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Author: Subject: U Think U know, But U Ain't Got a Clue Whatsoeva! This is the Life & Mind of Browngrl86
browngrl86
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butterfly.gif posted on 5.31.2006 at 09:19 PM
U Think U know, But U Ain't Got a Clue Whatsoeva! This is the Life & Mind of Browngrl86


*sigh* I can't believe I'm doin this....postin all my personal info on the web for all to see. Oh well, that's why I'm under an alias name!!!!!! I've kept a journal/diary before, but I haven't written in it in about 2 or 3 years! I ran outta room and never got a new notebook. I started writing poetry and puttin my thoughts in poems, but I need to vent my thoughts with the knowlege that SOMEBODY is reading it, even though I don't know you all who's gonna be readin it...it may be boring at times and you may be like SO WHAT! to some of the things i be sayin, but guess what....SO WHAT! :lol: These are my thoughts and words, hate it or love it........

* * * * * *

I guess i'll start here:

Well, there's sooo much goin thru my mind lately. I'm 19 and at a point in my life that's so different to me....it's called bein grown! ha ha! But yeah, I'm so lost, soo scared of what's to come, but i pray to God all the time, cuz we all know......He's da man!
N E Wayz, I'm actually in my first relationship. He's a childhood crush that I "remet/re-found" in college. it's such a cute story... basically, I believe he was sent to me by God cuz I prayed and wrote to Him in my notebook diary to send me someone, and 5 months later, He did!!!!! He is soo sweet...yes, there are some things that bother me about him (I MIGHT tell you later) but overall, he's really wonderful....

I'm currently in college, just passed my Astrononmy class with a D! I'm so happy! See, u don't understand...that class wuz hard!!! I passed, didn't I? Das all dat mattas!!!! :lol: My "major" is English....*sigh* that's another story...And NO! i don't wanna become a teacher!!!!! Hegs naw! I just looove to write, creative writing that is, and sing... maybe I could be a songwriter?? I'm lookin to be with this studio that deals with Sean Levert....yes, I'm tryin to do big things......Tryin being the operative word here!!!!!

I work at KFC, *sigh* I hate it...it's just to earn that almighty dolla...*sigh* But yeah, a whole otha story....I'm tryna leave cuz they got robbed ( I live in a part of town others consider "rough") but , well, what can i say about that? I NEED a new job, fo sho!!!! Chiiiild, yes....I'm prayin, tho.....

Now u know a lil about me......I guess this ends this post....I'll be back with more of my thoughts for all the world to read :lol: I'm out like da rapture! PEACE!!!!! :peace:

Oh! P.S. when I thought of the title for my Blog, I didn't know esssence had the same title....my bad....pure coincidence!




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browngrl86
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Posts: 3000

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Location: where you least expect me...

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Mood: I'm alive, blessed.......AND LOVIN IT!!!!:dance:

[*] posted on 6.1.2006 at 01:52 PM


Well, well, well, I'm back! Yeah, it's been a looooong time comin, but today, I FINALLY got my temps! :rock: Whew! Chiiild, it was a struggle too (looong story)......Cuz I'll be damned if I gotta catch the city bus to class next semester! :lol:

My boyfriend came over yesterday, and, well, he ALWAYS says he loves me, but I'm afraid to say it back...I dunno if I'm tryin to figure out if I do or am I afraid to admit it cuz he's my first boyfriend and It's so scary to "love" someone the first time around???????? I dunno, his promiscuous past might be subconsciously botherin me too... I know yall is probably thinkin :nopity:, this girl ain't got a problem in the world! but it's got me trippin fo real...
Another thing, he wants kids, and I'm like :faint: He and I both know NOT NOW, but he wants em in the future, and I'm like NOT EVEN in the future! :spit: It might just be me as a 19 year old girl sayin that, but I dunno if my choice will change....

Well, I'll hit yall back when somethin arises....right now i gotta get ready to go to work, :frustrated: passin out chicken, customers gettin on my nerves, da whole nine! PEACE!~~:peace:

~*Browngrl86*~




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browngrl86
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Posts: 3000

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Location: where you least expect me...

