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Author: Subject: Lookin' in the mirror and LoViN' it!
narcissism
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[*] posted on 5.13.2009 at 11:36 AM
IfTO Pt7


Don’t think that I don’t see you looking. ‘Cause it’s so obvious when you come around that you wanna start blushing and touching. I see the way that you’re checking him. You must be out your mind to ever think that he would want to leave me. How long will you keep on trying? You just keep on flirting, trying to get him open, yes. But it’s all in vain ‘cause he ain’t leaving. Tell you what you should do: find someone who wants you. I know that you want my man; I know you’ve been making plans. I know you want to be me. You know that could never be. You thought you had me fooled. Thought I didn’t have a clue. All along I knew the truth, and now the jokes on you.

I am convinced that somewhere somehow there are tons of women who want This Man for themselves. Absolutely convinced. He is way too amazing. One of the greatest men I have met in my life. Well, he’s not my man so I really shouldn’t feel any kind of way. But if he were, a b!tch better stay the hell away from him because I will cut her (think Beyonce in Obsessed). Nah, I’m not crazy…I don’t go looking for trouble but if she finds me, I will b!tchslap her azz, make her an example before an audience, and have her in stitches (and I don’t mean laughter).

Fight over a man? Never was me…until now. B!tch better know her place.




What makes her authority? Well...she assumed the position.
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[*] posted on 5.13.2009 at 02:17 PM
My Autobiography


People ask me why are you writing an autobiography at such a young age. My first thought is to get smart, asking them why haven’t they written their own instead of worrying about me. But I respond tactfully stating that just like most people I have been through a lot in my life and I decided to record those events. There is no rule stating that you have to be a certain age, or gained this amount of success, or be involved in a catastrophic event for one to write an autobiography. Surely, these things may make people more inclined to read your autobiography. But who is to say that you won’t be some important figure tomorrow; should you wait until then before you consider yourself important enough to take record of your precious life?

I look to other people in the past as inspiration for my own action to start writing my life story at the age of 21. Though she did not know that her experiences as a victim in the Holocaust would be the genocide’s most famous account, Anne Frank wrote in a diary about her life. She was even younger than me dying at age 15, and technically I am currently enduring the effects of a global recession, the neglect of the Black global community, and the global resistance to the Iraq war. Therefore, I recognize my mortality, cherishing all the life that I have to live and leaving a story behind for others to tell, understanding that at any point in history there is a story worthy of telling. President Obama did not wait until he became one of the most popular men in history for becoming what America considers their first Black president before he wrote his autobiography. He had a story worthy of telling beforehand; after all, he is a human being, and like the rest, endowed with God-given capabilities. So many countless others, from artists to writers, activists to politicians, victims to survivors, left legacies through their written, recorded, and painted works that touched the souls of many that lived after them.

Every life is important, and regardless whether my life is important to another person—as they may not understand the importance of life—it is important to me. For every second that breath comes from you, you have a task to complete. Your task at one moment might be something as mundane as cooking. But one’s cooking for their children, for example, leads to strong, healthy adults who can go on to successfully carry out their life goals. Just like something as ordinary as cooking can be a foundation to greater things, one person’s seemingly ordinary life can affect so many other lives and inadvertently, potentially change the course of history. A simple word of encouragement can lead to a sentence of hope, to a paragraph of faith, to chapters of action, and finally to a book of success. Because I never see anyone’s life as meaningless—being that no human being is made weak, only hindered by circumstances they must overcome—I consider every person’s story a story worthy of telling. Consequently, my story is. In her song “These Eyes”, India Arie sang it best: “our life is the greatest story never told”.

It is commonly held that it is never too late to do something but I hold that it is also never too early because limitation of one’s capacity based on age should only be acceptable where the said one shuns development—certainly not where one seeks it. Who knows, writing my autobiography for no reason other than to have evidence of my life could start a literary movement toward youth autobiographies. We should not blissfully remain confined to the limited experiences inside a home or we would never experience the outside world of possibilities.




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[*] posted on 5.14.2009 at 02:14 PM
Virginity--The Sequel


Most men really don't care to marry a virgin because hey! what's the likelihood of that? But if a man ever craved for such an experience, the question is, would he even be strong enough to handle courting a virgin? How do you get down the aisle with a virgin if you can not bear an initial minimal sexual life? It simply is not worth it for some, but then again majority of men never even get that option. A virginal or celibate man would be optimal for me, but I guess we can not get everything we want.

