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| posted on 2.2.2012 at 08:51 PM
I don’t know what it is about him…I just feel really gutsy and ballsy and I say things that I might not normally, because I feel like I need to be
completely up front about what I’m feeling…otherwise an opportunity could slip by me, and I’ll kick myself for that.
My heart was racing all afternoon. Seriously. I know people say that all the time, but I thought it was going to jump right out of my chest.
“So what have you got going on this weekend?” I asked.
“Naught, zilch, zero,” he laughed.
“Come hang out with meeee.”
“Why couldn’t you live just up the road?” he sighed.
“Because that would be too easy,” I said, exasperated, “I wish I did, if that matters.”
“Aww. I do like the fact you’re American, mind you.”
I laughed at that. “Explain.”
“It makes you interesting and gives you a sassiness that’s hard to explain. That’s only part of it, of course.”
“What are the other parts?”
“Your whole outlook is different and it’s so fascinating just to hear you talk about things.”
I considered this for a minute. “I guess that’s good,” I laughed.
“Course it is. Apart from the American thing…you’re so interested in me, I’m not used to it I suppose. It’s flattering.”
I could feel my face getting hot. “Good to know I’m super obvious. That’s embarrassing.”
“I didn’t mean it like that. Oh, I’ll just be quiet.”
But…we were finally discussing it…I didn’t want to stop now. I tried to laugh; got my nerve up and said “Can I ask you something?”
Cue insanely high blood pressure and stress and shaking. I HAD to ask otherwise it might not come up again for a while…
“Sure,” he said.
“I don’t want this to sound weird…,” I was hesitating. Maybe I should just shut the hell up and change the subject. But I couldn’t. “Do you think
about us, like, being together?”
“Yes, sometimes I do.”
“Do you want that or is it just an idea floating around?”
(I’m currently reliving this whole moment. My heart is beating OUT OF CONTROL.)
“I don’t know,” he said, “Part of me does want it.”
“Enough to go for it?”
“Do you?” he asked.
“If I’m being completely honest, I want it more than I’ve wanted anything for a long time.”
I couldn’t believe I’d just said that. Put myself completely out there…no holds barred. I guess I’d rather know now than have built this whole
situation up in my head…
“That’s so sweet,” he paused. I didn’t say anything. What do you say to that? “I don’t want that to sound in any way patronizing,” he chuckled. So…I
did too, more out of nervousness than anything else.
“Yeah…” I trailed off.
“You know I like you just as much as you like me.”
“But nothing,” he said.
“Well,” nervous laughter, “You never answered my question.”
“I would definitely go for it I think, yes. But let’s get it right, we’re both unavailable at this precise moment.”
“I know…but things happen…neither of us are in stellar relationships.”
“I know. Let’s see what happens. I have the best times with you, even if it is just over the net.”
Cheesing. Hard. I mean…<3
“Me too. I imagine it would be even better if you were here,” I couldn’t stop smiling. “I I’m not very patient, as you know,” I laughed, “Waiting
He laughed too. He knows it’s true lol.
“So am I on a timer now?” he asked.
“No. I’ll wait. I have a feeling it will be worth it.”
| posted on 2.5.2012 at 12:52 AM
My heart is aching.
Me: How’s your day going?
JB: Not bad thanks. Been at snooker practice, and just going to the g/f’s. I’m going to talk to her.
Me: Ah. Good luck? Lol seems a weird phrase to use.
JB: Lol I know but I also know what you mean by it.
Me: Yeah. Text me later?
JB: It’ll probably be tomorrow now xoxox
Me: Okay xoxo
So…the stress of not knowing what happened is killing me. I’ll catch myself thinking, Well, if they broke up, wouldn’t he tell me? I bet they
worked things out. This is it. He’s going to tell me tomorrow that things between us have to end. I can feel my heart breaking.
