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KeepItOnALow
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[*] posted on 12.6.2005 at 10:41 PM



Where Do I Begin?


Well. I'm a talker. I love to talk and while I like to talk about all kinds of things I tend to gravitate mostly towards people with a more spiritual understanding of the world.


Today I'm talking to a friend of mines, (who I will call K) one of the few people on Earth who know of my sexuality and one of the few people who I can always expect to tell the truth. So I confide in him that I'm feeling a little lonely since I don't talk to my last couple of ""lady friends" anymore. Well K, who is a church deacon took this opportunity to begin preaching to me. I've heard what he said before in some fashion but not broken down the way he broke it down and I wanted to repeat it somewhere. Where else but here?

I say, "I'm feeling kind of lonely."
And he says, "Until you return to God you'll always be lonely."
mmmk. I'm biting. Why not?

He says to me, "Your a lesbian. You have homosexual relationships. Your relationships are not, have not, and will not be ordained by God. Your relationships will never last and they will never work because a woman was not set aside for you, a man was. You will meet a woman who you think your happy with because the devil in you wants you to feel that way, but your not happy and will never be. Case closed."

So he says all of that in one breath and I'm sitting there like :sarcastic: . Like I said one other person has used those terms with me before but not in that light. They were trying to be nice. LOL. But K let me have it. But I was confused. So I said, "OK, but what about these people (gays) who marry? You cant say they arent happy?!?"

He said, "What'd I just say? The devil is a liar. Case Closed."

So I know what case closed means this time and I left the subject alone at that point. But I've been thinking about it all evening. You know, some people get it the first time and some people learn the hard way, I'm one of those that learn the hard way. I know what he was saying to me, its been said to me numerous times but....I'm not about to stop dating women. Not today. I've done it before and I was happy too, but I cant stay away.


Its definately something to think about.




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KeepItOnALow
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[*] posted on 6.8.2006 at 08:29 PM
And You Should Love Me-Way More Than You Hate Me...


I titled this entry "you should love me..blah blah blah..because that one part of that song has been stuck in my head since about 5 this evening...

Well...I don't know what brought me to this site today. Havent been here in a while. Looks different. I posted enough to get rid of that newbie lable then I lost interest. Something brought me here today but I dont know what. So I'll just post something in my little blog.

Anyways.

I was suppose to be getting trained by this guy the other day at work on an aspect of the job that I dont do. Before he begins the training he decides to warn me about his one "character flaw". He goes,

"People have accused me of talking down to them when I talk. If I make you feel that way PLEASE tell me because its not intentional." Well what I know and what I've learned in my short life time is people who warn you about themselves really arent as bad as they think. He's an older guy. Fat, white, and has TERRIBLE teeth. :yuck: How could I allow myself to be intimidated by THAT! And even if he did get attitudeness with me I'd just ignore it. I'm a woman.

Well in the few days that I worked with him I DID notice that he was kind of snobby! LOL. A big, fat, white, SNOB. And he never bothered me one bit. Well TODAAAAAY...another woman in the office came to chat with me. This is a older black woman. She was small talking. I didnt catch much of the conversation because I was in a rush I just stood there and let her talk.....I was looking at her like this :) but I felt like this :mj: LOL. Like my mind was somewhere else entirely. But anyways, she brought me back to reality suddenly when she said,

"....blah blah blah...I know it seems like hes talking down to you but he knows so much..."

And I wanted to say to her oh he makes you feel like sh*t too, huh? LOL. I feel like this; a person can only make you feel as low as you LET them make you feel. All these mu'f*kkas got this dude thinking he can talk to them any kind of way and DISGUISE it as "talking down" to them. I knew from the jump he wasnt better then me. Thats all talking down to someone is. You think theyre beneath you so you talk down to them. I dont recognize that though. I'm bigger then that. He might know HIS JOB better then I know HIS JOB, but I know he isn't better then me so I never got the feeling he was talking down to me.

Hmm what else. I've been so busy lately that I havent seen any news. I saw today on CNN.com (my favorite website for news) that al-Zaqarwi was killed. Three thoughts came to my head.

1. I have to be honest the first feeling that came over me was happiness. I read that story and stared at the picture of his dead face with a huge grin. What kind of spirit would allow you to laugh at the thought of someone being killed? I dont know. I was imagining the spirits of the American soldiers that have died in this war pumping their fist and giving eachother hi-fives.

2. As I read the story The next thought I had was they killed a woman and child in this attack. Was it worth it? If the choice was mines to make I would have waited for another opportunity. Killing that guy wont bring an end to this war any sooner and I dont think his life was worth the innocent ones that went with him.

3. My third thought was I'll be glad when this war is over. I was tired of hearing about the Pope. I was tired of hearing about Teri Schiavo. I was tired of hearing about the Michael Jackson trial and now I'm tired of hearing about this war.

Ok I'm done rambling. LOL. Honestly I was bored with nothing to do and it seems everyone who has called me today wanted to talk about work. I needed some foolishness. Even if it was my own.
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[*] posted on 6.14.2006 at 09:14 PM


I'm Tired


I figured out today I need to find a way to send a message to my future self. FOR-REAL.

So I'm still training with these people but I'm with someone else now. A different older black lady. Very nice woman. Very nice, very polite, very sweet, and very kind. I like this lady a lot -- and not THAT kind of like. I just like her as a person. Shes a decent person. I'll call her "E". But if I could send a note to my future self it would say:

"Hey, you remember "E"? Don't be like her." LOL. Shes very bourgeois and I hate to even say that about anyone - especially her- but it's true.


Bourgeois

I don't like calling people that name. I think its just an ugly way of calling someone classy. Honestly if someone said it about me I'd say "Aww, thanks." (To myself of course) Theres an ugliness to that word, and its the ugly part of the word that makes me call her by it.

The first thing I noticed about her is she never went to others peoples desk to chat. This was odd to me because its very common place in my own office to find two or three people huddled at one desk talking. Of course theres work to do but theres always time for a break, right? The next thing I noticed is no one ever came to HER desk to chat with her! Which I thought was even worse. It was as if she wasnt there. They walk right by without saying good morning, good afternoon, hey girl or nothing. See, you can learn as much from things that ARENT happening as you can from what IS happening, and I'm VERY observant. Since none of those things were happening I learned that she wasnt very well liked.

