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KeepItOnALow
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waving.gif posted on 10.12.2005 at 09:53 PM
Sooo...


Well...right now I'm just lying in bed waiting to fall asleep. I doubt I will anytime soon though because I took some migraine medicine earlier this evening that keeps me awake...and I'm thinking...:sarcastic:


so a long long long time ago i did something that i NOW consider terrible (i didnt think it was bad at all back then). I do regret it now and its been on my mind all evening.

im not a deeply religious person but i do believe that you reap what you sow and so naturally ive always felt that i would be punished for what i did. i didnt know how or when, i just knew that i would.

well tonight it hit me as i undressed from work : regret is my punishment. i think that because its a terrible feeling. of course i cant take back what i did, and i cant make it better, and i cant make it up with anybody. all i can do is regret it, and regret is a terrible feeling when you cant do anything about it.


:sarcastic:




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[*] posted on 10.14.2005 at 12:04 AM



So here I am fighting insomnia a second night in a row.

As you can see I sit up and think about *ish when I cant sleep....retarded *ish :freak:


Tonight I'm considering scary movies. I hate when a charachter gets killed right, and then they magically come back to life and turn out to have been the killer all along! And so I'm thinking to myself: Why didnt anyone check to see if the person was dead? When you happen upon a dead body...YOUR FRIEND NO LESS...you check on them right? You dont KNOW for sure their dead unless you check on them, right? Thats what I'd do!

Well in the movies they

1) encounter the dead body
2) they scream and yell why
3) and then they run away.
4) only to be killed later!

They dont come anywhere NEAR the body mind you! My conclusion is that the additional bloodshed could have easily been prevented:

If Someone...Just...Checked...to see if the person was really dead.

:wtf:


Cosby show is on.




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[*] posted on 10.18.2005 at 06:29 PM



On My Way To Bed

I havent written in this thing in a few days (havent had anything to write about) so I figure I'll let yall in on my current dilema.


I'm 27 years old now and ready to settle down. Ive been a self-proclaimed player since i was 20 and now I'm bored and tired. Sooo right now I have 2 people in my life either can be the one but heres the background:

The first person is 30, has a couple of kids, in the military, kind of cute kind of a a*s (which I like). All she owns is a very nice truck. Really not on my level but we have nice conversation and sometimes we have fun, I'm very very terribly attracted to this person and I actually like this person as well. :hi: Only thing is I dont really honestly feel like I can trust this one and I dont think they feel ROMANTICALLY about me either.

The second person is 30 also, already settled down (career wise) no kids, very nice paying job, has a couple of medical degrees (but not a doctor), owns a car, house AND land, a little more on my level but very very shy so conversation is difficult, likes me A LOT and I like this one, too, only thing is there is no physical attraction AT ALL!!!! I cant kiss this person I dont like to hold hands NOTHING.

So heres my dilema:


1. My heart tells me that I should be with the first one.
2. My body tells me that I should be with the first one as well, but
3. My MIND tells me that I should be with the second one.

:ummm: Im tempted to go with the second one because shes stable and thats attractive to me, but I would feel wrong to be with this person knowing full well that my attraction is only emotional and may never grow beyond that of friendship. And the only reason I would go to the first one is because the sex is good :hamma:



*sigh*

After typing and reading all that, maaaaybe, JUUUUUST maybe,

I'm not ready to settle down yet. :bag:
Not with these two anyway.

I'll give it some more thought.




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[*] posted on 10.19.2005 at 02:29 AM


This sucks I can't sleep and no ones answering their phones...


Ok so, heres my "WTF" moment of the night/morning. Maybe my second depending on what you thought about my last post.

I like scary movies so I'm up and watching Dawn of the Dead and I noticed something strange. In these return of the dead movies people die and return from the dead with a taste for flesh right? So they run/walk around in gangs attacking and eating people.

This is what I dont understand...8 zombies can attack 1 person... 2 zombies on each limb and on the head and torso ALL OF THEM tearing flesh away from the body. but how come when the person becomes a zombie they only have one or two NOTICEABLE bites on them? Theyve just been attacked by 8 zombies and except that their DEAD you cant tell. :dunno:


AND ANOTHER THING!!!

