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Member Is Offline
Mood: "Everybody makes me sick..."
| posted on 7.5.2011 at 12:58 PM
So ummm, I wish I could talk to God sometimes. A real conversation, you know? Don't send me signs, don't send people on His behalf, just come down
here and sit across the table from me and have a conversation.
I don't know why the things that happen to me happen. I want to know how I came to be born into my family. I'm so different from them...both
sides. I love them to pieces but its hard to relate to them because I don't understand them. I don't understand the drama in their lives; I don't
understand their decision making processes. I try to be the voice of reason at all times, but their lifestyles are so 'flicted sometimes I feel like
I'm the dumb a*s.
I was raised in the same house as a rapist (life in prison), multiple murderers( one in prison now for 30 years), an armed robber (did 10 years (his
brother is the rapist), multiple drug dealers, and drug addicts.
I'm just confused about my life. had an incident today. Nothing life altering. Not a big deal at all actually. It's just typical of my life.
Things are going great and then I hit a bump in the road that knocks me off track for a minute. These stupid and insignificant events keep happening
TO ME and I dont understand it.
So anyway, this place sucks. T (the d*ck from my last post) was rehired, fired again, rehired again and then demoted. I guess demoted is the right
word. He was put back in more of an entry level position like he should have been n the first place! bwahahahahahahaha. I felt bad about what
happened to him at first but now I don't. LOL. Is that karma? Sorry, but I hate his a*s. In the mean time in between time, R (the other guy from my
last post) plotted and schemed himself a promotion to somewhere else. So he's leaving in a few weeks I guess. Once I found out about that I was
like, "look! i dont want to be here anymore either!!!!" And guess what? I got my wish. I'm out this sh*thole!!!
Cleveland sucks. Oh and by the way, Cleveland cavalier bball fans are all losers! I can say, "are you a cavs fan?" They'll say yea and I'll know
all I need to know about that person. they're all losers.
anyways. i'm off work today and i felt like talking. i didnt know tramadol was an opiate! i took 2 of them and I think that their doing the typing
right now. so i'm gonna go close my eyes.
Member Is Offline
Mood: "Everybody makes me sick..."
| posted on 9.4.2013 at 02:56 AM
I hate those progressive commercials. I was so miserable a few hours ago. I'm talking about I wanted to run away. I'm a grown a*s woman.
So I'm in a relationship. Been together about 21 months or something. She doesn't remind me every month like she use to, thank goodness, so now I
lose count. Been together however many months and living together for about 9, and I spend more time miserable than I do happy. She's not the
person she presented herself to be when we met. I knew this before she moved in but I thought I'd deal with it. I guess we all get a little
comfortable once the relationship is solid, but it's like ol' girl pulled a damn costume off in this piece!
I try to be patient. I try to deal with the sudden mood swings, I deal with the temper tantrums, I deal with childish behavior, and I do it all
because I know the woman I fell in love with is in there somewhere, but damn! Where does it end! My biggest fear is that there is some underlying
mental illness or emotional disturbance that she's not telling me about. If she would at least tell me than I could say Ohhhhh, okkkkk, no wooonder!
But then again it'd probably just tick me off that she'd wait this long and put me through all this *ish for so long.
We got into a huge argument yesterday. Don't even ask me what started it, all I know is I bout whooped her a*s and my fam had to intervene twice. I
dont want to break up. I love her and I want to make it work, but I'm not looking for drama. I appreciate peace too much to deal with this forever.
I'm out of ways to tell her. Shes in bed right now by herself, for the second night in a row.
She been here 9 months. Never asked her to get a job, she don't have to pay a bill, she don't have to pay for food, gas, NOTHING! All I want you to
do is appreciate me. Which brings me to tonights misery. I get off work at 5pm. I usually get home around 7, but lately I've been getting home
around 10-11. Tonight it was 1030. I walked into MY M-F-in house and it was a mess!!! My house looked like sh*t! I stepped out my car intending to
walk in the house and say, "babe, can we please stop fighting over stupid stuff..." (something like that). I opened the door and couldn't believe
my eyes. I hadn't eaten, I needed to wash my hair, still had some *ish to do for work, and my house looked like the guerrilla enclosure at the zoo.
If someone says to you, "do what you like just keep the house clean", what would you do? Let somebody tell ME that sh*t I know what I'd do! She
knows how I feel about keeping my house clean. She told me when we met she had OCD! You a OCD g**damn lie! When she first moved in I'd walk in from
work and she'd be vacuuming the living room, the kitchen was spotless, the bathrooms were clean, man my house was spotless!!! I can't get her to
clean nothing now. And I don't even know what happened. Why?
I'm sorry. I'm a patient person. I can deal with a lot and I can put up with a lot. But walking into MY HOUSE at 1030 at night and can't even
fix anything to eat cuz the kitchen looks like who did it is where I draw the line. This has been a source of contention in our relationship for
MONTHS now. At least 5 or six. She just stopped caring about cleaning.
