber and try not to get pregnant and let her on her way. I find that I do that alot; think of James and wonder if he's still around. I can see him so clearly in her face. like a picture of sorts and events that tie in her face. I sometimes more than some catch myself looking at her watching her reactions and seeing his gestures to stupid people. because he was mean to stupid people. and he would walk into a room and see that he was the smartest person in the room. and then he would start the [Censored] reign. Leaving people mad with fury and hatred because he just turned whatever intense intellectual conversations they had into feeble arguments about unecessary things. Or he would do the opposite and take the smallest bit of information and turn into a simple solution.
She's so brillant just like him and she's a girl. He always wanted a girl and he wanted her to be smarter than him. . .




"You think it is easier to forget about your troubles when the trouble is destroying you"

-U2 'The Troubles'
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[*] posted on 10.21.2005 at 03:37 PM



today is not what it was this morning. because this morning was still last night and now I've rested this is a new day. its almost too hard to remain optimistic; i say that like its easy for everyone else knowing its not.
the light at the end of the tunnel as they say is beginning to fade and I'm pulling back farther and farther. Farther away from my beliefs. I feel I'm beginning to lose faith. hope is only some abstract jargon to keep us from luck.
I'm listening to air right now. a very depressing song that came from a movie about suicide. Am I thinking of it now. well I can't say that I havent' before or even tried it, hell even been put away for it. but now I just don't know what's next
I went drinking again last night. that makes twice this week. and I told myself I was done and I know I'm not addicted but being done means I have to get on with my life.
Last nite my roommate had sex thrice with the same guy. A guy that I met while walking home from work late late at night. I didn't really talk to him in fact I was a bit distrubed that he was white and all I could see that he was some inner city kid with over sized brown sweats and tall tees limping just to keep his pants form falling. He would break off the ends of all his words and miss a few important parts of speech. then he would overuse the word [Censored] more than any rap music video I'd ever seen.
He is white and he does act this way.
i call guys like that
:spam:
i constantly let the guy know I wasn't interested in him. I may have actually been a little more blunt than usual. he seemed very surprised by alot of my reactions. He has horrible teeth so can you imagine my reactions. ha.
me and my roomie went out to the gay bar last night and drank ourselves stupid and went to his place. she want them to come over even still that a girl she liked alot was coming over but didn't. He brought his friend I guess under the impression that we were all going to have a humble party of sex drugs and need I say rap music? we watched porns to movies about anti-semitism to bad horror movies. I wanted them both to leave so I can sober up. today I had planned on tieing myself to the chair until I wrote something worth starving for.
No they continued to say and egged them on. finally she and the boy left and they were getting it on while his lard ass friend sat on the couch. I told him to get out and he proceeded to assume that I was playing hard to get. Noooooooo. I mean get the [Censored] out. "I've beat up guys bigger than you and with more respect." I repeated over and over again. I thought to myself. He left and slammed the door. and I crashed on the couch.
I was moved my roomie wanted more room and pulled out the couch and I retreated to my room and becoming suddenly inspired I give you what is written above.

I woke up only an hour two ago to realize I'm sad and truly depressed. I stopped taking lithium because I thougt it was too much for simple major depression (excuse the oxymoron). and here I am now in a state of panic of life. Panic State.

Narrow roads. straight lines. purple clouds. perfect yellow lines and green trees that say green all year round.




"You think it is easier to forget about your troubles when the trouble is destroying you"

-U2 'The Troubles'
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[*] posted on 10.22.2005 at 11:48 AM



last nite it was again almost as it was the other day but not quite. this time I was in the bed room alone eating like some fat lonesome girl while they were in there. I realized that I'm stuck on myself. I'm stuck on my loneliness and loathesome perpetual sadness. this is truly a disgusting feeling. one that I had prayed for to go away.

a week or two ago while driving somewhere's in the bumpstank of night I looked at this guy walking across the street. I guess I kind of knew him. everytime I saw him I felt that he was sad. it was almost like a telekinesis effect. I wanted to cry so hard. but it wasn't my sadness I felt it was his. the darkness had surrounded him and from then on. that's all I can see around him. his face once a dark smooth chocolate is now a mangled mess of hatred and sadness. when he walks passed me I can't even look in his face I want to cry so.
but it made me wonder. I used to be like that. anyone who had bothered to pay attention could've seen that I was one my way to the big house ya know: toe taggin i teen town tonight. that sort of thing. but i want that again. I want for death to be something to look foward to I want for my grandmother to be stronger. I want my mother to be healthy I want her to mind to be of sound state. I want my brothers to be happy but I don't want to be happy. I can't be happy I am incapable of happiness. when I look at myself I see the impossible when I look at what I write I want to denounce God and then commence with myself.