Just why is it that in all these movies the zombies come back to life wanting to eat flesh or brains! How do we know zombies want to eat people! Why cant they come back to life vegetarians? Or Omish or something peaceful. Why they gotta be flesh eating maniacs?

Things that make you go hmmm... :uglyazzwoman:


Its 330 Ive been awake since 130 and I have to be up in a hour.

This is going to be a loooong day...




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[*] posted on 10.23.2005 at 11:59 AM



Well, Back To My Dilema

Which really isnt a dilema anymore. I know that I'm ready to settle down, just not with the two that I mentioned above.

Ok so, the second one came over last night. I was very impressed with her this time because we had some real decent conversation. As I said before this person has a couple of degrees so I know theyre smart but I was never really sure how smart until last night when we started having some intellectual conversation. I enjoyed it but I got a little bored after a while...wanted to watch Girlfriends. (whew that Golden Brooks ):eyebrow:

So yea I see her in a different light on THAT level but now shes turned me off ANOTHER one. I feel bad. She let me know yesterday before she came over that she was ready to go to that next level. (S-E-X) I was on the phone like :sarcastic:. I changed the subject from doing it to what kind of things she likes in bed and ummmm......THAT CHILEs A FREAK! And THATS what turned me off. Tee-Hee. I was like uggh. And no we didnt do it. I dont have sex with more than one person during the same time period. Thats a No-No :nono:

So I dont know. While we were chatting I realized that our goals are a little different. Shes achieved her goals already at her young age and shes content. I on the other hand havent achieved my goals...really havent set any either...I just moved here and as soon as the possibilty presents itself I'm moving again.

Soooo theres really no chance for she and I anyway.....

I'm inviting the other friend over tonight though....


:hamma:




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[*] posted on 10.24.2005 at 07:31 AM



This is a long entry...


Last Night Sucked


I've been giving this "dilema" jive a whole lot of thought over this past week and I realized last night that I'm completely through with it. I dont know if I should be happy about it or not. That "dilema" had become a part of me actually.

So heres how it goes.

My friend walks in the door last night. Upset with me because I havent returned any of her calls, but very happy to see me as well. I usually ignore and avoid this person in between our visits (youd think she realizes this but she doesnt). Its been 2 1/2 weeks since we've SEEN one another (which was on accident to begin with), and a month and a half since we had sexual contact. I come up with my usual "Aww I been real busy" excuse and the stars settle in their places again.

We sit down; I on my bed and she in a chair next to it, and I immediately regret inviting her over. Why? I dont know why, so I ignore the agitation building up in my stomache and try to enjoy the visit.

First thing she does is grabs the remote and changes the channel to ESPN! Have you ever met a woman OBSESSED with sports? I havent. But like I said before she is a bit of an a*sshole so I let it slide. That was; however, the first straw.

Now when we visit, I want to do my thing kick her out and go to sleep. It NEVER seems to go that way though. She watched ESPN for a hour, (really not paying attention to me at all) and then gets on the phone for about 30 minutes with her sister. Second straw.

I get bored so I start getting ready to go sleep and thats when her attention turns to me again. We talk for a minute. Wrestle for a minute.:whistle: And then fourplay....I'll fast forward here...

:hamma:

The whole time I'm wanting it to end so they will leave. One wish came true: It did eventually come to an end just not soon enough. We finish, she goes to the bathroom, does what I dont know (I never heard water or heard the toilet flush), and then she comes back to the bed wraps herself around me :smh: and then goes to sleep.

Now I'm :po:. Cuz we not like that you know! LOL. Get The F*ck Out!!! But no I couldnt do that. So I'm lying there smelling her perfume, (that I hate) and listening to her breath, and I start thinking. This is the conclusion I came to:

I'm done with this one, too. I was holding on to these two people while I fought with myself over what I'm going to do with this particular chapter of my life. I wanted one of them but indeed I needed them both! Why? Because they fulfill different purposes. But what I want is one person who can fulfill every purpose. I knew I wouldnt be seeing much of the other person after she left the other night, and lying there last night I knew I didnt WANT to see this one again either.