And then I’ll think, Well, he can’t completely disregard everything that’s happened between he and I, right? He wouldn’t be all flirty if he knew
he was going to work things out with her, right? I haven’t imagined all of this…
I can’t stand this not knowing. I want today to be over already so I can just find out.
| posted on 2.6.2012 at 01:25 AM
The Boy and I just broke up.
Officially we’re “on a break”…but I think we all know what that means.
We sorta set up some ground rules…
We’ll periodically check in with each other to see if maybe we still have that spark.
We tell people we’re “figuring things out” and to mind their own business.
We are still friends.
We can date other people, but if something becomes serious, let the other know before announcing it on Facebook…and no pictures until then.
It’s stupid. And frankly, I feel very strange about the whole situation. Despite everything I’ve said over the past few months, he is a huge part of
my life, and has been for the past two years (officially last Friday)…it’s awkward. But over the last several weeks it seems like all we do is fight.
“It couldn’t hurt,” is what I said when he asked me if this is what I wanted.
It is. But now I’m just sad.
| posted on 2.8.2012 at 03:26 AM
Okay so, things have been kind of disjointed lately, with everything that’s happened with The Boy so…back to what was happening with JB and his
As I said, I was just out of my mind with worry the whole night, and I was driving home from the bay area the following day so I didn’t have a whole
lot of free time to just be texting…but I did it anyway. He FINALLY texted me when I was about halfway home, and I asked him how things went with her.
“I told her that I felt like she wasn’t interested in me anymore, and she told me I was being silly and the subject was dropped, as usual. And later
she started crying a bit, as a favorite client of her has just died, so I didn’t feel like I could bring it up after that.”
Effe. So basically nothing happened…again. But he seemed really agitated that she wasn’t taking his complaints very seriously.
So the day I told him about The Boy and I breaking up, he asked me about it a little, whether or not I was upset, etc. etc., and then he said, “I have
a feeling it’ll be my turn soon.” I feel just sick for thinking these sorts of things, but I couldn’t help feeling like fist pumping…because that’s
all I’ve wanted for months now.
And then this happened. I can’t remember exactly word for word because my heart was all over the place, thus brain functioning was reduced but…it was
something to the extent of:
“I actually looked up flights today,” I smirked, “Is that weird?”
“No, I looked them up weeks ago, haha, you’re way behind. So you’re coming here now?”
“If I had a place to stay. I sometimes wonder what you would do if I just showed up at your job.”
“If nobody asked any questions, that would be amazing,” he laughed.
That was weird.
"I would be texting you, to come in finding you sitting on the couch having tea with my mum. Or telling you to get on Skype and you'd be skyping
from my bedroom, haha."
And then we somehow got on the subject of he and his gf…
“I probably should have asked this weeks ago,” I started, “But what sort of resolution are you hoping for with that?”
“Until several weeks ago I would have said that I would like things to work out with her, but now I just don’t know.”
And then he went on to explain that he really wasn’t sure because, granted she treats him like sh*t and acts like she doesn’t care for him all that
much (somebody explain to me why they’re still together then), but under all that he does still like her. If she were to say, ‘you’re right, I’m kind
of over this,’ he would be okay with them breaking up, but because she either doesn’t really acknowledge it (which, imo, is just like saying it’s
true) or says he’s being ridiculous for thinking it, that it makes him hesitate. But he also said he feels like he can’t go through the rest of his
life without meeting me and seeing what we have. He said that, even if they did break up, it’s not like he would be ready to jump into another
relationship straight away, which I get. 5 years is a long time, and our situations were kind of reversed…for me, I was the one who had moved on, and
for him he feels like she is…but then he said something like, “But it would be a lot easier to move on, knowing that I already have feelings for
somebody else, and she has them for me too.”
This whole conversation made my heart sink.
And then he went on to say that, given his luck, he’ll spend months trying to figure things out and by then I’ll have found somebody else, and he’ll
regret not having made a decision sooner. So I told him to just hurry up and make a decision already. Jokingly, of course. Although, I’m not.