Today I finally learned why. I think she decided yesterday that she and I are friends. And I dont mind that one bit because like I said I do like her. But today she loosend her tongue a little bit. In so many words she let me know that she thought she was better then her coworkers . And I actually got this feeling about her before. I've been working with her for a few days now and she always says this, "well some people do it like this but IIIII do it this way...." Like her way is the only way. She makes comments like that a lot. So to myself I've been saying, "She thinks shes better then everyone." But today SHE told me. A short run down of what she said: She thinks shes better then them, and she was upset that she was being passed over for promotions and was ready to leave her job.

Shes right to feel that wayif its true. Shes been there a shorter period then most of the people she works with and she knows WAAAAY more than they know. I only wish I was in a position where I could promote her because she deserves it. But that isnt my problem with her. And I dont think her job perfomance is THE problem either. I think she has a personality problem and THATS my problem with her.


I just hope when I get to be an older woman my family members and church pastor arent my only friends. At some point I think you stop caring about whether people like you or not and with age, and wisdom, and success I guess its ok to be that way. I just hope that thats never me.

:coffee:
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[*] posted on 8.15.2006 at 07:34 AM


Is It Healthy To Fantasize About Killing Someone?


I mean I'd never ACTUALLY do it! I have a coworker that I just despise. Not "T". I dont see much of "T" anymore, thank goodness. When she found out exactly how much I disliked her she stopped coming around completely, but I have a new nemesis now. Me and this thing fell out immediately after she joined us. Within days matter of fact.

I have to be honest, I'm psychotically controlling. I have complete control of myself (except my temper) and I try to control everything and everyone (LOL), so naturally I have a problem with people who try to control ME. I also have a problem with obese people! She is so fat and disgusting to me and I think that thats what my problem is with her.

When shes in the room I look at her like this :yuck:

If you cant control what you eat, and you cant control your activity then HOW DARE YOU try to control me!?!? When I say control me I'm saying that people hate that I dont do what they say. Even the people in positions higher then mines (I try to control them, too! LOL) and she's one of them. So in their efforts to "put me in my place" they tend to overstep their bounds. And I kick them right back over that sh*t, too. Unfortunately I go through this with damn near everyone. My good friend "K" told me that I'm the problem not them. :ummm: I guess.


The Fantasy

But this Thing. I'll call her Thing. I wish I could post her picture, she would make you SICK! She sure makes me sick. And when I see her I imagine myself stabbing her in her fat, nasty, stomache. I stab her in an upward motion, right? Like I'm gutting her from her lower abdomen and up. And she's trying to fight me at first so she doesn't run, trying to prove to me that shes not afraid. But I know she really is. But she can't fight me because I'm stabbing her too much and she's losing her energy. Suddenly she falls to the ground at my feet, still trying to fight me but I laugh at her because she looks so silly pounding away at my feet! And I just kick her and laugh at her while she cries.....

The fantasy usually ends right there. Thats the point where I feel bad that I'm thinking such foolishness. But I go through that everytime I see her disgusting looking self which is entirely too much. So. We didnt talk for a few weeks after we fell out, and then out of the blue one day she had the audacity to invite me to her birthday party!!

:rolling:

Ummmm

:nunchucks:

NO! LOL. Usually when I fall out with folks I can go back to being friends, but me and this Thing will never be friends. I hate her too much.

:wd:

And I have to get to work now. I got a question though. How come when people are posting something and they spell a word wrong they write (sp)? Your acknowledging that you KNOW the word is spelled wrong, but rather than look up the proper spelling you just leave it!?!? That irritates me half to death.
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[*] posted on 9.17.2006 at 09:45 AM


Long Post

I'm the happiest person in the world. I'M MOVING!!!! :ty:

Well not exactly. I'll leave for six months and come back, leave for another six months and come back, STAY HERE for another six moths and then leave for good. It's my job. I hate living here soooooo much. Mostly cuz the women here are garbage. I'm just looking for a good area to settle down in.


So anyways.

What happened to the topic activity? I didnt come here to post in my blog I just wanted to see what was exciting the world of the Cocoa Lounge today. Since I'm not sure I guess I'll excite it for a minute.

Update:

Me and the Thing are still on the outs. By my choice. She's trying real hard to be my friend but I'm not interested. I know for sure that I'm not the problem as "K" has suggested since NO ONE likes her. I delite in that. I know thats wrong but its the truth. I think she knows she isn't anyones favorites. She was a b*tch when she first got here, but now she's as nice as she can be to everyone. She wont get away with it with me though.

The FUNNIEST thing happened to me the other night. It was very, VERY, embarrassing, but still funny to witness. Luckily I was home alone!


So umm...


As I've noted in some earlier post I often nights have a hard time sleeping. So about three nights ago I took a mix of pills that I knew would at least make me drowsy (Not going to say what). One was prescription and two were over the counter. I had never done this before so I wasn't sure what would happen. And actually, LOL, I wouldn't know what happened if I didnt have a camcorder. Man, those dag-on pills made me a lunatic before they put me to sleep!

I dont know how long they took to kick in, but the last thing I definately remember was turning on the water to take a shower, and thats when hell broke loose. Everything I'm telling next is what I'm assuming happened from watching the video and finding my room in the state it was in the next morning.....

So after turning on the water I started hearing voices in the bathroom! Instead of just LEAVING, (in my altered state) I decided to pull out my camera and put it next to the bathroom (so if someone did something to me it'd be caught on video). Well I'm standing behind the camera and I'm talking to it, but incoherently mostly. I could decipher the part about hearing voices, I also told it (the camera) that whoever was in the bathroom turned the water off and was hiding behind the curtain. The water could clearly be heard running though. Suddenly, while still talking I just walk away from the camera. I see myself go stumbling to my dresser and get on the ground and start crawling around, I was doing SOMETHING but what I dont know. And then I head back to the camera. So after standing there and getting crazier by the minute I decided to just go in the bathroom, so I tell the camera in this (suddenly coherent) serious, authorative voice,

"OK! I'M GOING IN! Are you ready?" Apparently still talking to these people hiding in the bathroom. They didn't respond of course so I started yelling, "ARE YOU READY! ARE YOU READDDDYYYY!?!?" They never did respond so I just go into the bathroom, still stumbling, and I just stood there and stared at myself in the mirror! :ummm: I stood there a good 2 minutes and then I just walk out the bathroom, to the camera and turn it off!

I'm positive I didnt shower that night. I was wearing a shirt when I woke up the next morning and I dont dress after showering. The water was off when I woke up but I dont believe I ever got in it.