I tried to sleep on it but the agitation in my stomache became a loud roar in my brain so at 3 AM I woke her up, "Hey you ready to go..." Was I wrong for that? She gets up and gets dressed and heads for the door without incident,

final straw: She turns to me as I close the door and says, "I'll come see you at your job today.":wow:


Please dont.:hmph:


How do you let someone you really dont care about down easily? :ummm:




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[*] posted on 10.28.2005 at 05:56 PM



I Need Help...

Ever since Sheryl Swoopes "came out" I been obsessed with her. :ummm:




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[*] posted on 10.28.2005 at 06:51 PM


A Childhood Memory...

I got a funny story...

Ok so I'm a funny person yall. I only talk about whats on my my mind and the stories I tell about MYSELF are true.

So umm, who remembers Michael Jacksons "Man In the Mirror" song? I was young when Michael Jacksons Thriller and Bad albums came out so naturally NONE of his songs made sense to me but "Man in the Mirror" took me through somethin! LOL.

I'm young (at the time) and I have a short attention span so the only part of the song I ever really hear is

"I'm starting with the man in the mirra', I'm asking him to change his waaaay..."

Why Michael had me thinking there was a man behind the glass in the bathroom!?!?!? I swear I was scared to DEATH to be in a bathroom alone! I have a younger sister and I would always watch the door when she went to the bathroom to see if she was as scared as I was and I tell myself shes not afraid (cause she didnt do the things I did) so I'm not going to tell anyone that I'm afraid.

At first I left the door open when I went to the bathroom but my mom started making me close it, but what REALLY scared me was having to flush the toilet!! I was scared that if the toilet was flushing then no one would hear me scream if the man came out the mirror on me so then what I would do is: I would use the bathroom as fast as possible, go open the door, flush the toilet and then haul A*S out of there...(I'm cracking up while I type this). So my mom saw me haul a*s out the bathroom one day and I'll never forget this, she was watching tv with my sis and bro and a few of my cousins, and when I came and sat back down she said, (without taking her eyes off the tv)

"Why do you run out the bathroom like that?" She didnt look at me but I knew she was talking to me...
"I dont know..." :ummm:
"Well stop!!"

So now I'm like OMG I'm going to get killed in there so I HAD to say something...

Mamaaa...Have you ever seen the man in the mirror?

My mom gave me that look that ONLY a black mother can give a child..that "Why MY child gotta be so goofy" look...Then I heard my cousin snicker, then I heard my bro snicker, then the whole room erupted in laughter :rolling:

My bro explained to me that it was just a song and Michael was actually talking about himself so I knew I didnt HAVE to be scared anymore...but I was. LOL.


That was a happy memory but it still made me sad cuz my mom is dead now...


:):(:)




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[*] posted on 10.28.2005 at 07:27 PM



My Last Post Tonight

This is in response to the post about the tats. I started to reply there but my reply is kind of long so I moved it here....


My story is not about the tat though, its about what happened while I was getting it.

Ok so I go to the parlor to get a tattoo that starts on my thigh and reaches over onto my vagina (i guess) so I have to take off everything from the waist down while I get it. Me and my homegirl had to be the only ones in there while I get the tattoo cuz I would be half naked, so while I'm getting the tat she starts walking around the parlor looking around at *ish.

So he's doing the tat and about 15 minutes into it he says, "I loove pink tw*t.." :pd: and then he kissed my....you know what...and goes "I'll eat it if you want me to?"

I'm lying there like :( ...I say "naaa that wont be neccessary". But I didnt know if I should be mad, or scared or laugh or what so I called my friend over to look at what he had done so far (which was not much) but calling her over gave me a chance to motion to her to stay there and not leave again.

So he starts again and he starts making more little nasty comments, my friend who is a little more bold then me goes "Can you stop talking like that please. This is already uncomfortable..." So he laughs it off and finishes up with the tat which turned out real good actually only It's unfinished 7 years later! I was SUPPOSE to go back for the color-in..think I did?

HELLS TO THE NAAA.