It feels like my future is in the hands of this girl who I don’t even know. I have no idea if she’s still into him or not, because I only ever get his
version of the story…so it’s like, whatever she decides is what’s going to decide it for him…which will essentially decide things for me. I f*cking
So, I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this or not…but we’ve been exchanging letters recently, so I was in the middle of writing back to him this morning
when all of this happened, and I decided to just write a little about it to him:
I wasn’t sure I even wanted to broach the subject in this letter, but since we’ve just talked about it and it’s on my mind, I may as well. I just
want you to know that I do like you, a lot, and the thought of never meeting you kind of kills me. I know things are complicated now, but let’s make
it happen…some day, at least. I’m never sure if my talking about these things makes you uncomfortable so I try to keep my mouth shut, but now you
So…in a few days he’ll know. I mean, I think he already knows, but he’ll have to read the words, in my handwriting, with me, all over the page…and
he’ll have to really know it.
I didn’t really want to post any of this stuff because it’s really private and dear to me, but…it’s kind of relevant to see why I’m putting so much
stock into his feelings for me. This is from the letter I just received from him:
Sometimes I have serious thoughts of just dropping everything and coming to visit you. No explanations, nothing. Just disappear.
And then this:
I’m sure my mum is starting to get wise to the fact that I am talking/writing/speaking to someone. The way she grilled me expertly over the
letter you sent me, the half joking suggestion/accusation of a clandestine relationship. Don’t get me wrong, under the right circumstances, I’d love
her to know who you are. Just not now…
So…I mean, that’s something, right? I’ve been more open about this whole thing with my friends and family, but he’s a more private person and…I dunno.
Apparently, just completely out of the blue, his mom was asking him a bunch of stuff about America today…why are we sister countries, etc. etc.,
and…well, this is what happened.
Me: Lol that is so random
JB: Lol I thought she’d never shut up
Me: Was it just you two?
Me: Think she’ll just ask you one day?
JB: About you? Lol
JB: Probably. She reads minds.
I’m not sure if he’ll be honest with her, but I suspect so, because they’re close. I hope so.
I just don’t effing know. Whenever talk turns to his gf, I get a little antsy. It’s very hard to kind of get my point across without sounding really
catty and ridiculous. I do have a feeling they’ll end things…but I really just don’t know.
All I have is hope.
| posted on 2.20.2012 at 12:38 PM
He’s having another low day.
“I just feel so tired and groggy and drained and stressed.”
I had a feeling it has a lot to do with me. So I asked.
“Why do you think you’re feeling so bad?”
“Work, personal life, lack of sleep, etc.,” he said.
I feel terrible. I know I’m the reason he’s up so late every night. And I know that the ‘personal life’ bit is him struggling over our situation…but
what can I do? I can’t say, ‘you’re right…I’ll back off’…that’s just not an option for me at this point. And I hate that it is such a struggle,
because for me it’s a no-brainer. I would go for it in a heartbeat…so it breaks my heart that he isn’t as sure as I am. I guess I have to give it
But…it kills me to see him so sad. I do know that it isn’t totally my fault. This is something he’s been dealing with for years…he should see somebody
about it, but I don’t think he wants to admit that he has depression. All the signs are there, though.
It’s getting harder though. This…whatever it is. It’s rough. And what makes it so unbearable is that I know that they won’t last…he knows
they won’t last. Either he will grow a pair and finally end things, or she’ll get tired of waiting for a proposal that, according to him, will never
come. He thinks that’s why she’s lost interest. “She probably expected to be married and have children by now. But that’s not how it worked out.
That’s not how it’s going to work out.” So…why drag out the inevitable then?