So I wake up the next morning (totally forgetting the night before) and go to use the bathroom. As I walk by the mirror I see dried up food on my shirt! A LOT! So I'm like what the?!? So I go back into my room and on my night stand is not one, but two empty cans of Chef Boyardee! One had a spoon in it, the other a fork. So I'm saying to myself, "Well, I dont remember eating that last night, but ok"! And then I was like, well damn how'd it get all over my shirt! Out the corner of my eye I see Ravioli and Beefaroni ALLLLLLLL OVER my bed! On the pillow case! In the pillow case! On my sheets! On my MINK BLANKETS (I sleep with two)! I'm standing there like what the f*ck happened in here!

So I turn around to go get my clothes hamper to get this stuff in the wash and I trip over the tripod for my camera! Its just on the floor with the camera still attached to it. "Please dont be broke!" :( As I'm picking it up I see it's in the on position. Battery was dead but it had been on. So I say to myself, well, maybe I was recording something. So I get it turned on and my facial expressions went like this:

:headscratch: :oo :lol: :roll: :yikes:

By the time it got to the end I was aghast. I deleted that *ish right there! Can't risk ANYBODY seeing this stuff! Only thing is it wasnt the end of what I had done that night! I turned the camera on AGAIN before I went to sleep! I have the camera pointed at the bed now. I'm talking coherently but I'm sick now! I walk off camera and to the bathroom and throw up but I dont realize I had (I dont see it on video I just hear it)! I hear myself throw up and then I say, "I feel sick!" LOL. But I'm also aware that somethings wrong, cuz I come back to the camera and say, "Damn I feel high!" At that point I get out of bed, do something off camera for about 5 minutes, forgetting the camera was on I guess, and then I come back to bed with what? A can of chef boyardee!!! I had chef boyardee, my backpack, and this jug of water I drink from at work! LMAO. And then I just turn the camera off and that was it. I slept on top of the blankets but found the water and backpack beneath them!


I kept that video since it wasn't too bad. Kind of gross hearing myself throw up though. I'm just glad I was home alone. When I was in my early twenties I was a very heavy drinker and I loved hearing the stories of the stuff I did when I was drunk. Too young and dumb to be embarassed. But I watched those videos like uggh!

:whistle:
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[*] posted on 2.13.2007 at 02:20 AM


Here I Go!!


Yea I haven't been on here in a minute. I think I logged on the other day, but I don't know for sure. I know I was getting ready to, but I don't remember if I actually did.


Yea I made my move and no the grass is not always greener! LMAO....:yuck: I hate this mu'f*kka. Well the place isn't bad actually, it's my co-workers that I hate. I'm with a different group of people now of course and ummmm....these people suck. That's all I'll say about them. That fat b*tch I mentioned before came here, too, but she's moved on already. Believe it or not I tried to be friends with her when we first got here but it didnt work. I disliked her to much, and everything she said said or did irritated me. Even when she said good morning to me I wanted to be like "kiss my a*s b*tch!." It's hard to be around people when you despise them. She left about a month after we got here and I haven't heard from or spoken to her since.


What else? Nothing. I'm ready to go already. Luckily I never intended to stay here anyway, but I'm not exactly sure where I want to go from here. I'm ready to settle down now. I'm tired of hearing my friends talking about buying houses, and family nights at home and stuff like that.

I noticed something else, too. I guess if I paid much attention to it before I would have noticed it already, but I try not to be in peoples business like that. I noticed men cheat on their wives a lot! I know men cheat, but I mean it's RAMPANT! That's gross to me. I got a guy that I work with who is ALWAYS looking for someone to cheat on his wife with. :yuck: He told me one day, "When I met my wife I knew she was the one!" But I'm like dude you cheat on her every chance you get!

I'm just rambling. I think I'm going to delete this account actually. I don't log on here hardly ever and I'm not to interested in this site anymore either. Not that I ever was. There was another site that I liked to blog on, but I got an email from them talking about I must upgrade my service and start paying for it! They didnt ASK me if I wanted to upgrade, they TOLD me I needed to. :ummm: Wha-wha-wha-what!?! I never signed on to that site again. Not even to copy the articles that I had written already. I'm not paying for jack online.

Ok I'm out. I got some *ish to do.

I saw The Color Purple a few weeks agofor the first time in years. I borrowed it from a friend and then I went out and bought it. Everyone should have that movie in their collection. :whistle: But you know I got something to say about it though! LOL. I always have something to say about a movie I've seen. Ok. Why did it take so long for Celie and Nettie to reunite? I understand that Mister hid Netties letters from Celie, but Celie thought Nettie might be dead! Why didn't Nettie get a message to Celie some other way? If it was me I would have been sending messages any which way I could, and through everybody! I know it's just a movie.


Ok I'm out for real now. Might not ever be back . I'll decide in another 5 months.
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[*] posted on 3.29.2007 at 06:37 PM


Yea if I'm signed on here I'm doing one thing: posting in my blog. It's just another one of those things that I can't discuss with anyone.


So...

I spend the last week driving from city to city visiting family who live all across Florida. I stay with "J" for a few days and everything goes beautifully every day until the night before I move on to the next city. We had been out all day visiting people and hanging out, and when we got home my homegirl from high school is at the house wanting me to go somewhere with her.

I tell "J", "Hey I'm going with her to drop so and so off, I'll be right back."
J says, "OK", and I leave.

So it's not like she expected us to be gone all night! I'm gone for all of 30 minutes. We come back and I open the door and I'm almost knocked out by a scent. In my mind I'm going, "Is it cigarettes? Is it black and mildís? Is it incense? I know that's not weed?!?!?!" With the last thought I immediately went into denial because I think I knew thatís what it was the moment I walked in to the house I just didn't want to believe it.

Well, I go to see where J is and I first walk into a one year old baby playing in the hallway! I go to J's room and I look around :ummm: , first to the window in hopes that it would be open and the scent was drafting in from outside. Nope, no smoke drafting in. Then I looked for a burning cigarette or black. Nope, no cigarette, no black. Then I turn to J and say, "WTF is that smell!?" She laughed at first and didn't say anything. My homegirl is in the living room still and I hear her take a breath and say, "Maybe its incense?" I said, "Naa, that not incense." I turn to J again and say, "What is that smell!" The smile disappears from her face and she goes, "Weed." Real plain like. I got a baby standing at my feet, and this mu'f*kka is in the house smoking weed like there is nothing wrong with it! The scent was throughout the house! And I swear it took all of my energy not to hop in bed with the mu'f*kka and beat her half to death.