I'm still a little shaken up about what he had done to me so I didnt tell my friend about it until later. She got really mad cuz I didnt say anything at the time that he did it and wanted to tell on him like call the cops and *ish, I just couldnt though cuz I felt like somehow it was my fault. :roll:

I sure wasnt about to interupt that tattoo. Thas-Fo-Sho...




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[*] posted on 10.29.2005 at 02:21 AM



Why I Get Insomnia On Weekends?

I cant sleep and I'm mad. And I dont have anyone to call for company...anymore.

I'm about to try to sleep though but I'm watching "BET Un:cut" and this show is completely WACK. Well the videos are. Is it me or are the women in those videos hideous!?!? They look like they been fighting in the alley. And why the videos look like they were made with someones camcorder?

Ya'll remember Nellys first video "Country Grammer"? Whew...The women in that video were TOE-UP!! I just thought about that.

Ok Imma try to sleep now.....

:io:




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[*] posted on 11.2.2005 at 07:22 PM



Something Funny That Happened At Work Today


The funniest thing happened today at work.

Ok so, I work in a office with mostly black people, with the occasional hispanic or white person here and there. In an office like that, as any professional knows, you have to be careful what you say where race is concerned because you dont know how people will take it. Today it was just me, another black female and a white female. (Who I will refer to as "B" and "W")

So B and W were talking about SOMETHING (I wasnt paying attention), when B calls me into the conversation to co-sign on whatever they were talking about. They were talking about water ski-ing (sp). By the time B got around to asking the question though I had already stopped listening and gone back to what I was doing (short attention span) but a few minutes later I overhear her say, "Excuse me for saying this and dont take it wrong but water sports are for white people!" So NOOOOW I know why she tried to bring me into the conversation. At first I was like OMG :wow: . I was worried about how W would take the joke. But they both bust out laughing so I'm like ok and I start laughing along with them...nervously. So the laughter ends and W, still standing over B, stands there for a second still chuckling dryly, and then says "What do you mean?" :ummm:

It really got funny to me then because W really isnt very bright as it is and she WOULD be the one that a joke would get lost on but now B had to EXPLAIN the joke. You had to be there really but it was very funny.


I noticed something while watching tv. Ever since Dave Chappelle got his own show a lot of the comedians today are incorporating racist jokes into their routines. Well, that isnt new really but I think they are pushing the envelope further now. I think I'm talking about the non-black comedians. But anyway, I noticed that I can laugh all day at the black comedians and their racist jokes cuz I can relate, but when people of other races tell the same jokes it TICs me off...uh-oh she said the T word :yikes:

Anyway. In that split second after W said, "What do you mean", I thought about all of that and here I am 4 hours later and I'm wondering, "Is W thinking about this, too?"




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[*] posted on 11.15.2005 at 05:25 AM



Prison Intellect


I had to get up super early this morning for work so while I got dressed I popped in the old Fugees CD "The Score". I love that CD. I love any kind of concious rap. So in one song, I dont remember which one cuz I was only half listening, but I overhear someone say "..abstract rap formats..." and it reminded of this show I saw on tv this weekend called Locked Up. On MSNBC. Let me explain why "abstract rap formats" made me think of prisoners.

I've actually seen this show before I think. I dont know if it was a rerun or a series but I've definately seen another episode of it. The last time I wasnt really watching so this time I did. On this show they go into prisons and show what life is like. How they live, and how they survive. The gangs, the drug use, the people who go crazy and all that. In this particular segment their talking about the gangs in the prison and the whole territorial breakdown between them all, and they focus one young black male, couldnt have been no more than 25-30. You know you age beyond your actual age in prison so he LOOKED 25-30 but I would actually be suprised if he was older than 20. So they focus on this dude and he starts talking about what it means when people do certain things, stand a certain way, what it means when they dress a certain way, what it means when they look at you a certain way and how you should react to all of that. This dude could have been singing an old song he knew because he didnt miss a beat. He never stuttered once. ( I was looking for this) And I'm sitting there like wow, he's so expressive, he's so enthusiastic, wow he speaks so eloquently....only thing is he's talking about BULLSH*T!!!!