And what makes it even worse is that, just recently I discovered that a friend and I are going through the EXACT same situation, only her boy is a
little closer than mine…and anyway, she’s finally made plans to go see him in April…and I’m really happy for her, but I’m also really sad for
me…because I would love to be making plans like that. I know I need to hop off the pity train…maybe I should just make it happen. But unless he’s
really ready, it won’t ever work.
Please hurry up, J.
| posted on 2.27.2012 at 11:18 PM
The last couple of days have been the worst. I have been so upset that I was on the verge of saying, “f*ck this! I’m out,” and…I may still. I’m just
tired of waiting for him to make up his mind.
Saturday I made plans to do some shopping out of town, so imagine my surprise when he texts me and says, “I came into the office today…do you want to
skype?” Um…well yes I do. So we squeezed in as much as we could into half an hour, and I was sad to go, and he was sad to see me go, but I did have
plans…so I went. And we texted throughout the day, per usual, and things were good. Fast forward to Sunday morning:
Him: As they say across the pond – fml.
Me: What happened?
Him: The g/f was out all day yesterday as her boss had bought her and her workmate tickets to a rugby game (?!). Naturally she is too tired for me
today. Should I care anymore?
Me: :( sorry. Did you say anything?
Him: Not really, just said at least you’re honest, catch you later.
Me: And she didn’t say anything back?
Him: Not yet.
Me: Hm. Well I’m sorry.
Him: It’s ok.
I hate hearing about her – it just makes me too sad. But I recently told him that although I would rather not hear about it, being completely
honest about these things is the only thing we have going in our favor. We have to be open. So…things were a little weird...in general things have
felt a little off lately, he’s been quiet, texting has felt a little forced…something wasn’t right.
Me: What are you up to then?
Him: Feeling sorry for myself.
Me: Well let me ask you this…What do you think it’ll take for you to get angry enough to say something?
Him: It’s already happened, many a time.
Me: Then what are you doing?
Him: What do you mean?
Me: Why do you put up with it?
Him: Because I’m weak.
Me: Well stop it lol. You and I aside, there’s no reason to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you.
Him: I think she does though.
I’m not sure if he said this intentionally to be hurtful because he was mad, or if he genuinely believes this. I mean…I don’t know how she feels,
but I know how she acts…actions speak louder than words, no?
Me: I guess.
I was irritated by this point. Going back months now, he’s been convinced that she’s fallen out with him…and now, after all of this, he decides to
think that she’s interested? I think he was intentionally trying to hurt my feelings…
Him: I know what you’re thinking.
Him: You know, I know lol
Me: No, what?
Him: Too much to type here.
Just reading this stupid conversation makes my blood boil and my eyes well up. He really knows how to push my f*cking buttons.
Me: Come on. Because…it might not be.
Him: You wish I was over it and already should be.
Me: No. Well…sorta. Mostly I’m thinking I have no idea what’s going through your head. Because for months and months you’ve been saying the same
things, that she’s cold and has lost interest and ditches you to do other, “more important” things…and still it’s not enough for you to say, effe
this. And here I am…wanting so badly to be with you and do things with you and it doesn’t even seem to matter. It just makes me a little sad.
Him: Aww don’t say it like that, of course it matters. You matter. It has just happened with bad timing.
Me: I know, and I told you I don’t mind waiting…if I think that you’ll eventually do something about it. But sometimes it just doesn’t seem like you
want to…that you’re fine with things how they are.
Him: I’m not fine but I don’t know what to say.
Me: To me or to her?
Him: To you.
What the actual f*ck. By this point I was crying, and was furious and so annoyed that I had let myself get into such a ridiculous situation. ‘To
hell with this,’ I thought. If he doesn’t want me, I don’t need him. I don’t want to be somebody’s second f*cking choice.
Him: Don’t be annoyed with me, I’m sorry about this.
Me: About what?
What the hell does that even mean? Are you sorry that you’re a coward? Are you sorry that you have led me on for months? Are you sorry that you
made me fall for you? I was so pissed. I’ve never been that mad at him before. And frankly, it felt good to consider myself done with the whole thing.