But I didn't. I didn't jump her, hell I didn't even say anything I just grabbed the baby and left. I wound up staying in a hotel that night because I didn't want to have to explain to anyone why I wasn't staying with J.

*sigh*

You ever have to ask yourself, "How can I be related to this person?" I find myself thinking that ALLLL the time. I don't see how I'm related to half of the people I'm related to. I got cousins in prison for rape and murder, I've had a FEW cousins go to jail for murder (only one remains). Numerous cousins in and out of jail for dealing drugs, gang activity and any other felony activity you can think of. My bro is promiscuous, my sis is promiscuous and a few other things! But I'm the odd one!?! :uglyazzwoman: I've had my moments in my life as we all have, but damn, when do you outgrow that phase?

I was so sickened with J that I left her house the next day. I was unable to carry a conversation with her that day and have been unable to since, but what do you say? Do you waste time saying, "Hey you shouldn't be smoking with babies in the house?" Do you waste time saying, "This drug is interrupting your life in ways that you probably don't even recognize?" I think people who use drugs are only thinking about how the drug is affecting their life today, but what about tomorrow? What about those good jobs that you can't apply to because you have to be tested before you'll be accepted? Thatís the kind of job I have! If I get tested and that sh*t is in my system I'm out of a job!!! But she didn't think of that before she sparked that sh*t up and let me walk in to it.

J is one of those people who don't want to hear that they need to straighten up. Talking to her is a waste of energy. I can only imagine how often she sparks up around kids. And her friends, too! She introduced me to a friend of hers who has 3 kids, and I didn't like her from the moment she walked in the house. SHE WAS FINE! Whew, she was fine...but gave out bad vibes. I only see J once or twice a year and if we weren't related I wouldn't associate with her at all. I can only imagine what her life would be like if my dad and I weren't a part of it. I think she's doing "as well" as she is today because she doesn't want to disappoint us, but now I wonder just how disappointed I should be. My heart was broke that night.


**sighs**

So anyways. I just needed to vent.

How many post do I need to make three stars? I think I may start working on that.
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[*] posted on 6.24.2007 at 10:58 AM


Whew boy! I need to sign on here more often. I couldnít remember my log in for nothiní!


*sigh*

I must be the boredest person on planet Earth right now. I donít believe ďboredestĒ is a word, but itís the only slang that can describe how bored I am. Iím bored and kind of sad. How come I called I donít know how many people yesterday and NOT ONE of them answered their phones! Not only did no one answer their phones but also no one returned my messages either!! Whatís that about? Hmm. I wonít bug about it, but itís the reason Iím so bored right now.

So Iíve spent the last 2 Ĺ hours listening to some of my favorite music from the 90ís. Todayís music canít touch any of that. Iím listening to Creep right now, and I noticed for the first time in my life that the title of the album was ďCrazySexyCoolĒ. I always thought it was ďCrazy, Sexy, CoolĒ. Leave it to us to make 3 words 1 word. I love that album. I listened to some old Salt-N-Pepa, too. ďYou know life? Itís all about expression!Ē I bet yall old a*sses forgot all about that song.

Anyways

I donít have anything interesting to talk about. So Iíll just let you in on some of the things thatís been going through my head for these last 24 hours.

Sometimes I feel sorry for people who try to carry a conversation with me. LMAO. Seriously, I think about 50% of the time Iím really not listening to anything anyone says. I use all those comments that give the ďimpressionĒ that Iím listening but quiet as itís kept Iím really not. If youíre talking to me and all I say is, ďuh-huhÖfor real?...no he didnít!...UH-UHHHH!Ē LMAO, Iím probably not listening. I tend to lose interest in folks kind of fast, but the best way to keep my interest is with good conversation and if you donít have it lata for ya!

Why do hair stylist feel the need to talk incessantly while doing hair? I know I may sound mean or maybe even anti-social but I really am not. I just donít want to talk while Iím getting my hair done!! ďHey, how you been?Ē is all the conversation I need! You do my hair while I read this book.

Speaking of books. Iím kind of afraid to go out today. Iím reading a book by Asha Bandale called, ďDaughterĒ. The girl in the book has a situation similar to mines in that sheís bored and she calls all of her friends and none of them responds to her, so to escape the boredom she goes out for a jog and ends up getting shot by a cop who thinks she's running from him. So now Iím like, what if that happens to me? :ummm: I don't think I'll get shot by a cop, but I mean what if something stupid happens?

Oh I do have an interesting story; Iím going to make another post for it because itís long.


BRB
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[*] posted on 6.24.2007 at 11:59 AM


Very Long Post

Ok, this is a long a*s story.

I just remembered I wasnít exactly lonely this weekend. I hung out with a male friend last night. Heís straight and he thinks I am, too, but of course Iím not. :gay2: I donít particularly like being around men because theyíre all the same, but I was bored last night so I bit the bullet. The following story is just an example of why men make me sick.

Anyways Iím bored, so I go to his place to hang out and talk; hmm, Iíll call himmmmm KG. This is the second time Iíve been to KGís place. Well apparently the last time I was there I implied that I would allow him to give me oral sex. I do remember this conversation, only thing is I didnít know that this was what we were talking about! LOL. Yes Iím slow sometimes. When we had that particular conversation it was the first time we were hanging, so sex shouldnít have been apart of any conversation at all, right? He didnít come right out and say he wanted to go down, or give me oral sex or however folks term it these days, what he said was, ďNext time you come over here you think you can bring me something to eat?Ē :wtf: See what I mean? Oral sex was the furthest thing from my mind when he said that, so I said, ďYea I can do that?Ē I should have suspected something more when he followed with, ďYou sure you can handle that?Ē I was like yea, damn!

Now fast forward to last night. After being ignored by all my friends yesterday, I decided to just go hang with him. I go in and it was an ok visit at first. We just talked about what heís been doing since the last time I saw him (which has been over a month) and little trivial stuff. I was sitting at his computer while he was lying on his couch. Well he wanted to show me something on his computer but I was sitting at it in such a way that he couldnít get to it. The chair I was sitting in was a swivel chair and he could have easily grabbed the chair to move it but he didnít. He didnít have to touch me at all but he did which made me VEEEERY uncomfortable. Instead, he put his very large hands on my shoulder (his fingers extended down to my very large breast) and turned the chair by turning my body in it. The inappropriate contact did not stop there. Instead of just asking me to slide over because I was in his way, he leans on me to reach the keyboard, well while heís leaning on me I could feel his very hard penis on the back of my arm! Of course the visit was over at that point! I slid away from him of course and started trying to come up with a reason to leave immediately.