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Mood: I'm alive, blessed.......AND LOVIN IT!!!!:dance:

[*] posted on 6.1.2006 at 10:11 PM


Yeeeah, I jUST got off work and, actually, it was a pleasant day...I didn't really feel the need to beat some customers down! Hallelujah!!! Naw, cuz u know, people feel like they can talk to u any old way and they think u under them cuz u work in fast food......but it's ok tho, Karma's a snitch!!! And I let em know!! :whistle:

Well, I live in a small city and i often see people I graduated from high school with come thru the KFC i work at. This one dude i graduated with came thru and asks me for my number....he cute, just a lil too short for me though, but I'm like, where was you at in high school when I was reeeeally wantin a man!?!?!? :lol: He was on the football team and stuff....I'm like :nana:, You're too late!!!!! Aint dat a blip?

But in high school, I was quiet and I wasn't runnin around with every Ronnie, Bobby, Ricky, and Mike, :yuck: so maybe he just looked past me.....

I still don't run around with every male that looks at me, I'm not a promiscuous girl, and I think that's somethin to be proud of, ESPECIALLY in this day and age.....it's TOO MUCH grossness and hoes lingerin EVERYWHERE.....I DON"T PLAY DAT!!!!!! It's sad because a lot of people my age are proud to be hoes, or they're hoes and they don't even know it....(sad situation) :smh: No offense, i don't go around callin people hoes, they gotta fit the bill...Hoe=a promiscuous male or female. Yes...males too!!! Double standards my :rump:! Shoooot, gets on my nerves.....

Ok, lemme go to bed cuz I'm obviously gettin upset and startin to talk crazy.......Stay tuned to the life and times of Browngrl86......*soap opera music*............... :peace:




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browngrl86
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Mood: I'm alive, blessed.......AND LOVIN IT!!!!:dance:

[*] posted on 6.2.2006 at 01:06 PM


Today is honestly "one of dem days".........Its rainin, I'm feelin like ish, my mind is lost in long and confusing tunnels, I have nothin to look forward to today but goin to work :boring:, I can't talk to my bf today cuz he's workin ALL day.....a :flowers: from him would make me happy, tho...he owes me a poem next week, so I'll think of that.....
*sigh* Calgone, take me away!!!!!!!!!!!

Naw, but I'm feelin this journal thing......I'm glad I took it up again....plus, I think I'm a Cocoalounge addict.....

Aiight i'm signin off, :peace:,

*~~*Browngrl86*~~*




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browngrl86
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Posts: 3000

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Location: where you least expect me...

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Mood: I'm alive, blessed.......AND LOVIN IT!!!!:dance:

[*] posted on 6.3.2006 at 10:46 AM


AAAhhhhhh yesss, I'm in a much better mood today! Thank da Lord!! Chiiild, I thought yesterday would never end! Still nothin to look forward to today but work, but I'm in a MUCH better mood!!!


Browngrl86 Out,

:peace:




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browngrl86
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Posts: 3000

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Location: where you least expect me...

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Mood: I'm alive, blessed.......AND LOVIN IT!!!!:dance:

[*] posted on 6.4.2006 at 09:54 PM


I GOTTA get outta here.........KFC that is. I ain't gotta work tomorrow, THANK GOD!!!!! :tu: Maybe I'll go into retail; that's a step up anyways...ANYTHING but the fast food business! You get rude customers, you work yo tail off for the minimum of wages, and nobody appreciates all the work you do......it's some :bs: I'll be job searchin, but Lord, please, PLEASE, PUH-LEASE bless me with another job! I gotta get outta that hellspot! I feel so stunted...all my friends got such professional jobs: one works behind a desk, my boyfriend works for the city newspaper as a sports editor, and another is a chef in a fancy shmancy grocery store (she has culinary experience) and what am I doin? Handin out chicken to ghetto-a** folks! I feel like I'm fallin behind, tryin to catch up to others in this race of life. *sigh* I can only go up from here.....