Me: What are you saying though? Are you wanting to stop talking to me or something?
Him: No, course not.
Him: But nothing.
Me: If you’re not fine with the situation, why won’t you change it?
Him: Dunno, don’t want to talk about it anymore.
So…needless to say, yesterday was really awkward. We tried to keep up pretenses, but conversation was strained, and I wasn’t really trying all that
hard to be nice. I thought, ‘well, that’s that then I guess. He clearly said that he’s more interested in being with her than me,’ and although that
was so desperately sad…at least it was a decision one way or another, right? Except, that’s not what he said. It’s what I inferred.
So I kind of let things hang in the air last night. I didn’t respond in any of our games, and I didn’t text him this morning…and I think he knew
something was up.
“Are you around?” He asked this morning.
Obviously. Where else would I be? So we talked for a little while, and finally he asked me if I wanted to Skype. I had been ready to say no, but I was
curious to see if he would bring up anything he’d said the day before. And of course, we were soon back to our giggly, flirty ways…it really can’t be
helped. But, he had a snooker match, so he was heading out early. About 5 minutes before he needs to leave is when he decides is the best time to
bring up anything of real importance.
“I was unsure if you were going to talk to me today,” he said.
“I was pretty sure I wasn’t going to. I was really mad at you yesterday. You really upset me.”
“I know, I’m sorry. I can be a real assh*le. It was not okay of me to talk about that stuff.”
“What stuff,” I asked.
“About the girlfriend. I shouldn’t have done that. I’m sorry.”
“I was ready to just ignore you for a few days, but I thought ‘if he texts me first, we’ll see’. Everything you said was really mean.”
“It just sounds like you’ve made up your mind.”
He was quiet.
“I just sometimes feel like I’m your backup. Like…just in case things don’t work out with her…I don’t like it.”
“That’s not it at all. And don’t look at me like that. I can’t stand seeing you sad, because I’m not there to give you cuddles.”
“I still like you, I just don’t know if I should.”
Is it even worth my time anymore? is what I wanted to say.
“So what you’re saying is that I can’t have my cake and eat it too?” He laughed. Except that this is my heart we’re talking about. It’s not funny.
So…we said our goodbyes. I immediately went to see my brother to b*tch about what had just happened, what I thought was going to happen, and how I was
just about over it, because it just wasn’t fair to keep me waiting like this. He agreed. And I said, “I know how it’s going to play out. I’m going to
get fed up with waiting and decide to move on, and then when he and his stupid girlfriend do finally break up, because they will, he’ll come
to me and say, ‘Welp, I’m ready!’” and my brother said, “Just say, ‘f*ck you’ and be done with it if that happens. Why should you wait? You’ll find
somebody else, there are millions of fish in the sea.”
I was feeling sorta weird about it though. Because…well, this happened:
“I feel like it could be the greatest decision I’ll ever make,” he said about breaking up with her for me.
“First of all,” I started, “It will be the greatest decision you’ll ever make, and even if it’s not, it certainly won’t be the worst. You’ve
been saying for months that you know things aren’t going to work out with her, so even if they don’t work out with me, at least you know you and her
weren’t supposed to be together.”
Just the thought of not even trying seems ludicrous because…I know it could be great. Amazing. Life changing. And I know that if we never try it, I’ll
always wonder, and he’ll always wonder, and there’s no reason for it.
So I’m mad because we’re just stuck in this limbo…and I’ll probably stay mad for a while. But that doesn’t mean that I still don’t care about him a
lot and would, in a heartbeat, go for it, and love every second. And it doesn’t mean that I have fallen out of…whatever this is, with him. I’m just
mad…and scared that he won’t decide it’s worth it.
He texted me after his match, and things were strained again. I wanted to say something, but I know he’s weird about talking about these things
through text…so I kept quiet. He didn’t though.
Him: Can I just say something?