As a virgin, it seems that long gone are the days when virginity at marriage would be prized in our culture. In fact, I believe that if I told anyone I was a virgin at marriage, they would never believe me. Thus, the idea of gloating about my incredible restraint at my wedding is unlikely to occur. :whistle:

Despite the fact that few people believe me, few men have the strength, and I can't wait to make sweet, passionate love, I remain a virgin for several reasons. Indeed, at the tender age of 13 when my peers started to get very interested in sex, I wrote a list of 40 reasons why I will remain a virgin until marriage. I don't have that list anymore but I think I can remake something like it.

(Disclaimer: Certainly, many of these things you can have without being a virgin, but virginity simply makes it sooooo much easier especially during developmental years. )

40 Reasons Why I Remain a Virgin

1 No STDs.

2 No HIV.

3 No unplanned pregnancy.

4 Self-esteem intact and probably better off.

5 Men can not use me.

6 No ho status ("once you pop, the fun don't stop!")

7 Men love me for me.

8 Men rarely get too comfortable.

9 It's virtuous, biblical, pure.

10 Men respect my body.

11 No worries about birth control making me fat or lose my hair

12 Don't have to add condoms to my shopping list

13 Show my husband that I waited for him

14 Experience a healthy, monogamous sexual relationship with my lover for life

15 Have a sexual explosion on my wedding night

16 Can't confuse sex for emotions

17 Won't hold unto a man who isn't good for me because of good sex

18 Have my vagina curve to my husband's penis only

19 Men will not think to offer me money/material things for sex

20 Explore sexually with my husband only

21 Know that the man who married me sacrificed a great deal for me

22 Have the men who appreciate virginity going crazy for me

23 Have no ghosts, no comparisons of sexual past

24 No initial sexual pain with someone who doesn't care

25 No confusing men's desires for sex as a desire for me

26 No confusing sex as a relationship

27 No tying my self worth in whether men want to do me

28 No giving it up to him simply because he paid for a date or bought me a gift or gave me money

29 No building of a habit of stepping out on a man because I'm horny and he's not around

30 Enter "womanhood" with the man of my dreams

31 No falling in love with a man because of great sex

32 Give my virginity as a gift to my husband, to demonstrate my love and self-discipline

33 Men understand if they like it, then they have to put a ring on it.

34 Save the angry sex and make-up sex for the hubby

35 Have something different to share with my husband that I have not shared with other men

36 Take my relationship with my husband to new heights of intimacy

37 No sexual worries if a man cheats

38 Peace of mind regardless of the outcome of a relationship, or the hurt or pain involved in a break-up

39 No man can accuse me of sexually cheating because there is zero possibility (unless I lost it to someone who isn't even my man which doesn't even make sense)

40 My virginity is a message to all men who are not my husband who think that they could possibly ever in this life use me for sex because they use women for sex: Fukc you.




What makes her authority? Well...she assumed the position.
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[*] posted on 5.16.2009 at 08:36 AM
This Man


I rather have bad times with you than good times with someone else. I rather be beside you in a storm than safe and warm by myself. I rather have hard times together than to have it easy apart. I rather have the one who holds my heart.

My mirror. That's what I like to call him...and with good reason.

It's like he knows me intimately, like he takes the words right out of my head and speaks them into life. We do the "couple twin" bit quite often, walking around with similar outfits. But what spooked us both out equally were the birthmarks.

He and I both have a birthmark right under our right shoulder. Now how eerie is that. Talk about a mirror.

Edit: Another eerie thing I see is the title of my blog (which I have had for a few years now before meeting This Man): Looking in the mirror and loving it. Before I was talking about me. Now there's a new me. He is my mirror. I feel overwhelmed; I must keep that undying, unconditional love for the self whilst sharing a new love for my other self. Yes, it's that deep...




What makes her authority? Well...she assumed the position.
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[*] posted on 5.17.2009 at 09:52 PM
I love my mirror


I'm involved with a man who I never want to leave. He will have to leave me, or really hurt me terribly bad for this to end. Dare I say, I think my mirror is my future husband.

If not, then oh well! I'm not a gotdamn psychic. But if so, then it makes sense because it just feels so right. I have been in love once before, and there are a couple men whom I love to hell because of who they are. But This Man has a totally different position in my life; I just feel it. I'm not even in love yet but I feel this sort of intuitively. I love the crap out of This Man, and I know I can definitely fall in love with him.