*sigh* I hope I see my bf this week :kiss: I swear he's the sweetest dude I've ever met (or re-met!). We got hella chemistry. We on the same level mentally, it's crazy. He respects me and my wishes and that is sooooo important to me...I LOVE HIM! (I think :ummm: )....But ummm, I hope i can get to the studio on my off days this week, too...I need to get my career crack-a-lackin....I'm tellin you, I got mad skills with a pen and paper! I just need somebody like this producer dude to see it, and help me with my songwriting and singing...Well lemme go to bed.....anotha day, anotha day..........

:peace:,

*~*Browngrl86*~*




No God, no peace

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browngrl86
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Location: where you least expect me...

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Mood: I'm alive, blessed.......AND LOVIN IT!!!!:dance:

[*] posted on 6.9.2006 at 10:55 PM


Dang.....I've been thinkin.....One of my biggest fears in life, if not the biggest, is not pursuin my dreams and regretin it when it's too late. My great aunt died almost a year ago at the age of 92, and she revealed to my mom that she always wanted to draw. She wanted to go to college and study art, but due to her family wanting her to marry, have babies, and tend to her multi-acres of farmland, not to mention she was a young black women in the 30s and it was expensive and unheard of to attend college, she never had the chance, and her dreams were always pent up inside her...that makes me sooo sad! Just imagine how successful she could've been! I'm so afraid of being 92 and regretin now pursin my dreams....I gotta pursue my dreams, I gotta try......

Anyways, I filled out my financial aid forms too late and got only loans......I NEED grants!!!!!! It's ok, I'll pay half and my parents will try to pay the other half....that's not countin those expensive a** books! This is the situation between me and the government: :dolla:

Oh well, anotha day, anotha day.......


P.S. I MISS MY BOYFRIEND!!!!! I haven't seen him in a while...:frustrated:


:peace:,

*~~*Browngrl86*~~*




No God, no peace

Know God, know peace
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browngrl86
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Posts: 3000

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Location: where you least expect me...

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Mood: I'm alive, blessed.......AND LOVIN IT!!!!:dance:

[*] posted on 6.14.2006 at 07:36 PM


Dear God:

I know that, in time, things must change....so why do I feel so sad? Yeah, that's lyrics to an Alicia Keys song, but that's one of the emotions I feel nowadays......

Change is a good thing, it just takes a lil gettin used to......but once you get over the hump, Browngrl86, you'll be fine...

*sigh* I gotta keep tellin myself that, gotta stay positive...cuz after all, I AM TRULY BLESSED!!! I appreciate EVERYTHING I have, fo real! Don't think I'm contradicting myself.....it's just..*sigh*...it's hard adjusting and tryin to keep up at this time in my life....It's like I'm trying...I try and try, but it's just not good enough....I don't even know if it's alright to feel this way, if it's alright to feel like this in my circumstance, which, NO ONE seems to see....They don't see it cuz they don't understand, they think I live in a golden world, which, actually, I do, hence all my wonderful blessings God has bestowed upon me, but I feel like the underdog......But to tell the truth, I'm scared......scared of what's to come. I ask myself, is it that I didn't have a goal? I DID, I promise I did....but it's not workin out like I planned....is that why?......it's hard to explain.......hard to put into words....I hope y'all readin this understand.........

:peace:,

Browngrl86




No God, no peace

Know God, know peace
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browngrl86
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Posts: 3000

Registered: 4.24.2006

Location: where you least expect me...

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Mood: I'm alive, blessed.......AND LOVIN IT!!!!:dance:

[*] posted on 6.15.2006 at 11:09 AM


I need to get this off my chest....Ok, so here's the situation.............

My boyfriend is from Atlanta. He was born there but lived here since he was about 5. Anyways, he's lived there for about a year when he was nine, and until we reunited on our first day of college, he WAS gonna go back down to Atlanta and attend Morehouse. He had a scholarship and everythang....Now he tells me as soon as he gets his money right, he wants to go live down there but he probably won't since he remet me.......I'm like :shock: are u serious?? Part of me wants him to be happy and let him live where he wants to live, but I DON'T WANT HIM TO GO!!!!!! Is that selfish of me??? It's soooo flattering that he would even stay here with me, despite his wanting to live in Atlanta, he must really be feelin me......wow......I dunno....this whole thing got me like :faint:
IF he does go to Atlanta, I really don't wanna be in a long distance relationship cuz they say it NEVER works out....