I had already told him no one was talking to me so I couldnít act like I had some place to go, and I didnít bring my phone in so I couldnít act like I had a phone call! I didnít know WHAT to do! Soooo, I just let him show me whatever it was he was showing me and then I was like, ďOk, itís getting late I have to go.Ē This dude asked me about 15 questions trying to keep me there! So Iím casually answering his questions and all the while inching towards the door. He some how winds up between the door and I, and heís standing over me giving me ďthe eyeĒ. Iím 5í2 myself, heís about 6í4 or 6í5 and has to weigh close to 250 lbs. Heís a big dude, and Iím not EVEN going to lie, my a*s was scared!! He reaches pass me to the table and picks up a remote, hits a button and suddenly some Luther Vandross song is playing! Getting more scared. I was so scared I was shaking. I donít think he could see how nervous I was, he was just giving me that look and he started singing along with the music, all the while inching closer to me. As heís stepping towards me Iím stepping back from him.

KG: ďYou should show me how to dance.Ē (1 step forward)
Me: ďI donít know how.Ē (2 steps back)
KG: ďYea you do! All Florida women know how to dance.Ē (2 steps forward)
Me: ďApparently not because I canít.Ē (3 steps back)
KG: ďWell show me how to grind back and forth.Ē (1 big step forward)

He grabs my arms at that point, pulls me to him, he places my arms around his waist while he puts his arms around my upper body. Heís leaning over and I donít know if he was trying to get a better hold on me or if he was trying to kiss me; he wasnít holding me too tightly so I just pulled away from him fast and moved a few feet back away from him. I said, ďI CANíT DANCE!Ē Mind you, Iím getting further and further away from the door, heís still between me and it, and now Iím in a spot where I couldnít even get around him if I wanted to. Weíre back by the computer at this point, and I think I startled him when I yelled I canít dance, so he jumped back and said, ďOk, ok!Ē And then he just sat down at the computer chair still giving me that look.

On a scale of 1-10 of fear, I was at about 9 at this point. I was at 12 when he grabbed me, but when he let me go my fear started going away. So I repeat that Iím going to go and start to walk around him. He had his legs crossed and extended so I had to step over him to get by. I get both feet over him and I try to keep walking to the door but he grabs my arm and pulls me to him again. Uggh he was disgusting me at this point. So he grabs me and pulls me to him again, he pulled my body very close to his and he grabbed my leg to hold me there, tightly this time. I need to interject here that the only reason I didnít punch him in his face or something is because he is so much bigger than I am and I was scared so I was just trying to play it cool.


KG: ďYou going to leave without feeding me?Ē
Me: ďHuh!Ē
KG: ďI havenít ate yet!Ē
Me: :ummm: Iím thinking heís gone crazy now and maybe Iím not going to see another day!
KG: ďYou donít even remember what you said last time you were here?Ē
Me: (I had forgotten) ďWhat? I canít cook so I know I didnít tell you I was cooking!Ē

This is where he told me that I said he could go down on me. He didnít use the ďbring me something to eatĒ analogy this time; he came right out and said it. NOOOOOW I know why heís gotten so aggressive all of a sudden. He was under the impression I was there to do something with him. I told him flat out, I had no idea that was what we were talking about and kindly let him know that there was NO chance at all of it happening.

He took it in stride. He still hadn't let me go and was now rubbing on the back of my thigh looking like this: :drool: I just pulled away from him and headed for the door again. I was moving that time! I was like, ok I'll see you later.

Unfortunately I'll HAVE to see him again because I have a book that belongs to him. :cry:

This is always my experience with men, and I'm smart enough to know that it's me! If every man behaves this way when I'm alone with them (and they do) then I must be doing something wrong but I don't know what.
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[*] posted on 6.25.2008 at 08:16 PM


OMG!! This Is Too Funny !!

I haven't been on here in almost a year! I couldn't even remember how to add a new blog post. This site is funny.

But anyways....I got thangs on my mind tonight!!



I Wish I Could Be Someone Else.

My anger embarrasses me sometimes. I just feel like Iím not allowed to be angry, but I get angry all the time. VERY angry.

Today was an absolutely terrible day for me, but if I said what happened people would look at me like I was all the way crazy. I want to call my dad and tell him what happened, but heíd only make it worse. He has this habit of trying to lessen the significance of an incident because he thinks it will calm me down; however, all it really does is make me feel silly for being upset at all. Ha-Ha. Maybe I should tell him he only makes me angrier when he does that.

Anyways. I said my anger embarrasses me because why should I be angry? Sometimes I sit on the couch in my living room, I look around me, and I marvel at all that I have. I live alone. I have a great job that allows me travel all over the place!! My bills donít hurt my pocket at all. I got a nice car that Iím constantly putting more money into, and Iím about to buy another one! Why? I think I should have two cars. About once a month I go through my closets, I bag up clothes and shoes that I havenít worn and throw them into one of those clothing bins at Walmart. I donít even want to talk about all the money I spend going out to eat. Hell, letís talk about the money I spend on food to put in the house that only gets thrown out after a week.

I have a good relationship with my family. Everyones healthy...pretty much...My job is going well, and I'm moving again soon. I think I've finally gotten sick of traveling though.

Iím just saying I have so much, but tonight Iím angry.

People are homeless. People are starving. People are sick. People are dying. People canít find jobs. People are losing their homes. People are being raped. People are being discriminated against. People are being robbed. Peoples utilities are being cut offÖIím sure I could go on and on.

Thereís so much going on in the world. People are going through some of everything, but sometimes I wish I could be one of them. Someone with real problems. Then Iíd feel like its ok for me to be angry.

Yea. I just wanted to let this out somewhere. I'm very angry and I wanted to talk to someone, but tonight I'm just not in the mood to be told to my face that I'm being silly.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So anyways. I read my last blog and I thought I'd update what happened with KG. That mu'f*kka STALKED me! For a month that dude stalked me. E-V-E-R-Y place I went he popped up there. FOR REAL!! OMG it was disturbing. Every single day, no matter where I went he was there.