Him: I fell for you, not because I needed a back-up. It was your smile, your mind, your personality. I couldn’t help it.
Me: So what’s happened?
Him: With what?
Me: It just seems like…you don’t want me anymore.
Him: I do, just don’t want you to think I’m an opportunist.
Me: Do you think we’re just doomed then?
Him: I don’t know. All I know is I don’t want it to stop.
Me: I don’t either. But I need to know that you at least want it to work. Because otherwise I’m just waiting, never sure if it’s going to lead
Him: I know, I know.
Me: I’m not really sure how to convince you that the risk will be worth it. I just know it will.
Him: :-) So you’re saying I can’t keep fobbing you off, I have to decide lol
Me: I’m not saying it explicitly lol but it would be nice.
I do know what would convince him.
I need to go to England.
| posted on 8.19.2012 at 11:01 PM
Sometimes words aren't enough. I have them...all 6 months of them, what I remember, and what is important, here on my computer. A couple clicks and
they'd all be here. But would it really matter? The last six months of smiles, and laughs, and elation, and heartache and confusion...they're
imprinted on my heart. I'm forever changed by them. And by the mouth the came from, and by the the mind that thought them. But you would never know,
because these words...they're not enough to make you feel what I feel.
Sometimes words aren't enough. Ideas and promises and dreams...they're meaningless without action, without a touch, or a hug, or a push forward in
the right direction.
Let's do this the way you and I know how.
Darling, let's be adventurers.
| posted on 9.8.2012 at 11:16 PM
I never know what each day will bring with him. Some days are very, very bad. Some days, like today, feel really good.
We went through a period of constant sadness. Every time we Skyped, one or both of us would end up in tears, always over something he said. And I get
that he’s scared…this is a huge gamble. For me, I absolutely believe the risk is worth it. I have from the very beginning. But for him…the possibility
of it going badly is worrying him out of his skin.
I get it. I do.
For starters, this has gone on for way too long. We’re rapidly closing in on a year…a year of hopes and wishes and promises without any action. We’ve
done well, if you ask me. Not many people would have been willing to wait this long. Could have waited this long. But we have, and I think
that’s a testament to our feelings for each other, and the endless possibilities ahead of us. This hasn’t happened for no reason. Something has been
moving it forward, even when it seemed like we were at a standstill. And things did almost end permanently. If it weren’t for his persistence, and my
inability to let him out of my heart, we wouldn’t be speaking now. Well, that is what happened, but it was in the form of him continuing to text me
even when I didn’t want him to and he knew he shouldn’t…and my seemingly innocent response on a hot summer day while I was grocery shopping: I’m fine,
We should have planned a trip after he ended things with her, but he wanted a little time. Time to make sure he was over it fully, before he committed
himself to someone else. That made sense. So I waited.
And then summer was in full swing and we still hadn’t made any tentative plans. Well I had. “I’m coming to see you in October,” I told him one day.
Period. I knew I was going whether or not he had already been here.
But then we decided that he should make the journey first, as it’s the gentlemanly thing to do, and he didn’t want me to travel to a strange country
under such circumstances. And he wanted to meet my family, and for them to meet him, to know things are on the up and up. That made sense. So we
continued to wait.
And now it’s September, and the seas haven’t been so smooth. August was hard. He was suddenly doubting his feelings for me, and was convinced that
we’d built this whole thing up. I know he doesn’t really believe it…but he was going through another one of his dark times, and I was his scapegoat.
He said hurtful things…never anything against me personally, but about his doubt about us, and this. And then one night he told me he loved me, and I
thought that maybe we would get through it.
