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Author: Subject: Hmmm, do you really wanna know?
caramelkisses
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[*] posted on 6.1.2007 at 10:20 PM
Hmmm, do you really wanna know?


Feeling helpless and confused

Hmmm, while at work today, I decided to browse the CL. I came across the public journal and thought to myself "they must be crazy! who in the world is going to get on a public forum and express their deep thoughts knowing that others will be able to read it?" Then I thought to myself "self, this is a great opportunity for you to express yourself without being judged and condemned". I am quite happy that I am able to do this. I think a LOT about a LOT of things. What better way to get my thoughts out?! The only down side is once I start, it's hard for me to stop. Writing/ranting is the best way for me to express myself.

Speaking of thinking a LOT, today I was at my desk at work thinking about my life and what God has brought me from. He has been ever so merciful to me and he and I both know that I do not deserve it. I love him and thank him so much!

Lately I have been thinkinng a lot about my purpose in life. What am I here for? I know that I MUST be here for a reason because God has allowed me suffer and overcome a LOT. What is it that he would have me to do? Who am I really? Me, the girl from "the hood" who had a baby out of wedlock at 18 with her first love. The one that dropped out of High School in the 11th grade thinking that the relationship would last forever and I wouldn't need to work because he would take care of me forever :yr: The girl that picked up and moved out of NYC to MD with her 1 year old daughter and $10 in quarters with no job. All of that and I still managed to remain sane? Come on! There must be something bigger than this. I mean sure, those days are over and God has allowed the sun to shine on my side of the street for the past 7 years but what else? I managed to land a prosperous career starting as a receptionist and working my way up to an asst. Project mgr. with a multi-billion dollar company, put my daughter in the best schools and activities, move out of "the hood" to the "burbs", enroll myself in school and managed to keep a 4.0 GPA while juggling Church, friends and family. But that's not enough. On judgement day when God asks me what have I done for his people, what will I say? I feel so helpless. I almost feel like I've betrayed some folks by making a better life for my daughter and myself. When I go back to visit and see the very people that I grew up with, my heart grieves. Why are they stuck in that rut? Why are they still standing on the corner, hanging out at the local bar, gossiping, having babies out of wedlock with losers, cursing, running to the store to get the latest Gucci shoes while living in run down public housing, fighting over men, having unprotected sex knowing that AIDS is the number 1 killer in the black community? They are like mice in a maze. Why are they unable to see their way out? I often pray to God and ask him to make me humble. Give me patience to try to understand them. What can I do? I am nowhere near my ultimate destination but I worked hard to get to where I am now. Because I changed, do I expect everyone else to change too? Of course I do! Why? because I'm a living witness that it can happen so since I played the Guinea pig for my friends and family, they now know that it's possible, jump on in people, the water's great! What's the hold up?! I'm frustrated! So, while I sit in an office protected under the umbrella of the yt man's Corporate America, my people kill themselves and there's nothing that I can do now. Where do I begin? I know I'm not Jessie Jackson or Al Sharpton n'em but I know that there is something that I can do. I need guidance.

Now for the not so serious stuff:
I'm really confused as to what I need to do in regards to D. This man is sooooo in love and while I am feeling him a little, I'm not head over heels like I should be. He's not what I want in a man and I have a right to be picky because I bring a lot to the table and I would never ask someone to contribute something that I can't. No, I don't claim to be perfect but I do know how to treat a man. I watched how my grandmother treated my grandfather and their marriage lasted for 51 years before he passed. With that said, D will never be my husband because I refuse to allow myself to be unhappy for the rest of my life. He's very clingy, needy and weak. Very careless with his the little bit of money that he does bring home after child support for 2 children. I don't have a problem with a man making less than me but when you're careless with the little bit that you do have, that says a lot about you. He's extremely insecure and has baby momma drama for days. His issues with the mothers of his children make me not want to give men with children a chance. I know I know, the nerve of me. I have a child so how can I say that I don't want to date men with children? EASY! My daughter's dad and I have a good relationship. Yes, he did me dirty and cheated but he takes care of his daughter, therefore, I have no problem with him. I'm not bitter towards him because I believe that everything that happened between us was in God's plan so I bowed out gracefully, put my big girl panties on and kept it moving. We have NO DRAMA whatsoever! She's 8 and we haven't been together since she was 5 weeks old. I was never the "crazy baby momma" type. I've always allowed him to pick his daughter up, take her for weekends, vacations, etc. He's married and settled and our relationship is good for our child. The wife and I are even cool and that's very rare. D on the other hand has 2 children by 2 different women. Both of these women are nuts!! Late night phone calls, "the baby is sick, she needs shoes, she wants you to come pick her up, I need to go to the club so you have to come and pick him or her up, I spent all my money on my hair and nails so you need to be the sole provider while I contribute absolutely nothing." Come on! What woman would want to put up with that? I am 26 y.o. and do not have time or patience for that. I know a lot of males that go through this exact same thing with the mom/s of their children. I would be extremely surprised if there was another co-parenting relationship like the one I have. Not to say that they don't exist. I feel like I am settling. I mean, it's been a year and our relationship has not progressed. He lives in NY and I live in MD. WHAT AM I DOING?!?!?!? Every time I feel like I want to tell him that I don't want to do this, I start to feel bad. Why am I always allowing myself to be miserable to save someone else's feelings? *sigh* Why do I put everybody else before me? My child is expected but who is he? He's somebody with not a lot of real friends, deceased parents and family members that are users. I feel like I'm the only one he has. Although I'm against being so called friends after a relationship is over, I'm willing to be his because he needs someone. I have got to leave him alone! And I will. The question is when?

I have so much more that I can say now but I'm going to leave for now. I'm tired and my daughter is gone until tomorrow. I have a strength training class at 8am tomorrow so I'm about to get some zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. I'm out.