I didn't notice at first. It was happening for about 2 weeks before I noticed. What made me notice was I was going to out to eat one day for breakfast. I was walking across the street but I was looking down, I think I was adjusting my clothes. Next thing I know I hear someone clear their voice real loud. I look up and this dude has his car just stopped in middle of the street! I look at him, and I'm seeing all these cars behind him and it hit me: "Why is he here? Wait a minute! I just saw him yesterday!" I mean, until then it was unusual to see him more than a few times in a month but I had seen him everyday for weeks. So he's sitting there blocking traffic and says to me, "I really need to see you tonight." :ummm:

That old fear I had started creeping up my spine....

I'mma finish this tomorrow. LOL. I don't feel like sitting here anymore.
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[*] posted on 6.29.2008 at 01:29 PM


A Very Very, Very Long Post

Ok, so let me finish this story about KG. I found out that guy was a complete nut.

Before I do thatÖ.LOL. I want to tell what happened to me this morning. So umm, Iím on my way out to get something to eat, right? When I jumped in the car I realized my tank was on ďEĒ. Itís been on ďEĒ since Friday so I say I might as well get some gas today before I be ass-out somewhere. So I know of a place where the gas is a good 7 cent less than anywhere else, but itís too far away so I stop at the nearest gas station and Iím going to put about $6 dollars in the tank, just to hold to tomorrow when Iím closer to the other station. So I get to this gas station, I get out the car and I leave the door open while I fill the tank. Well just as I put the hose in the tank and lock the lever in place (which I shouldnít have done), I turn around just in time to see a huge bug fly into my car. It flew in through the driverís side and went straight to the passenger side, so Iím like ďOh sh*t let me let this thing out!Ē I run to the passenger side and just as I open the door I see the bug fly back out the drivers side. Ok, whatever. I go back to gas tank to see if I need to stop it yet, and do you know in about the minute it took me to run around my car (thatís all I did essentially) I put $18 in that tank!!! I was in SHOCK!! I just stood there for a second staring at the amount with my mouth open like, ďHow the hell did I lose $18 in a minute!!Ē And in that second I was standing there in awe, I lost another $4. Oil industry is garbage!!!

So anyways, back to KG.

Yea I found out that dude was a total nut case, and thank God Iím a lesbian!! (LMAOÖI know, I know.) Yea, Iím glad Iím a lesbian, because KG kinds of has it going on. My man told me he makes $14,000 a month! True? I donít know, but his lifestyle supports it. He has a real nice house, a nice car, a truck, and a motorcycle; heís otherwise a good guy, if I was straight AND DIDNíT KNOW HE WAS CRAZY, Iíd take him!!

So anyways, Iím on my way to breakfast one morning and somehow he intercepts me in middle of traffic. He clears his throat real loud and I look up totally surprised to see him there. So I didnít move any closer to his truck I just stopped (in middle of the street) and said hi. He doesnít say hi or good morning or nothing like that, he comes out with, ďI need to see you tonight.Ē I didnít say anything at all I just stood there, but I THINK my face might have said ďYouíre scaring meĒ. So he says, ďItís not about you or us or anything, Iím just going through something right now and I need some advice.Ē So I say, ďOk.Ē, although I had no intention of going to his house.

Well as the day went by and I thought about it more, I decided Iím not the type of person to say Iíll be there for someone and not be there, because I would hate for someone to do it to me. So by the time I got off work that evening I decided Iíd go to his house and see what was wrong. This is when I found out just how nutty this guy was.

This n*gga came to the door with nothing but his boxers on! I've said before that this is pretty big dude, but not a sexy kind of big! Not Morris Chestnut big, or Terrel Owens big, I mean Rueben Studdard big! Bwahahahaha. Iím talking Biggie Smalls big. So to see him in his boxers was disgusting. So I go in and go to my normal spot at the computer. I like to sit there because he canít sit next to me when Iím sitting there. And this is the story he tells meÖI canít word-for-word it like I did before because I donít remember it like that but Iím going to give the gest of the story. So this dude was trying real hard to get with me, why? Guys like me because Iím 29 years old, to their knowledge Iím single, Iíve never been married, I donít have kids, I live on my own of course, and Iím paid. Well, all the time he spent trying to get with me he had a girlfriend!!! Wha-a-a-at!!! Iím thinking Iím special and this dude had another woman. But the difference between she and I of course was he was supporting her. I actually knew the b*tch, and I happen to know she was a ho, too! And that is where the problem he was having lied. He was taking care of the tramp and come to find out she was using him for his money AND cheating on him with one of his friends. Another guy with money, mind you, and neither of them knew. So she moves away, and their relationship was long distance. He says he went to breakfast with his friend one morning and they got to talking about their gfís, and he realizes the friend is telling him a lot of things similar to olí girl. So he some way somehow he gets the guy to tell him olí girls name and thatís how he found out they were talking about the same b*tch.

This is where it gets funny. He didnít tell his friend they were messing with the same female. He just goes back home after breakfast and calls her and confronts her. She hangs up on him. Sometime goes by and they talk again and she convinces him that sheís going to break up with the other guy and stay with him. So what does KG do? *giggles*

He PROPOSES to the b*tch!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAÖHe proposed to this clown.

So I guess everything is fine in the mean time, but a couple of days later while at work, he approaches the friends desk and finds a Yahoo IM window open. He has the audacity to READ it, and low and behold, itís a message from olí girl. She HASNíT dumped dude, theyíre still together and sheís professing her love to him. So now KG has snapped. I need to mention that all of this happens during the 2 week period after my last post about him (6-24-07) and the day he tells me all of this. So he snaps, and he goes home and heís suicidal I guess. Heís good friends with his neighbor, he says heís so distraught that he needed to call his neighbor to have him come over and get all of his guns out of the house cuz he was afraid of what heíd do. I had no idea this fool had any guns at all, and he got me in there. But guess what, just as he tells me about the guns, what do I see across the room on a bookshelf IN THE LIVINGROOM!!! A muthaf*kkin 9mil !! Iím like oh nooooooo, I gotís to be out of here now. LOL.

So very long story short he calls olí girl and breaks up with her over the phone. He told me in the couple of months he was with her he spent tens of thousands of dollars on her. He even paid to move some of her family around. Not one family member, not two, but 3. And not from one house to another, I'm talking across statelines! So he tells me the whole story and then asks me if he should get back with her. :ummm:

I tell him in so many words I wouldn't recommend getting back with her, I mean she's using him! He got mad at me!!! HE-GOT-MAD-AT-ME!! I don't know if it's what I said or how I said it, but my man told me I don't listen well, I give terrible advice and I'm dumb! :wow: He's getting totally played by this chic but I'm dumb? Boy stop!