All of that and he's talking absolute, complete and utter CRAP! But thats what I termed Prison Intellect. The shameful part is he learned this crap from older inmates and I'm sitting there watching this show and becoming :banghead: because when has any of them spoken so eloquently about SCHOOL! About WORK! About their kids that I'm sure they have. No one on this show ever mentioned kids mind you but you know they exist. How could an individual be so knowledgeable, so informed, so familiar about information so useless! And whats worse is he'll leave prison someday HOPEFULLY (they didnt say how much time he had) and he'll take this Prison Intellect out with him and spew it to someone elses kids!


Prison Intellect=Abstract Rap....




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[*] posted on 11.17.2005 at 08:43 PM



What Does It Mean...



...if a person "Wears their heart on their sleeve?"

So...

My job took us (me and coworkers) out of town for a couple of days this week. On business. As I said before I work with 90% blacks and my immediate supervisor is a black female. Shes married, has a couple of kids, enjoys her marriage, enjoys parenthood, enjoys her job, real smart, and just a real people person...I can go all day...so in my spare time i like to go sit at her desk and chit chat.

Some things about me:
I'm intelligent.
Very mature.
Very honest and loyal.
I DONT MESS WITH MARRIED PEOPLE!!!

Thats rule #1....

But anyway. While I enjoy her company its never, NOT ONE TIME, ever entered my mind that she and I could be more than friends...until we left town.

I mean. We're just sitting around talking as usual and I'm looking in her eyes and she starts to laugh and for the first time I think to myself "I like it when you laugh!"

:wow:

Imagine a loud gasp...that was the next sound in my head. So I'm sitting there like, damn where that come from? So we talk for a little while longer and then she had to leave and suddenly ...for the first time ... I get this longing, yearning feeling in my chest for her and I start thinking "Damn people in love feel that way!" huh!

Now I'm like really tripping! So I get up and go off by myself to lie in my bed. I'm lying there and staring at the ceiling and I start recognizing feelings that I've actually had before but never gave much attention to:

1. I get jealous when she talks to other people. Men or Women.
2. I want to spend every FREE moment talking to her.
3. When she talks about going home to her family I get jealous.
4. I went to swipe a bug from her leg one day and I didnt want to pull my hand away....:ummm:


I've been in love before and I dont have to ask, its not even a question: I Got It Bad . But whats worse is, even if she felt the same for me nothing would ever come of it. Cuz I dont mess with married people. And if she DID try something with me I'd never look at her the same again cuz it means SHES a liar and I hate liars.

:rant: Adulterers make me SICK! If your own spouse and kids cant trust you then who can!!! Adulterers are selfish damn liars, and lets not even talk about the risk you put your spouse at....but thats certainly another post.... :rant:

But anyway. I also know I have it bad because I cant talk the feelings away. I cant tell myself, "Shes married dont go there", cuz it only makes me feel worse. I still have to see her everyday. Right now as I type I wish she were here. Its been days since I came to this realization and I've gone from in love to infatuated to love again and now I'm in between. *sigh*

Well anyway. I just wanted to get that off my chest. I usually talk about things on here that I discussed with friends but I cant tell anyone else this.

How do I make the feelings go away? If only someone could tell me. I'm to old for this.




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[*] posted on 11.20.2005 at 08:09 PM



So I'm Bored...


...and yes I think about random *ish when I'm bored.



I was watching TV today ...I dont know what I was watching...and a charachter gets killed. The charachter is a drug dealer, hustler, murderer, fornicator...you know, your average everyday nobody. So a few minutes later, (a few days on the show) they go into this persons funeral and the pastor is giving the eulogy, very nice eulogy, very moving, very emotional but for me thought provoking.

A little background on me:

I get very little entertainment from what I watch on t.v. Mostly because I tend to intellectualize everything, and I look for reality in things there really is no reality in.

Back to the show

So I'm watching this funeral on TV and the pastor makes a comment similar to this:

"Cry no more for this young man, for he is in a better place."