And I don't know why thats whats pushing me over the edge as opposed to the rest of the stuff. Whenever the house is a mess, and it's frequent, I
can't even deal with her. I don't want to be around her, sleep with her or nothing, because with all of the discussion about it, AND ITS A LOT, I
know she leaves the house looking like that intentionally. Knowing the frame of mind it would put me in.
Right when I'm at that point where I can't stand it anymore and I'm ready to break up I can't. Cuz I remember the person I met and fell in love
with. Every now and then I think that person is back and then there's another melt down or temper tantrum. Tonight she broke the top off the
garbage can because I threw away a plastic bottle that had a gulp of some kind of juice she was drinking in it. It was just sitting on the table. I
was cleaning, the table had about 5 empty cups on it (!!), her plastic bottle, and some other stuff. All garbage as far I was concerned, but she went
crazy over this bottle. It was actually funny at first. I saw her go in the garbage to get it , I was like really? I went in the kitchen a little while after to mop the floor, the can was where I left it
but the top was on the floor a few feet away. I saw the top and picked it up, I walked it over to the can to reattach it and then that sadness set
in. Why would you get that emotional over a piece of garbage?
My sis said she acts that way because I leave her in the house, but I don't allow her to run the house. I give her no control over anything. I dont
know about all that. I think it's true to an extent, but moreover I think the b***h is crazy. While I love her and want do and say the right things
that would make her happy so that we can stay together, I'm not sure of how long I can hang. I don't want to come home and be miserable. My job is
stressful and I deal with so much.....
****Hey I'm finally a supervisor!!!! YEA!!!!*****
....I deal with so much at work, I don't want that stress to be compounded by stress in my home. It's just depressing me now.
Member Is Offline
Mood: "Everybody makes me sick..."
| posted on 11.8.2014 at 12:03 AM
The message was sent through towels.
My gf and I are still together. Be 3 years in Jan. Things got so bad. So, so, very, very, bad. It’s amazing how bad it got, and its amazing we
came through it. I was falling out of love, and to be honest, I’m mean to chicks who love me when I don’t love them. Because I don’t understand it.
What I know today though: she definitely loves me.
My towels are what I’m f’d up about tonight though.
My gf and I are both particular about sharing towels. She claims to be OCD, I on the other hand am just particular about cleanliness. Well in
addition to the two of us, there are additional human beings in the house…these additional human beings do not have the same standard of cleanliness
as I… let me just ……..one more time. Read whatever you want into that.
The way the house is set up is they are all one end of the house, my gf and I are on the other, and the common areas (kitchen, living room, dining
room) are all in the front. We don’t go to their end of the house much, but when we do it’s a mess. Usually I don’t let it bother me, because I’m
rarely down there and I don’t have to see it, but every now and then I feel the need to do something about it. I resist the desire by just returning
to either of my sanctuaries (my office or bedroom) and not thinking about what’s going on outside those doors; but today, TODAY, today was
I came home in a really good mood today. Things are going great with my gf, going ok at work, my hopes for the future were high, and you know what? I
wanted my house to reflect the mood I was in, so I decided to do some cleaning…on the other end of the house. First thing I did was throw a load of
towels in the wash………………………………
Lots went on while those towels were washing (including a fight with my gf), so I’m going to flash forward to pulling the towels out of the dryer and
folding them. I couldn’t understand what I was looking at. White towels, so filthy they were gray, and incapable of being turned white again.
Colored towels, don’t know WHAT happened to some of them, but some of them appeared to be bleached, so they were multicolored from fading! There was
towels in there that had dried up food or something in them, so caked in into the fabric that I couldn’t pull it out! Hand towels in the same
condition. You wash your face and your body with hand towels!!!
Here is why I am so sensitive about towels, because you never know how well people clean their sh*t! I don’t even use hotel towels! I don’t stay with
people when I visit, and I don’t use their towels while I’m there! I threw away 5 towels right then and there, and set aside another four to wash one
more time, and then they’ll go in the trash if they cant come out like new, too. Oh let me add, there were NO CLEAN TOWELS! The mfr’s don’t wash
unless they absolutely have to.
Yes this entire post is about towels. But its really not about towels at all.
I buy towels A LOT, because I’m so sensitive about them. I buy probably 15 – 30 towels a year, I washed maybe a third of all the towels I SHOULD HAVE
(because that’s all I could find), and a large portion of them were in a state that I wouldn’t touch them if I found them in someone elses house. Then
I got it. I heard the message loud and clear: these mfr’s don’t appreciate sh*t.