I mean, I can laugh at the *ish now because it's so old. But I was afraid that night. His entire attitude changed, and I couldn't understand what it was about. ANNND there was a gun in the room with us. So I start trying to leave like I always do, and as always he wasn't letting me. He start doing his 20-question thing, but everything I was saying was pissing him off more. So finally I just got up and left.

Buuuuuuut.....Buuuuuuuuut.....He continued to stalk me. When I say this guy showed up everywhere I went I mean EVERYWHERE! The only place I didn't see this clown was my job. He didn't know where I lived thank goodness, although I found him out side of the complex I lived in. He told me he was trying to see something on his roof. :ummm: Eeee-yea.

So, after a month I finally just stopped leaving home. Except to go to work. I stopped going out to eat, I stopped going to the gym, and stopped doing any and everything that could possibly make us cross paths. That lasted a few weeks. Once I started coming out again I never saw him anymore. I had to go a different way home, because I use to go by his house. I had to start going another way entirely. I know he still lives there but I never saw him again.

:ty: :wizard:

WTH happened to the smilies?
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[*] posted on 7.16.2008 at 11:39 PM


This is how I felt when I first signed on...

I just returned from the police department. I ought to call my dad but I'm not in the mood for his keep your chin up speech right now.

Today was a great day...

Great day turned into a great evening...

Great evening turned into a terrible night...

I have 2 days to go in this city....

I get a totally unexpected call at 930pm telling me I need my place packed by 10am...

I immediately get up to start packing all that I can before the movers get here (an entire day early!!). Figure I'll just spend the night packing, then get a hotel and sleep tommorrow...

I run out at 10pm to grab some garbage bags, 16 bars of soap, and duct tape...

Forgot the garbage bags...

1030pm I go back out to get the garbage bags...

Drive-by some useless, probably good for nothing d*ck-heads who thought it would be a good idea to shoot at my car...

2 days To Go has now turned into However Many Days It Takes to Replace My Window....



Why?

I want to wonder why? I want to cry why? I want to yell and scream why?

Some guy I went to church with a long time ago told me(us) to never let "why" escape you when you feel like you're going through and blah, blah, blah...I feel like I've kept to that all these years, but on the same token it's been a loooooong time since I've gone through. At least since 2000. I thought it was because I changed my way of life and way of thinking.

I give! I give any and everything. Homeless people ask for money I give it. Family needs help with rent, I give it. I went through my storage this month and got rid of nearly EVERYTHING. If it wasn't an absolute necessecity I gave it away.

I don't whine. I don't lie. I look after people....Man, I can go on and on...

I'm not perfect, but I really thought that my life had been going so well because of the changes I made....................................................................................



Wow. I have to stop this right here. It took me about 10 minutes to type all that and I feel so much better. As I typed "but I really thought that my life had been going so well", a thought came to me:

*My life has not changed!*

MY.....LIFE....HAS NOT....CHANGED!!!!!

I COULD have crashed and not been found till the morning! I don't know where that bullet went! It's probably in my car somewhere, but it COULD have easily gone through my head! It COULD be stuck in my body right now!! I COULD be on an operating table right now! I COULD be paralyzed right now! I COULD be dead!

To only be inconvenienced for a few days seems like a blessing now. To only be out of a few hundred dollars seems like a blessing now. Some people get shot at and don't get a chance to be angry about it. Wow.

And another thing. I got to see first hand "Law and Order" is garbage! "CSI" is garbage, too! I went to the PD they didn't even attempt to look for the bullet! I'm almost sure it's in my car because theres no indication that it went out! I actually called 911 from my car and that dude told me, "Well I'm sure they're gone now, just come to the police station and file a report!" :wow: WHAT THE FREEZY!!!!

And the guy who did the report said the same thing. "We'll send some cars out but I'm sure they're gone." I wasn't very helpful though, either. I was so angry I couldn't even talk. I don't think I ever even looked in the cops direction. Hell, I didn't even know it was a bullet!! I thought a rock did all that. The cop put his pen through the hole (that I hadn't seen), and said, "Thats a ___!" I blanked out so I didn't hear his exact words. I know what he was about to say though.

Anyways, I feel better. I'll call pops in the morning.
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[*] posted on 7.16.2008 at 11:40 PM


I'll probably be crying again in the morning when I look at my car again..........

But for now I feel better.
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[*] posted on 7.21.2008 at 08:13 PM


Well.....


I think I'm totally over that incident now. I wish it didn't happen, but if it had to happen I'm glad it happened when it did. I only had a couple of days before it was time for me to move, and leaving there helped. I was there for 3 days afterwards, and it was a very, very, very difficult 3 days.

It's hard to explain what I went through. During the day I felt fine, but I also had some slight paranoia. When I went out in public it seemed like I was trying to find who shot at me. I'd try to see if people looked at me and recognized me, and I watched how people would react to seeing my car.

Nights were even worse. I was terrified at night. I wouldn't dare leave home after the sun went down, but I also felt like a prisoner in my home. Sounds that I heard all the time nearly gave me heart attacks. I was running to the windows and checking the doors every 30 minutes. Like the ice falling in the tray in the freezer? I had to turn that off! How bad I wanted to call someone to come and sit with me, but my fiercely independent self wouldn't allow me to. I only told a few people aside from the po-po; my dad and two close friends, and I guess I just didn't want people to see me so vulnerable.

It's so difficult to explain right now what my nights were like because I can only explain the feelings when I was having them. I had already stayed up all night Wednesday night (for another reason), but following that incident I didn't sleep a wink Thursday or Friday either. The lack of sleep and stress of moving all culminated into an episode of hallucinating and my body totally shutting down on me Saturday morning. I just remember it was about 4 in the morning and I had been up all night packing some last few things. I was sitting on the floor under the window in my room and I was trying to pick up something and put it in a bag. I was reaching for it but couldnt grab it. I knew something was wrong but I didn't really know what, I just kept trying to grab whatever it was. Finally after what seemed like 5 minutes of trying to get this object into the bag I decided to quit trying and take a break. I TRIED to stand up but couldnt, so I crawled to the other side of the room where I had music playing on my computer. I remember sitting there trying to change the song, and recognizing that my heart was beating really fast. My heartbeat was abnormal and I was trembling really bad, and I just collapsed backwards. I was VERY uncomfortable so while trying to find some comfort I crawled to a third side of the room where all my clothes were folded and ready to be packed. I threw them into a pile, lied on top of them, and made a pillow out of two pair of jeans. I was breathing hard, my heart was pounding away, and my entire body ached. And while I lied there people started appearing around me. :ummm: They'd just appear and disappear. Sometimes talking to me (in a different language), sometimes they weren't. I just lied there watching them because I couldn't move. I'm not sure how long, I remember seeing the clock at 430, 500 and 520. I WOKE UP at 615 though, so I fell asleep at some point.