:ummm:

I've been to a funeral or two in my life and of course I've heard that comment made a dozen times about people who have passed on, but today when I heard those words the thought that entered my head was, "What place is this?" I've said it before and I try to always say this when I begin talking about things that I'm not all that clear about : I'm not "saved", or "born-again", or even deeply religous, but I DO believe there is a Heaven and Hell. So I'm watching this show and I'm saying to myself, What place is this? Because EVERYONE says it at everyones funeral but I KNOW everyone isnt going to the same place!

I distinctly recall getting into an argument with an old friend of mines about what it means to "repent and be baptized", and If I'm not mistaken you have to do both to go to Heaven, and you also have to live without sin. Everyone is not perfect I know, I'm DEFINATELY NOT! But my confusion is, how does this charachter in this movie, a drug dealer and murderer till the moment he died, get to go to Heaven? So basically, if EVERYONE is gone to a better place no matter how they lived, what or where is this place? Did I miss something in Sunday School?

I don't know. In fact, my issue isnt even whether he went to Heaven or not, my real issue is, why do people, pastors in particular, say that everyone is going to a better place after they die? When some/most people arent a bit more saved then Satan himself! If I said that at someones funeral its understandable because I dont know the bible that well. I know enough to argue about it but thats it. But why do pastors say it when they know better? I would love to hear a pastor say one day: "Pray for this young man/woman, cuz the next time they open their eyes they'll be in Hell." It'll hurt people to hear that said about their loved one, but at least it'll be the truth. Those are the moments you get peoples attention.

Its just double talking to me. You preach to me every Sunday that I have to repent and be baptized to be saved, but then I go to this murderers funeral and you tell me he's gone to heaven in spite of all he's done.

Just doesnt make sense to me.




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[*] posted on 12.5.2005 at 08:34 AM



I Don't Understand People...

I'll start this rant by saying:

1) No one is perfect.
2) Everyone has some kind of secret (lie), something personal about themself that keep hidden from the world (lie), and
3) Everyone LIES!

I'm 27 years old and I'm still learning the lessons, I'm still trying to figure it out, I'm still trying to make sense of it all but I think I am the ONE who tells the story like it is and from beggining to end.


So....

I go to work this morning and I hear something about a coworker that made me want to throw up! The bad part is this is the second time. SMH. I'll call her T.

T aint a bit more saved me, but this is the same woman who you hear all over the office, debating and trying to preach the bible to everybody. Always got something to say. Let me stick in here shes not married. We dont talk anymore because I've ALWAYS seen pass her veil of shadyness and I stopped talking to her a long time ago, but before we stopped talking she preached to me about this guy she met and how he was a child molester but she forgave him because God told her to and :blah: :blah::blah: ..... and as time revealed she did become involved with this guy. EVERY involvement short of marriage.

Well how come this same, single, unmarried so-called woman of God is pregnant....again!!?!???!

Like I said: No ones perfect. But how can she go around preaching and telling everyone how to do something and what not to do and yet shes having UNPROTECTED sex and shes not even married!

Like I said: Everyone is hiding something She hides the fact that shes sleeping with a child molester but damn! Use a condom at least! "Keepitonalow!!!" (lol)

Like I said: Everyone Lies . My secret/lie is that I'm a lesbian. Its not so much a lie as it is a secret however. As I've made evident, peoples personal lives are a major topic in my office. But damn, she isnt lying to anyone but herself so whats the point!


:yuck:

Now I'll explain why that makes me so mad.


I remember when my mom was alive we couldnt get her to go to church for nothing. Cuz she didnt trust people in church. The problem is, she hung around the people who claimed to be of God, but were still sinning. They were, in their terms "Not perfect and still subject to mistakes." So thanks to those people, (AND the demon residing in my mothers soul), my mom wouldnt go to church. So T makes me mad cuz shes just like these people who go around preaching go to God, go to God, and yet when you turn your back on them their no different/no better then anyone else. People look to her as an example and THIS is the example she sets.

:yuck:

Like I said I've always known about her. So I SHOULDNT be suprised but I am. This is the second time shes come up pregnant.


I just had to get that off my chest. I can honestly say I dont participate in the gossiping in my office so I dont intend to join the discussion when she starts getting talked about today. So I thought I'd place my rant here.



:rant:




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