"You think it is easier to forget about your troubles when the trouble is destroying you"

-U2 'The Troubles'
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[*] posted on 10.23.2005 at 02:08 AM



in the dead of night a man came calling calling my name and told me to come to him. I turned and walked away. the next nite a man came calling callin my name and told me to sit next to him I turned and walked away. in the dead of night of nite a man came calling calling my name and said pray with me and I turned and walked away.

the show has begun again. I think this makes the third nite in a row but now its about the fighting. she lied to him. he disrespected her and just a moment now they will be [Censored]. hard. and just a moment ago they were going to call it quits.

so in the midst of all of this I think I have decided that if James ask me I will. I will give up my 22 year reign as the "masked [Censored]" the little kitty will have lost her toys another life lost to leave eight. Someone that intelligent should be given the first of a girls 'pot luck 'charm' ' do you get the charm? anyway I've decided that james likes exotic eccentric women who can challenge him and does not agree with everything he says because he's smart. He's challenged me a couple of times but i'm afraid I've failed because I was tired. He caught at my weakest hour.

i want to try again. he leaves this coming friday back to ny and I want to actually make love to him. I want to be attached to him even though we will both agree that this is a one time thing. I dreamed of having his kid and never telling him until I was forty and by accident he bumped into some kid who looks just like him.

dark and dainty little girls swimming with fresh eggs. valves working properly brand new only about 10 years old from the shop. Grown men's eyes pop another tool for the shed and we'll take pictures this time for insurance.




"You think it is easier to forget about your troubles when the trouble is destroying you"

-U2 'The Troubles'
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[*] posted on 10.24.2005 at 12:22 AM



no long story today just work as always 3 30 to midnight. today as everyday I realized how much I really dislike my job and the people around. the manager on duty for tonight apparently let her son drive her car and he totaled it. how stupid can you be. they say her fiance is going to be livid.

I saw no one I desired more to see than to see no one at all.

i texted my ex girlfriend to tell her I couldn't find her antenna to her phone and she dismissed but said she would like to see me before she leaves tomorrow. sorry no can do. game over. I honestly don't know why I dated her. I guess I'm kind of glad I did seeing as now I no longer have a desire to date women any more.

Commencement will begin soon. all of the graduates will line up last names first, in alphabetical order, ranking in class, and who's furthering their education or will be a ball licker to the middle lower working class. Stand upright.
"Jason Hucklby, class of 1999, member of the marching band and is on his way to Eastern Michigan University."
"Jason."
"Yes."
"Are you prepared for stoning."
"Yes."
"Crowd." crowd gasps preparing ears for the color stone.
"Please engage a purple stone."
"Ready. Commence stoning."




"You think it is easier to forget about your troubles when the trouble is destroying you"

-U2 'The Troubles'
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[*] posted on 10.24.2005 at 10:50 AM



let us not pretend to know someone when we know nothing and not pretend to know nothing when we maintain insight. . . then again whose to say we know ourselves.

I could not sleep again last night. I had thought about the machinist. and wondered if I had killed somone a couple of months ago-my father, ex girlfriend, exboyfriend-because i have been losing weight and not sleeping properly. this depression i think is turning into something more serious. maybe I am going crazy. I got up 22 times last night. yes I counted. I had no choice. someone or something told me to count. the first two time my phone rang. the third was my roommates dead fucck. the other 19 times were random. I went outside bare and sat on the stoop. then I went back in. I thought they were ffucking but the was just standing there. in front of my bed. I moved him and retreated. I layed their listening to his soft voice and her moaning of sleep like a little kid i had become paranoid. I layed catatonic in one position facing the wall so they wouldn't see my fright. then he moved to in front of the puter which is where I lay. and I heard scratching. I was obsessed with this scratching. like sand paper. what the [Censored] was he doing. she was on the top bunk so I know all he could be doing was sitting down playing with the sshit around the puter. i prayed in the back of my mind for sleep for closure. I have yet to sleep. I took a lithium. I guess out of spite I kept the bottle. and i slept for 2 hours. and here I am now. disassociated with myself and unable to see the day ahead. for some reason or another I can fathom me going to work today. almost as if I'm not suppose to go. a mystic driving force is tell me not to.


i've heard this quote more than once and its' not my own I used to wonder what it meant but not anymore: "As I went up the stairs and I met a man who wasn't there, he wasn't there again today. I wish I wish he would go away. "
something like that.