We have. I’m still here, because I think he’s worth it. Because I think this is worth it. Things are much better now, but I know that there’s
still an ocean of worry under his sweet words. But he’s off on vacation for two weeks. I hope that the change of scenery, and the feel of the sun on
his body, and the sounds of the ocean will melt him. And if it won’t, I know that the second I can touch him – wrap my arms around him, press my lips
to his lips, to his cheek, to his neck…all of this turbulence and heartache will be a distant, silly memory.
| posted on 9.17.2012 at 01:01 AM
This. I always want this.
| posted on 10.20.2012 at 12:12 AM
So, just before he got here, I had a mini crisis. This was the result of that:
Oh God. Oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God. Oh God!
He is going to be here in two days. Two. And I am losing my sh*t. My stomach is in absolute knots. And if I’m honest with myself, I’m starting to have
doubts. I know it’s just because I’m super nervous, and I think this is my way of facing the fact that it might not go as well as we both hope…not on
my part, I don’t think, but he may not like me in the end. And that’s heartbreaking. So before I dive in headfirst (too late, I think), my mind is
trying to make me take a step back and is saying, “Hey, maybe you don’t really like this guy as much as you thought.” Scumbag brain. Of course I do. I
wouldn’t still be around after all the bullshit if I didn’t truly love him. But now it’s real. For the last year it’s been the idea of
something. And now there’s a possibility of a real something…and it’s overwhelming on a lot of levels.
I don’t want to be heartbroken. And the thought of him going back to England, never seeing or hearing from him again, that hurts me on a level that I
never thought I could be hurt. My days would feel so empty. My heart feels empty at the thought. That’s how I know what I’m feeling is just nerves.
He’s supposed to be apart of my life. I know that based solely on how I feel when I think about the possibility of him not.
So I know that. Really.
But now I know what it’s been like for him, knowing something, and feeling so twisted up inside about it. That’s how I feel – like my stomach is just
completely twisted around it’s self.
Despite knowing that he’s meant to be here, I can’t seem to get the feeling back - the butterflies and the excitement and the feeling of absolute
certainty that what we’re doing now is right. Nerves too, right? My anxiety is shadowing all of that. And I know that. Really. But that was what has
kept me going through all the trouble the last few months. The knowing. And the feeling. And now that those are gone I find myself looking for a
crutch that isn’t there. I need support.
I haven’t told him any of this. I have to be the strong one now. I told him that weeks ago…it’s hard, but for now it has to be me. So I put on my
brave, happy, in-love-with-you face, and I tell him that I just know that things will be as amazing as we both hope. And they will be. I know that.
Really. I only have to last three more days. Well, really, two days and 13 hours. That’s not long. Not when I think about how long I’ve been waiting
for this. When I see his face, and feel his arms around me, then I’ll know.
And…I know it’s nerves because we tried not being there for each other. We tried not speaking, not missing each other, not having feelings for each
other, whether or not they had been officially acknowledged yet, and that didn’t work. It didn’t work in a major way. I know it’s nerves because since
the very beginning I’ve felt like this could be life-changing. I know it’s nerves because when things have gotten hard we’ve always rallied. The decks
were stacked against us. A whole continent and an ocean? And not to mention that we both had failed relationships to unearth ourselves from. I know
it’s just nerves because despite all that, this is actually happening. I know it’s nerves because he makes me a better person…he makes me want to be a
better person. I know it’s nerves because he feels the same. I know it’s nerves because the only thing that is more overpowering than my anxiety is
the complete sadness and despair I feel over the thought of him not being in my life and never having known him. I know it’s nerves because so much
had to happen in a specific way for us to even meet. There are too many coincidences for me to believe this was an accident. Thousands of miles apart.
12 years between us. Billions of people on the internet, and somehow we found each other. Not only did we find each other, but during the course of
about 6 years, we never really lost touch. We lived our lives and occasionally checked in with each other, and then we went back living to our
separate lives. Over that amount of time, so many things could have happened. He could have gotten married. I could have, for that matter. People get
deleted from messenger, passwords get lost or forgotten, interest fades. But that never happened. We always came back. And I think there was a reason
for it. I think we had to keep doing it…until we were both in the right place for this to happen. Something has been driving us towards this. I know
it’s nerves because this is fate. This is supposed to happen. And writing that, reminding myself of the divine intervention that has taken place to
see that this happens, makes me sure again.