They came here with nothing! I gave them everything. They took care of none of it. Its painful. Yea you can thank me. You can proclaim my greatness
to heaven, but actions speak louder than words. EVERYBODY knows how I am about cleanliness. We lived out of cars when I was young, hotels, lived
with other people; we never had cars, couldn’t afford to ride the bus everyday so I walked to school EVERY SINGLE day for 3 years. We were POOR!
Everything we had came from other people, so my appreciation for having my own “stuff” has a whole other meaning for me. And you appreciate me by
appreciating my “stuff” they way I do.
This is that “people” sh*t that I don’t get.
Member Is Offline
Mood: "Everybody makes me sick..."
| posted on 4.19.2017 at 08:52 PM
Lasted 5 years.
Thats how long we lasted. Pushed to the edge over and over, and managed to hang, but a b*tch can only take so much.
Things were really bad for a couple of months. I've been ready to move on for a year though. I totally lost interest in trying to make it work. I
remained faithful though, and I remained respectful, but I would have been happily single if I could. Let her tell it she was miserable, too. I
stayed because I didn't have a choice, she could have gone at any time and didn't. And maybe she was miserable! Maybe. She sure worked hard at
trying to make me miserable, too. But thats how I knew i moved on. Nothing she did really bothered me. In fact it was pretty amusing at times, the
lengths she went to make me unhappy. And it worked at first. I was really convinced I was doing something wrong. Then I realized it wasnt me, it
was her all along.
I gave her everything she wanted and it was always, "what else you got?" Nothing I did was ever enough to make her happy. So last year I decided it
was no longer my responsibility to make her happy. I was only concerned with living day to day. I made sure the bills were paid. Mines. I stopped
paying hers, except her phone which was/is in my name. I made sure the house was clean. Made sure the dogs were fed, walked, trained, and happy.
Made sure the fish were fed, and their water was clean. Made sure the exterminator got rid of the roaches in the garage and the ants in the yard.
Made sure the grass was mowed. Made sure the garbage was picked up on Fridays. Checked the mail. Watched my favorite tv shows. Watched
documentaries. Read books. Studied Malcolm X. Luis Farakhan. Dr. Welsing. Dr Degruy. Visited my dad. Texted my sis. Called my bro. Wrote my
prison pen pal.
Eventually, she became a non-factor. She had a death in her family that she went home for. She was only suppose to be gone a couple of weeks. The
couple of weeks turned into months. I said, "Listen, you don't have the type of relationship that can withstand this much distance." She wanted me
to tell her I needed her to come back. I said, "Well, you can stay there as long as you please. But if you aren't back here in 7 days, I'm
putting your stuff in storage. And then you'll have a month from then to come get that, because I wont pay for more than a month."
She came back a few days later. Not what I wanted or expected, but I dealt with it. This was about 9 months ago. I said ok, she is in love still.
she's just unhappy. i think she has a mental illness. i've given her opportunity after opportunity to tell me what it is. she just wont. it was
my belief that she is ill that made me continue to stand by. shes definitely a hoarder, and i'm TOTALLY insensitive to that. that is one thing i
will not deal with. i throw a lot of things away that she is attached to. thats a huge source of contention. i just wont deal with that. and i
think she is bi-polar. and i try to deal with that though i'm not sure how to. when she gets mad shes like a little child. when i get mad i'm a
bull in a china shop. we had a disagreement one night and i heard her talking about me on the phone. i didnt appreciate it. so i started saying
every mean thing i could think of, culminating with me calling her a dumb b*tch. she decided to "act like" she was going to move.
i went to bed. i felt bad the next day though so i apologized for calling her a dumb bitch. nothing else. so she stayed. but anytime i got mad
after that i called her a dumb bitch. she eventually stopped sleeping in the bed with me. and i didnt care at all. but pretty much from that point
she became this thing sitting on the couch, and i couldn't stand the sight of her. couldnt stand the sound of her voice. didnt want to hear her
stories. didnt want to hear about her family. i just wanted the thing on the couch to gtfo of my house. i knew if i asked her to leave though it
would hurt her. i figured i would just keep doing me, and one day she'd break up with me and leave. she threatened to frequently, but never did. i
think she thought her threats meant something to me. they didnt.
and then one night i had enough. i became enraged at her about something and decided i had had enough. i dumped her. mind you, she had stopped
sleeping in the bed with me for about two months, and she only came in the room when i wasnt in it. well for some reason, that night after i dumped
her she decided to sleep in the room with me. so i went and slept in my office. and to this day, now 2 months later, she has slept in my bed every
night! why? she thought i was playing when i dumped her!! and i kind of had a feeling she thought i wasn't serious. because i was in the habit of
saying whatever came to my head when i was mad and then taking it back later. well the reality set in that we were actually broken up and she broke
down over it.
i didnt care. i'm the happiest i've been in years. and finally i asked her last night to gtfo of my room. there are three more rooms here! the
other roommates moved out long ago.
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