There is indeed a big difference between love and being in love for me. Love, in my definition, is an extremely deep affinity for the person's total self (eg., their personality, lifestyle, disposition, mannerisms, thoughts, beliefs, etc). Infatuation in my definition, unlike love, is a euphoric feeling of lust and strong affinity based on the person's outer self (eg, looks, sex appeal, walk, talk, who you think they are before you get to know them well, etc). To me, "being in love" is somewhat a combination of infatuation and love except the euphoric feeling doesn't come from outer appearances only but from the total self and intense vulnerability. Thus, I would define "in love" as euphoria caused by extremely deep affinity and intense vulnerability. It usually takes people some time to feel comfortable becoming vulnerable to another, hence the time it takes to be "in love" for most people.

Of course, I am still in the "infatuation stage" of a relationship but I know for certain I love him for who he is. He is me, and I am him. I know, it sounds super corny. But if I love myself then I must love him because he reminds me of myself. I have never said this kind of stuff about anybody. As my trust for him builds and I open myself up gradually to the experience of the beauty of vulnerability, I believe I could fall in love. Let's see where this goes.




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[*] posted on 5.19.2009 at 03:21 PM
Wisdom


From youth, I knew I was wise. No, not intelligent but wise. Intelligence, in my definition, is great book smarts and/or keen analytical ability. Wisdom, on the other hand, is an advanced knowledge of various life situations and the ability to express to others how to deal with or overcome these situations. Though I do consider myself intelligent, as my accomplishments demonstrate that capacity, I often have to swallow my wisdom because of an understanding that others, especially older people, often disregard my words because of my age. Why is it that when a wise older person speaks in parables that everyone stands at attention but when an unusually wise young person speaks with those same kernels of wisdom they are brushed aside by the masses, only acknowledged by those extraordinarily wise older people who see themselves in these youth?

I do not mean to boast or brag but to simply acknowledge what I have known for myself for years but what I must stifle to maintain peace with older people who did not see what I could see when they were my age. I do not mean to come off as a know-it-all. In fact, most people underestimate me because I am rather quiet. But the fact is, though I have grown with experience between the age of 14 and 21, the way I view the world greatly remains the same. I may not think the same thoughts but I think the same way. I know that by 80 I would have grown enough, padded on those experiences, increased my knowledge, and still think the same way because how I think feels advanced, and always has felt so.

Because I am a humble learner, a sponge absorbing all the new knowledge I can from the CEO to the homeless; an extreme reader, reading hundreds of books any given year from wide ranging genres; an avid listener, holding deep, below-the-surface conversations with the toddler to the great grand father, I pick up on things people my age will not see or understand for decades to come. I do not consider myself arrogant but it is what it is. I know who I am, I know what I stand for. I can not live for anyone. I know my strengths and limitations. I understand the struggles and triumphs that got me to where I am. I understand what it takes to get me to where I need to be. I have always considered myself mature. Sure, I made mistakes and disappointed others but it was more telling of humanity than immaturity.

I already see myself being the old lady who speaks wisdom to her children, their children, and surrounding youth.




What makes her authority? Well...she assumed the position.
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[*] posted on 5.19.2009 at 09:32 PM
Mirror's description


This Man is a brown-skinned, 6'2'', muscular, strong, Usher-lookalike. Gosh, he arouses me just thinking about him. He wears glasses too, which is the ultimate turn-on, lookin' all intelligent and sh!t. Mmm, mmm, mmm. Sigh. Big huge sigh.



What makes her authority? Well...she assumed the position.
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[*] posted on 5.20.2009 at 07:51 AM
Happiness


The common rhetoric these days is that you control your own happiness. There are tons of books in the self-help sections of bookstores nationwide focusing on how to get you happy. They normally say that you can be happy anywhere you are and with anyone you are with. This "happy" talk is a bit over-the-top for me.

Certainly you do control your own happiness but part of controlling your own happiness is controlling your life--not solely controlling your inner self, which most books and motivational speakers concentrate on. If something or someone makes you constantly unhappy, it's your job to get away if you can. You can fake the funk with all that psycho-babble by trying to stay in positive thought but at the end of the day, the attacks to your spirit and body will still occur whilst you are trying to put mind over matter.

You can throw a smile on your face every time you see your evil boss but if you have to deal with 8 hours a day of constant badgering and belittling, you might see a change in your health. Thinking happy thoughts will indeed save you from depression but God forbid you get a kidney infection from all that repressed emotion...I mean, all that pain goes somewhere. You can stay with an abusive boyfriend hoping he will change, meanwhile thinking about all the good times and all the making-up moments to keep you upbeat. But the marks he leaves on your body or the scars he leaves on your heart remain. The longer you stay, the more you're allowing him to slowly kill your spirit. It may sound oxymoronic but it's possible to be happy and hurting.