But…we were both worried over absolutely nothing. His visit was incredible. So much so that it’s hard for me to even find the words to describe it,
but thinking about it makes me emotional. It was everything we thought it would be. But in a different way, if that makes sense. In a real
way. There were a few bumps in the road, but nothing we couldn’t navigate, and as the days wore on, things just seemed to get better and better. Until
the day he had to leave. Worst day in history. Fact. When I think about hugging him goodbye in the middle of a crowded airport…feeling his tears on my
shoulder, and my tears dotting the front of his shirt…kissing his wet lips…and finally pulling myself from him and walking away without looking back…I
just couldn’t look back…that really does send me over the edge. I feel like it was the hardest thing for me to do. I cried all the way back to my car.
I cried in my car, alone, for about 20 minutes before I was together enough to be able to drive. I cried off and on for 6 hours on my way home. I
cried alone in my bed that night. The sadness was a huge weight I couldn’t shake for days. Even now, when we Skype, and talk about how good things
were, I still get a sick feeling in my gut, knowing that it was all leading up to saying goodbye to him.
I know this is silly…because it was this way before, and obviously it would be this way when he left…but as I was driving home, it suddenly dawned on
me that we weren’t even in the same country anymore. On the same continent. On the same side of the world. That broke my heart. Somehow it would have
seemed a little better if he was only flying a few states away…but he was flying a whole world away…a whole continent and ocean between us again. That
was hard to accept, when just hours earlier he had been inches from me, and I could touch him and kiss him any time I pleased.
But…as usual, we’ve rallied. He fell in love with the bay area. His whole trip he kept saying that he was done with England, that he was moving here.
We’ll see about that. For now, we have another trip to plan. I’m going to him this time…in 36 days. I can’t wait to feel his arms around me, see his
eyes crinkle when he smiles, feel his breath on my neck, lace my fingers between his.
I've known from the very beginning...
This is right.
| posted on 12.10.2016 at 11:44 PM
Four years seems significant, I’m not sure why. I’ve made so many memories; I’ve biked along the rim of the Grand Canyon, I’ve stood atop St. Paul’s
Cathedral, gone on three straight go-arounds on Space Mountain, slept in an airport in Germany, picnicked on Dartmoor, moved into my own home, went
back to school to research what I love, found my Tribe, ice skated in the middle of a Southern California summer, eaten strawberry ice cream along the
South Bank of the Thames, had too many cocktails, laughed too much, loved too much, and said ‘yes’ to my best friend when he got down on one knee just
before Christmas last year.
What is it that people say about time? The days are slow, but the years go quick. All of a sudden it’s four years later, and I’ve been thinking a lot
about the words I’ve written here. I spent an hour going through the first year of us, wiping away tears because it all came flooding back. I
didn’t just remember feeling those emotions, I felt them all over again.
Not once did I regret being so open with him about the way I was feeling, even if it came across as pushy. I have no regrets about feeling my
feelings, even when they conflicted with what was happening in my life. I never regretted insisting that this was supposed to happen. Things got
messy, but life is messy. Those first several months were filled with such polarizing emotions, and we often talk about ‘the breakup’, when
we decided it was best to let he and Alison have a fair shot. I’m glad he persisted, that day in the grocery store, and I’m so glad I responded. Pride
and logic be damned, right?
It’s way too easy to feel weighed down by our current struggles - the visa process is not for the faint of heart, and the stress of it manifests in
unpleasant ways sometimes. I’m so glad I wrote the words held here. They make me profoundly grateful that we have come so far, and solidify my faith
that if we survived those first few months, and the last 4 years of being together only when life allowed, that we will withstand whatever life throws
J, we were written in the stars.
I can’t wait to be your wife.
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