I was afraid of this....feelin somebody sooo much that you feel vulnerable.......I don't like that feelin at all........

:peace:,

*~Browngrl86~*




No God, no peace

Know God, know peace
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browngrl86
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Posts: 3000

Registered: 4.24.2006

Location: where you least expect me...

Member Is Offline


Mood: I'm alive, blessed.......AND LOVIN IT!!!!:dance:

[*] posted on 6.17.2006 at 05:52 PM


Wuz up, WUZ up, WUUUUUUUUZZZZ UUUUUPP!?!?!?!?!?!? Ha Ha...Yeeeah boy!!! Browngrl86 is in da house and feelin good!!!!!!!! :mj: :dance: :banana: Thank da Lawd!!!

*sigh* My Boyfriend wrote me a poem basically spillin his heart out to me and I FINALLY read it yesterday...it's soooooo cute!!!!! When I read it I was like :lovers: I was speechless...Seriously, that made us even more close.....Oh yeah I asked him about the situation I was tellin yall about in my last post, and basically, Atlanta is a bust! Our situation is TOO RARE to have it go down like dat! FO REAL!!!!!!!!! OK lemme go.....:dance:


:peace:,

Browngrl86 Out!!!!!!!




No God, no peace

Know God, know peace
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browngrl86
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Posts: 3000

Registered: 4.24.2006

Location: where you least expect me...

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Mood: I'm alive, blessed.......AND LOVIN IT!!!!:dance:

[*] posted on 6.20.2006 at 10:54 PM


:birthday: to my lil newborn nephew born on Sunday! It's da fourth for my sister and I'm like "it ain't gonna be me!" :no: das too many dang kids!!!!! :lol: I just have two words: tubes tied! :lol:

Anyways, I need to get my wig busted!! It's time to go to the hair shop....whew, chiiiiiiiiild.....yes...........

Anotha rough day at the Cololnel's house of chicken......they don't pay me enough, I'm tryna tell ya!!! Cuz chiiiiild, it's a bust......i gotta get out. I be sooooo depressed on the days I gotta work...it's soo lame.... But I always think of my boo and the poem he wrote me :kiss:.....without givin too much away, a few lines said somethin to the effect of "With all the wrong choices I've made in my life, why would God bless me with such a wonderful and beautiful woman?" and "I wanna thank your parents for creating you....I owe them a 100 favors for bring you in my life....." I was like :faint: I melted....wow............ He would kill me if he knew I'm tellin this!!!!! But it's cool cuz I luv my boo!!!!!

Aiight, lemme go....it's late.. :peace:,

*~~*Browngrl86*~~*




No God, no peace

Know God, know peace
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browngrl86
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Posts: 3000

Registered: 4.24.2006

Location: where you least expect me...

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Mood: I'm alive, blessed.......AND LOVIN IT!!!!:dance:

[*] posted on 6.22.2006 at 09:42 AM


Dang, this summer is BORING!!!!!!! :boring: Other years we would go outta town for my family reunion, either to Alabama or Florida, Detriot, California, etc....depending on which side of the family.....but this year guess where it is????? HERE!!!!! :lol: Dang, can a sista get a vacation???

I actually can't wait to go back to school in the fall cuz of two of the classes I'm enrolled in: Linguistics and Poetry writing...i know I know....yall like WHAT??? I dunno, those subjects interest me...I like to write poetry and I'm interested in the way peolpe speak....But I'm not takin any sciences or maths this comin semester....DAS WUS UP!!!!!! :mj: :dance: :rock:

I'm lookin for another job too....my manager said the district mananger gave him the two weeks notice of him being fired, and he said he's gettin rid of everybody under him, so I better start lookin for another job now! I can't have that on my record! cuz U CAN"T FIRE ME!.........I QUIT!!!!! :lol:

Aiight lemme dip out............I LUV THIS BLOGGING THING!!!!!!! :hehe:

:peace:,

*~~*Browngrl86*~~*




No God, no peace

Know God, know peace
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browngrl86
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******




Posts: 3000

Registered: 4.24.2006

Location: where you least expect me...