Life is all about overcoming struggles but you pick your battles. No one is in charge of your happiness, but people and situations can make you unhappy. You control your mind, fighting against negativity everyday, but you also control your life. That's a single missing piece in a lot of "happiness" talk today. You have to sometimes get up and change your situation; you sometimes have to take risks for your own happiness whether it be taking a mini-vacation from your life, separate from a chronically cheating/beating husband, quitting an unbearable job situation, starting a new career.

You have to remove yourself from a bad situation if at all possible for total happiness--mind, but also body and soul. They all will thank you.




What makes her authority? Well...she assumed the position.
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[*] posted on 5.25.2009 at 09:14 AM
Beautiful Surprise


Whatever it is you came to teach me
I am here to learn it cause
I believe that we are written in the stars
I don't know what the future holds
But I'm living in the moment
And I'm thankful for the man that you are, you are, you are
You are everything I ask for in my prayers
So I know my angels brought you to my life
Your energy is healing to my soul
You are a beautiful surprise
You are an inspiration to my life
You are the reason why I smile
You are a beautiful surprise




What makes her authority? Well...she assumed the position.
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[*] posted on 5.25.2009 at 09:38 AM
Who does she think she is?


For some reason my mirror thinks that I am going to hurt him. This frustrates me. I know I am a good and faithful woman, and I tell him that...but I guess only time will show him. He does not go into detail about his emotional baggage from the past but the way he keeps telling me that I'm probably going to hurt him makes me think that he thinks that I'm a bad girl.

Whenever I am with him I try to be romantic, sexy, and sensual. Perhaps it comes off as the female version of a smooth operator. Should I fall back and simply dress plainly, close up and keep all feelings to myself, and not kiss or touch him with the passion that burns in my soul? Maybe then he will fully believe I'm not some sort of maneater.

This is not the first time that a dude has accused me of being a player after only knowing me a short time, and this is without me ever kissing or touching them--sometimes without me saying much at all. Geez, I'm not a player. I can't say it enough. I'm a rather mature, responsible, one-man woman. I really need to check the energy I am sending out to the world. Is my swag a little too much? Am I too confident, sexy, sensual? I know that I would assume a man with way too much confidence is a mega flirt and would avoid him like the plague. I just know for myself that when I am in a relationship (it doesn't even have to be a good one) and another dude wants to talk to me or it seems he has taken an interest in me, I simply look, turn, run, or walk away. Sometimes I think maybe I am too good because many men (and women too) in even an excellent relationship would not do the same thing faced with an interesting, attractive person of the opposite sex.

Task Numero Uno: Calm the swag.




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[*] posted on 5.25.2009 at 11:22 AM
This is Why I Love Him


I've searched for romance, flowers and affection. What I found is a lesson of what love really is. I found the game of love is not about how much you can take. That authentic love is about how much you can give.

My mirror inspires me to be a better me. I have started to run 3 miles 6 days a week on the road in the hood with all the likelihood to get shot or hurt in some way, but with a smile on my face. Because of him. He told me that he loves my body but he would prefer no tires. He did not command, he did not control. He simply stated his preference in a gentle, loving way. Normally his preference would be his problem, not mine. In the past my uncle would make comments like "if you don't learn this, or do this, or know this, you're husband wouldn't be happy." I would shrug off his comments rather rudely, stating I really don't care what any man thinks honestly. It's really about how I feel. But with This Man, I actually care. I care what he says, thinks, does, feels. I even told my mirror about the anecdotes of my uncle talking about what I need to do for a husband, and how I never really cared until him. With my mirror, I actually give 2 fukcs. I'm not a "yes" woman, a lady who jumps through hoops, never have been. I certainly do not tell him that I work out for him because I certainly do not. Before I even met him I was hitting the treadmill and taking long walks. I'm very healthy; I can walk from state to state to state if it were possible. But if there is something he wants, I got him.