Everything I'm not made me everything I am ~Kanye
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caramelkisses
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[*] posted on 6.1.2007 at 11:12 PM


I know this sounds really lame but he was a sweetheart. I guess I was blinded by the fact that he treated me like I wanted to be treated. A lot of men's minds are so consumed with sex and he was more concerned with my feelings. He loves me so much and I guess I never realized until now that the bad definitely outweighs the good. Not that he's bad, but his situation is. Am I wrong for not giving him a chance? How long do I wait. A 29y.o. man should have his stuff together, at least most of it. He has no control over his life. I feel bad.



Everything I'm not made me everything I am ~Kanye
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caramelkisses
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[*] posted on 6.2.2007 at 04:22 PM


Thanks Wisdom. I am going to speak with him and let him know how I feel.

Thanks again




Everything I'm not made me everything I am ~Kanye
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caramelkisses
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[*] posted on 6.8.2007 at 08:53 PM


Well it's Friday evening and I'm at Grandma's house. Although I love her dearly, she is driving me crazy! She has yet to come to grips with the fact that it's 2007 and things are not the same as they were when she was growing up. If she hasn't realized yet, when will she? Geesh Grandma, enough already. People are having children sans marriage, the divorce rate, although dropping, is still at an alarming rate, women are wearing pants and working, dads are staying home playing "house dad", abortion is the new BC, gays are marrying, get over it ! She's so overly conservative, it's ridiculous. I can't wait until it stops pouring outside so I can sprint to my car and go home.

Today on the way to her house from work, I decided to listen to some music. This is different for me cause I usually have no music on. I like to use that time to gather my thoughts, recap the day, think about what I'll do or not do later, think about the past and future,thank God for allowing me to make it and ask him to give me strength to proceed. People think I'm crazy cause I don't listen to music in my car, but whatever *shrugs*.

I popped in the first SWV CD. "Weak in the knees" played at least 5 times before I got home. I kept playing it over and over in my head thinking to myself "it must be amazing to be that deep in love." I mean really, you're so weak that you can hardly speak? Whoo, that must be some kind of love. I do believe that it exists, although I've never experienced it. So, if I've never experienced the "weak in the knees" kind of love, then what was it that I was in? There's no luke warm kind of love, you're either deeeep in love or not in love at all. hmmmm, questions, questions. The man that causes me to be so weak that I can't speak is gonna be a winner cause I ain't met him yet.

Speaking of love or lack thereof, Monday I decided to let D know how I felt. The conversation didn't go as planned and I'm rather happy that it didn't. My plan was to punk out and water down what I really wanted to say in an effort to spare his feelings; he's so sensitive. As soon as I started talking, my tongue just went crazy. It came out tactfully but I know it stung like alcohol on an open wound. He needs to know that I will not lower my standards in order to be with him. If he's content with just a little bit, we're not a good match. I have three things working against me; I'm black, I'm a woman and I'm a single mom. So, for me to lower my standards, I may as well go to NY and jump off of the tallest building. I can not and will not do it. Compromise? any day. Lower?, I think not. Carry on.

So, this work week was ok. New studies coming in left and right. Oncology is blowing up and we're developing drugs like it's candy. The funny thing is, I don't even take medicine and I assist in the development of it. How ironic? The food and Pharmaceutical industry are money making businesses. I believe with everything inside of me that there's a cure for Cancer and AIDS. C'mon, it's gotta be. If they can calculate down to the T the amount of time it will take for a spaceship to arrive back on Earth from another planet, how can there not be a cure for these things? But, if they let it the cure out of the bag, how are they going to make money? People will be well, therefore, they will not need medicine, then there will be no need to create these drugs that's just making everyone sicker than what they already are. All of these kids dying after receiving their immunization shots, etc. This is one of the reasons why I stopped participating in these walks. Walk for this, walk for that. I wish I would pay another dime to walk for a cure for something and I know they ain't trying to tell us about the cure that they already have Puhleez! It's all backed by the government too. Big Pharmas are paying the gov't to keep us sick while they collect money. I gotta get out of this business cause I feel like a contributor. Natural cures and organic is where it's at. All day long.

My daughter is doing extremely well in her swimming. She's swimming like a fish and she just learned last year. Jumping off the diving board into eight feet like it's nothing. Giving those little yt girls something to talk about. Some ignorant person had the nerve to tell me that it's a "yt person's sport." What if somebody told Venus and Serena that about tennis? C'mon, stop it. If we let them have everything that they think is only theirs, what would we have? We wouldn't be working, voting, using the same public restrooms and so on. My daughter's the only black one on the team and she's crushin' 'em. Breaking down barriers with piano and swimming. Sarah, Suzie, Becky and Beth better watch out.

Good night, I'm tired and my fingers are hurting. Cheerio




Everything I'm not made me everything I am ~Kanye
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caramelkisses
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[*] posted on 6.9.2008 at 03:10 PM


This weekend I've learned:

That how you finish it so much more important than how you start...

That hard work and perseverance will NOT be in vain, as long as you believe it...

That two parents can work together to raise a smart, beautiful, happy, healthy child- even if they don't live in the same house...

That our children (black) are not positively represented in the media....well....I didn't just learn this, but it was confirmed over and over this weekend at the awards ceremony, as I sat and watched my baby walk across that stage to receive her award- an award that seemed so far fetched in Aug. '07...

That it's OUR responsibility to encourage our children to do well in all of their endeavors, even if there seems to be no light at the end of the tunnel, to us (what do we know :dunno: )...

That the payoff is SO worth the adversities...

That motherhood is the greatest gift EVER!!




Everything I'm not made me everything I am ~Kanye
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