Oh yea, I hadn't really eaten in those 3 days either. Just motrin and Red Bulls. I got my window fixed on Friday thank goodness. As soon as I was ready I got on the road and left. I still haven't ventured out at night, but I don't think it's fear. I'm not afraid anymore. Being able to leave there helped tremendously.

I don't know why I'm typing here. I guess I'm happy that I can sleep night.



:winner:



Well enought about that. That episode is over. I'm in a new episode now. I gotta come back and blog about this new place I live now. Never in my damn life!!! I live in a white community now...:td: It's soooo different than black communities! White folks are weirdos!

I'll save that for another day.
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[*] posted on 2.25.2011 at 11:45 PM
I Have Something on My Heart


I just want to write this here because I feel too bad about it to share with anyone. Ok so, one of the supervisors at work got fired today. Ultimately its because of his performance, but our turning on him had A LOT to do with it, too. I'll call him "ST"

Maybe he wasn't ready for this job? I'd say as much. He's an imbecile and a moron. He should have NEVER gotten this job. He is totally and COMPLETELY incapable of making a decision on his own, he is bereft of any logical thought, he's an idiot and a jackass!

The last guy in his position was fired as well. The last guy was fired and someone else (a third guy) was suppose to take his position, but ST came in and plotted and schemed and got the job. He's a brown-nose and a do-boy and was perfect for this position....or so they thought.

I started seeing problems from the jump. He lies a lot. I didn't know what he was hiding then but I do now. I'd tell everyone, "Look, he's just as bad as the last guy. He can't be trusted." No one listened. He was so threatened by the third guy that he started slandering his reputation. Saying he was doing things that he wasn't. Saying he wasn't doing his job. Throwing him under the bus. Giving him TERRIBLE evaluations. STs scheme worked and the third guy was fired. That was especially painful to me because he and I were good friends.

This is when the truth about ST started coming out. ST had someone else (a fourth person) doing his presentations. This fourth person was doing EVERYTHING for ST. He'd make everything all nice and pretty and professional looking, and then ST would present it like he did it. What ST didn't know was this fourth person was after his job! However, he had gotten so tired of STs incompetence he started doing his own plotting and got himself moved somewhere else entirely. So the fourth person leaves suddenly, and now ST was expected to do his own job! This isn't where the walls started falling down for him though. It started before that.

See, in the fourth persons bid to get STs job, he started saying and doing things that made the rest of us dislike him. A lot of people (not me) still liked ST at that time. They were telling ST what the fourth guy was doing, but he needed the guy so bad he wouldn't listen to anyone. So essentially, the fourth guy made an ally of ST, and turned ST on us which in turn made us turn on him! See where I'm getting? The fourth guy stirred up all this mess AND THEN HE LEFT!

So now everyone has turned on ST, no one will work for him, no one will work WITH him and he's pretty much in over his head because other people have been doing his job for him thus far and he has no idea what he's doing. Which brings us to about a week ago. Myself and one other guy (lets call him SR) have enough knowledge between the two of us to keep ST on track. The problem is we're drained! TOTALLY DRAINED because you offer to help ST and all of a sudden it's your show. And when things dont go right or dont go as planned, ST doesn't step up and say, "Hey this was my responsibility." No he doesn't do that, he throws everyone under the bus. So I stopped helping or caring about him months ago and now SR, who is a great guy is the only one in our office who will help ST anymore. Well a week ago ST drops the ball on something and SR does his best to help but ST only mucks it up more with his incompetence. Well when he is confronted on it he blames everything on SR. SR doesn't except this and tells the whole story and very very very long story short, ST gets fired today.

But why do I feel bad? We turned on him.

We turned on him.

We turned on him.

We turned on him.

We turned on him.

We turned on him.


Ultimately, STs problem wasn't that he was a bad person. Deep down he wasn't. He wanted to be liked by us, but he wanted to be LOVED by the people he worked for. His priorities were wrong. His problem wasn't the fact that he was absolutely wrong for this job. His problem is he lacks intelligence. He'll TRY to do anythiing anyone tells him, but he lacks the intelligence to complete anything in any kind of logical manner. Dumb people don't always know they're dumb, right? They get by in life with their charm and attitudes and people let them slide when they make mistakes because, "he's a great guy!"

Everyone in our office has at some point or another made a complaint on ST. ALL OF US!! But his superiors wouldn't do anything. They'd say, "Oh he needs more training," "hey you guys need to be patient," "you guys aren't being loyal." So we all said f*ck it! Everyone one of us said f*ck it, and last week he messed up ROYALLY.

I could have helped. I was there that day. I was sitting right at my desk and witnessed it all. SR could have helped. He was there that day. We both sat at our desk with our heads down and watched him make mistake after mistake. I guess I was hoping someone would finally see this isn't an OJT type of job. Maybe they'd put him back at the position he was suppose to start at to begin with and let him work his way up like everyone else. That didn't happen though. He was fired.

He was fired and I'm sick to my stomach over it. I want to cry over it. Did I want him gone? Yes! Absolutely. But not like this. And to make matters worse, it's not like you're fired pack your stuff and go. It's more like, "You have a month to finish up the projects you're working and then you can go." And he's so dumb he's actually going to continue working! LOL. Thats how dumb he is. He was so pitiful today. Came out of his office twice. We were making fun of him at first because we didn't know he was fired. We didn't find out until after lunch. It's been all I could do to keep myself occupied because I don't want to think about it. My eyes are watery as I type this.

We turned on him.

Maybe if I wasn't there that day I wouldn't feel so bad. Maybe I wouldn't so feel bad if I hadn't sat on my hands when I knew one phone call would have fixed everything.

*sigh*

tonight i hate myself
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