Because he's got me. When I left my phone at his house and I had no way of contacting him because I didn't have a home phone, I walked to the corner store to borrow someone's phone (no more pay phones anywhere) so I could call him. He stopped his work out to drive 30 minutes to drop my phone for me, knowing he was cutting it close for work. When I told him I was hungry, he slaved away in the kitchen to make me a full course meal. He got me a guest pass so I could be working out with him at Bally's (Lord knows I don't even have enough money for bills, talk of fitness). When I had an interview on Wednesday and Thursday, he drove me there and brought me back, taking time out of his day because I can't afford a car. He is helpful, supportive, affectionate, kind-hearted. When I need him, he is there for me. He is everything I have prayed for and more. He is beyond my wildest imagination. Heaven-sent.

I never felt this way before. I have never felt so hard, so fast about anyone. It's like I connect with him on a spiritual level, beyond emotional, physical. I want this to last forever. Until the end of our lives. He's absolutely awesome. For goodness sakes, he decorates his bedroom walls with awards for his philantrophy and activism.

He says he may leave to go to live in Nigeria permanently next year but only I can stop him and make him stay. (He's been here for 10 years, now a permanent resident.) I told him that I will go with him. I love Nigeria, my favorite place in the world. I even considered going back permanently for retirement. That made him smile. I told him I may leave to go to DC to study next semester, and he said no problem. We yield to each other. It's stupid cool. I love it. I love him.




What makes her authority? Well...she assumed the position.
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[*] posted on 5.25.2009 at 02:36 PM
Halo


Remember those walls I built
Well, baby they're tumbling down
And they didn't even put up a fight
They didn't even make up a sound

I found a way to let you in
But I never really had a doubt
Standing in the light of your halo
I got my angel now

It's like I've been awakened
Every rule I had to break and
It's the risk that I'm takin'
I ain't never gonna shut you out

Everywhere I'm looking now
I'm surrounded by your embrace
Baby I can see your halo
You know you're my saving grace

You're everything I need and more
It's written all over your face
Baby I can feel your halo
Pray it won't fade away

I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo

Hit me like a ray of sun
Burning through my darkest night
You're the only one that I want
Think I'm addicted to your light

I swore I'd never fall again
But this don't even feel like falling
Gravity can't forget
To pull me back to the ground again

Feels like I've been awakened
Every rule I had to break and
The risk that I'm takin'
I'm never gonna shut you out

Everywhere I'm looking now
I'm surrounded by your embrace
Baby I can see your halo
You know you're my saving grace

You're everything I need and more
It's written all over your face
Baby I can feel your halo
Pray it won't fade away

I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo

I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
Halo, halo

Everywhere I'm looking now
I'm surrounded by your embrace
Baby I can see your halo
You know you're my saving grace

You're everything I need and more
It's written all over your face
Baby I can feel your halo
Pray it won't fade away

I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo

I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo




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[*] posted on 6.3.2009 at 10:51 AM
And so it continues...


Every day I am reminded of why he is my mirror. Certainly we have differences which keeps the relationship healthy and exciting, but our similarities brings tremendous understanding and synchronicity between us.

I was recently hired at a marketing firm that happened to sell products and services for my mirror's company, and I had no idea about this going into the interview. So what do you know, yesterday we actually worked together in the same place. I tell ya, the angels keep dropping large hints.




What makes her authority? Well...she assumed the position.
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[*] posted on 6.5.2009 at 10:42 AM
Truth is...


You are what you think you are. No one can make you feel what you do not believe for yourself. If the incoming information doesn't register at the printer, the output will read error, for it can not produce what it can not fully conceive.



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[*] posted on 6.7.2009 at 10:27 AM
Peace of Mind


Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.

Today, I have joy down in my heart and peace that passes all understanding. But yesterday I suffered.

The past 2 years were brutal but what does not kill you will only make you stronger. Unemployment, murder, poverty, adultery, credit plunge, struggling to pay a mortgage and utilities, abandonment, rejection, family incarceration, threat of foreclosure, days without electricity/light/water, loneliness, depression, physical and emotional abuse, no car, days without internet, no money, no able parents, friends unavailable. It's amazing I accomplished anything. But how did I do it? God. If not for Him, where will I be?

My faith got me where I am today. My faith that despite the fact that my world was crumbling all around me I knew that joy will come in the morning. I am stronger than before. Nothing in this life can bother me again. Sure, I will still feel pain if things are not going right but I understand that God is throwing me tests. He wants to know that I will keep going regardless of the roadblocks put in my path. I know He will make me very powerful. There must be a reason why so many trials fell upon me all at once. He is testing me to know if I will still stand. And I will because I must.

Today I encourage trials, attacks, and destruction to come my way. God will handle all; all I need to do is stand.




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