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Mood: I'm alive, blessed.......AND LOVIN IT!!!!:dance:

[*] posted on 6.26.2006 at 03:08 PM


Outside

It's hard to explain
Inherently it's just always been strange
Neither here or there
Always somewhat out of place everywhere
Ambiguous
Without a sense of belonging to touch
Somewhere halfway
Feeling there's no one completely the same


Standing alone
Eager to just
Believe it's good enough to be what
You really are
But in your heart
Uncertainty forever lies
And you'll always be
Somewhere on the
Outside

Early on, you face
The realization you don't
have a space
Where you fit in
And recognize you
Were born to exist



And it's hard

And it's hard
And it's hard


Irreversibly
Falling in between
And it's hard
And it's hard
To be understood
As you are
As you are
Oh, and God knows
That you're standing on your own
Blind and unguided
Into a world divided
You're thrown
Where you're never quite the same
Although you try-try and try
To tell yourself
You really are
But in your heart-uncertainty forever lies
And you'll always be
Somewhere on the outside

--Mariah Carey, Outside, Butterfly


^^ I truly love this song....I be feelin like this...I go about my day, seemingly fine, but this always seeps in the back of my mind.....

I dunno why I feel like this..but then again, I kinda do.....like the first line of the song says, "it's hard to expain."


I know that fear = the unknown......

I'm scared if we make it, I'm scared if we don't....more like terrified outta my mind!!!! I like him (A LOT)!! and it scares the heezy outta me! Fo real.......

*sigh* Dis ain't even cool...... :smh:

:peace:,

Browngrl86




No God, no peace

Know God, know peace
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browngrl86
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******




Posts: 3000

Registered: 4.24.2006

Location: where you least expect me...

Member Is Offline


Mood: I'm alive, blessed.......AND LOVIN IT!!!!:dance:

[*] posted on 6.28.2006 at 11:11 AM


I put in an application at Kohl's department store.....that's a step up........ain't it??????? I think so......:ummm: :dunno:

I'm goin to Cincinnati tomarrow to the Freedom Museum....it should be interesting.....

My dad owns a bus company so I'm ridin fo FREE! My parents own three houses (counting ours) and an apartment building.....the thing is, negroes always think we rich!!!! They either think my family got all this by livin foul, or we rich (which we ain't!) They don't know how much work it took, fo real! This girl I work with thinks that just because I have a savings account and I get my checks deposited directly into my account that I'm rich! I'm like R u serious??????? Come on now black people, you beginnin to scare me! :io:
I mean, she actually asked me if I live in a big house in the suburbs! She thinks I'm "bougie"!! :wtf:

I'm like whateva...I know i'm blessed, and I thank God for that....

Aiight, lemme bounce,

:peace: Browngrl86 OUT!!!!!! :tu:




No God, no peace

Know God, know peace
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browngrl86
Supreme Member
******




Posts: 3000

Registered: 4.24.2006

Location: where you least expect me...

Member Is Offline


Mood: I'm alive, blessed.......AND LOVIN IT!!!!:dance:

[*] posted on 6.30.2006 at 10:40 PM


That Freedom Museum was nice, but I'm not gon lie, it catered to white people...it was "sugar-coated", meaning they downplayed A LOT of the facts and made different things seem like they weren't that bad back in the slavery days......I was like :roll: Overall, it was nice doe.....

My younger cousin went, and she lives in a predominantly white suburb as one of the only black kids in the whole high school....she was tellin me how they teach them that blacks were not slaves but "indentured servants" and that blacks had the choice to leave. I'm like WHAT!?!?!? Das some :bs: The school system is tellin these kids this, and they're gonna grow up thinkin that.....once again messin up a whole generation of people with lies!!!! I'm mad about dat! These kids need to watch Roots...fo real......shooooot!! Das a dayum shame.......

Anyways.......
My uncle is in the hospital...bleeding on the brain....and it seems to be gettin worse. I haven't been out there to see him yet...*sigh*.............I HATE hospitals or any thing medical......:yikes: Gives me the heebie jeebies... MY prayers are with him though....

Aiight, I really ain't got much more to say, just keepin yall posted on what's goin on....aiight, :peace:

~~*Browngrl86*~~




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