"You think it is easier to forget about your troubles when the trouble is destroying you"

-U2 'The Troubles'
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[*] posted on 10.25.2005 at 08:34 AM



got damnit I 'm hungry I'm hungry I'm hungry I'm hungry I'm hungry. I
'm really hungry.
I havent' slept again. since yesterday morning. Its 9 30 and here I am. this guy I really like came over last night and I was at work but my roomie and her "boyfriend" were here. He became jealous because he likes her. and when he told me this I realized that I have to get out of here. I try all the time to not like guys I know won't like me back. and this is the last straw. anger won't allow me to proceed ith this. but I gave him head thrice this morning and almost lost my virginity but of course no rubber. because I like the guy I want to do this but he likes my roommate and I just don't think I can have that in the back of my mind while fuccing his brains out. he's leaving for ny next monday. I don't know if that makes me feel better. I have nothing more to say I'm' dead tired and confused.




"You think it is easier to forget about your troubles when the trouble is destroying you"

-U2 'The Troubles'
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[*] posted on 10.26.2005 at 11:18 PM



if I look at myself I can see a blister in the crux of a diamond. i feel more alone than I ever did.

I felt that I done someting stupid and yet i think it had to be done. or maybe its not something that really has to be done. there is no golden rule about the golden arch. just remember to listen to a certain two letter word and please please be gentle. loosen up your muscles because they are your defense mechanism against pain. thats' why we are not dead yet just dying.

I can almost cry. I wanted to get it over with done out of my hair and could you believe I wanted life at the end of it. wake up feeling like last weeks garbage and an emotional vomit to your friends how you think you did something horrible and he's gone and you. . . well I won't want the hassle of going all the way to ny to let him know . "Yes you are shooting 'full metal jackets'."

if you remember the point is is that I want that I have this whole novel written about it. I even started writing it here. I guess I still could write it. nothing is really stopping me. except I guess most obvious the host, the bearer, the me.

now I guess I'm sitting in my room. maybe I'll post a pic or something but its not very big in fact it has two bunk beds and two dressers and two tables that's it and and that's all of the room. I can't even lift my head in my bunk. right now though its pretty roomy with the silence that's floating like a disease in this room.

he told me he would only stop by and say good bye but he didn't even do that. he din't say anyting except hi and he brought another friend over a mutual friend; worked in restrooms together. I was her boss until I quit. they came for 20 minutes she hugged me and said "aim me when you can and lets chat up"
and I said cheers, good night." and that was it he didn't even look at me. he's an [Censored]. my roommate bent over and he said "hey tight ass" just like that. I didn't get upset or anything me and him both had a mutual agreement that we would'nt feel, as he put it 'weird' because we are both good friends. maybe that was a mistake on my half because I've liked him all season.

if you can believe it I'm so so much attached emotionally. though he is so soft and sensual. he's so intelligent and so stupid and very . . . inhibited and sheltered. and its all very very capricarious, i think that's the word .

YOU plan your life and that's what you want if you are headstrong YOU will usually follow through but tell God that YOU have planned your life and tell him that YOU have goals and He will get a kick out of your stories.




"You think it is easier to forget about your troubles when the trouble is destroying you"

-U2 'The Troubles'
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[*] posted on 10.27.2005 at 12:12 PM



forum drains
life like clouds
that soak up the
sun. Dreaming
of highways and byways
s t r e t c h i n g the
the long
long and winding
road that paves
ways for death. Steals
little girls clothes
and leaves them
with sheer
dresses
wet and wild
ashen and broken
kissed and raped.
mangled and crying
wandering the twisted
dark road. Will
they be seen?

Slick men will
grab them, taste
them hug them.
"HA! come here
I just wanta taste
your innocence. flat
skin
drainin'
blood pushing
until it breaks
they are gentle
they will use their
fingers first
then use then penis'
my little girl you are
drained like our forums.
Like the sunset you have
have been used. a day has
ended and so have you. The
sun will rise again and with it
a new day.




"You think it is easier to forget about your troubles when the trouble is destroying you"

-U2 'The Troubles'
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